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A series of sharp reports echoed through the air as I hammered my great cock against the table. "Let's see 'em try to ignore that!" I shot my companions a sly wink. I was on a roll.

Sure enough, a waiter appeared lickety-split. "Can I get you something, sir?" he inquired.

"Sure ya can," I said. Without missing a beat I began to gyrate my hips and make violent thrusting motions. "A woman who doesn't pant like a dog when I'm nailing her from behind." For good measure, I threw in a bunch of orgasmic squeals and moans in falsetto, sending the table into an uproar. Was I on fire or what?

To my disgust, though, the little foreigner's expression didn't change. Too stupid to get the joke, obviously. I was feeling good though, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. "I'm just kidding with you. Don't worry about it. Get me a taco salad. And make sure there's plenty of them spicy fuckers, whattayacallem, hallapinies. Comprende, Sancho?"

This last bit was by way of humorously alluding to his Mexican heritage. I punctuated the order by putting a foot against the stupid little wetback's hip and giving him a monstrous shove towards the kitchen. He went over backwards, hard, flailing his arms and taking down a tray of dirty dishes with him. The whole section was howling by now. I waited for it to subside, then leaned in confidentially towards my audience. "These guys can't take a shit if you don't show 'em how. Check this out..."

"Hey Enrico!" I shouted at the sprawled figure. "Do yourself a favor, willya? NEXT TIME LEARN ENGLISH!"

Date Written: July 29, 2003
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.5

08/18/2003 Dylan Danko (5): This one has been overlooked
08/18/2003 Will Disney (4): i agree. an excellent specimen of the matza short.
06/15/2004 TheBuyer (4): overlooked
06/16/2004 John Slocum (5): Completely overlooked.
06/16/2004 John Slocum: Sure enough, a waiter appeared lickety-split. Naturally, what with the sharp cock reports.
03/21/2011 scoop (4.5):
03/22/2011 Mr. Joshua (4.5): Very interesting that you find this one amusing, Danko. Very interesting, indeed. You certainly are an enigma, my friend.
03/27/2011 qualcomm:
05/29/2011 anonymous: there is a great video of a masturbating dog I'd post but I cant find it