home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Captain McBarton hadn't seen a storm like this since his ill-fated stint as first mate on the Jolly Jimson during the Great Monsoon of Calcutta. What was that, thirty years ago? The driving rain lashed hard against the Jolly Fraunces' starboard foc'sle, and the wind howled and moaned with the noise of a thousand tormented souls, etc. Unfazed, the Captain stood firm on the main deck and gazed stoically into the distance, his chiselled features and six pack abs gleaming fagholishy in the moonlight.

All at once the Captain was possessed by a vision of what had to be done. "Thank Neptune she's a yar craft," he muttered to himself. But would she be yar enough? If she was going to survive the towering waves that threatened to smash her into cinders she'd have to be exceptionally fucking yar.

"Man the brig!" he shouted. The crew, already ill at ease, stared in disbelief.

"Do it now!" commanded the Captain, a grim look in his eye. "Set the leeward forty knots and tack her windward--hard! Come about! Schooner!"

A great groaning arose from the quartermast, and the fore staysail seemed apt to bend in two. Many a heart skipped a beat as the Jolly Fraunces jibed yet again, this time in the very maw of a mega wave. But if anyone still wondered why she was known throughout the Cock Shaped Isles as "The Pearl of the Deep", they got their answer now--circled, in red ink with a gold star, a Hello Kitty sticker and a check plus.

Aye, just when it seemed like the blompo pole was set to crack in two from the weight of the aft rudder, the gollywobbler caught a gust of wind and at once the elegant vessel was thrust forward! For twenty leagues the brave little fucking rig precariously threaded her way through the angry waves, barely outpacing the storm...and suddenly she was out of harm's way! A hearty cheer erupted from inside the gunwale. Subjective eyewitnesses later claimed it was the most spontaneous, mintest cheer in a Matza short since Seater's awe-inspiring, table hurdling gambit!

Date Written: November 26, 2003
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 5

11/26/2003 qualcomm: doesn't compare to this.
11/26/2003 Phony Millions (5): I don't know whether it was Ewan, Feldspar or Matza who actually started the whole mixing the vernacular thing but Matza's getting almost virtuostic with it here!
02/5/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): ...and twice as sirloin. I don't know how this escaped my earlier notice.
01/7/2005 qualcomm (5):
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow (5): I'm not sure I ever read this one. It's yar, but is it fucking yar enough? Indeed...
01/7/2005 John Slocum (5): etc.