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I suffer from a rare and debilitating condition. I have been afflicted by it for as long as I can remember. Itís so embarrassing, I cannot even write these words without shuddering with shame. As a consequence I have grown to be a virtual shut-in. And yet I continue to live with it, for I fear I have no other choice save death. But can I even say it? I must. Nearly every day, and on occasion more than once a day, my gut is overcome by intense cramps. Within a short while, in an uncontrollable spasm of release, a thick brown paste emerges between my buttocks. Where it comes from, nobody knows. But its odor is unmistakable. The stench is apparent almost immediately and will not dissipate until I have taken off my slacks and underthings and removed the strange brown substance some distance. I then must scoop the remains from between my buttocks and make use of various cleansing agents to thoroughly restore order to my hind quarters. For a while I would save a handful of the paste, hoping to unlock its mysteries. But after smearing samples onto microscope slides and examining them for hours on end, I realized that I donít know anything about science. As you might imagine, this condition has destroyed my life. And yet that is not all. No. My penis also squirts some sort of yellow liquid!

Date Written: June 19, 2013
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.125

06/25/2013 Will Disney (4): Acme is back!
06/25/2013 anonymous: This one was really embarrassing, but I had to write it.
06/25/2013 Dylan Danko: ACME!
06/25/2013 Ewan Snow: I have a theory about what is causing this condition...
06/25/2013 Mr. Pony (4): some distance
06/25/2013 Ewan Snow: This is controversial, by its very existence!
06/26/2013 qualcomm: Author, there is cure for this condition:


Now, ignore the instructions on the bottle. What you want to do is drink the whole thing, don your tennis whites, and then skip around at an opera, museum, or really anyplace that dowagers and butler-types congregate.
09/30/2013 Jon Matza (4.5): Effective, straight-ahead "read". Science line was mini-chicklet. +.25 for hustle.
10/21/2013 anonymous:
10/21/2013 Marvin_Bernstein: herpes?
12/16/2013 TheBuyer (4): Science is hard, dude.