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“Horny thoughts, expressed in the clearest terms are life’s most scarce and therefore desirable commodity,” declaimed Lector Bottomheavy to Mrs. Herbert Tully Gulchit. He marked each syllable with a thrust of his hips, a wag of his ass, a swish of his wrist, a wink of his eye, or a jutting of his chin, depending on the particular bit of wisdom he meant to intimate to the fucky old bitch at any particular moment.

Mrs. Herbert Tully Gulchit clutched the remote control as if it were a dildo and at every turn of phrase seem poised to bury it. “You're not thinking outside the box!” she said accusingly as she flicked on Cinemax.

She was right. Lector was thinking inside the box -- her big, hairy, soaking wet box!

Date Written: January 01, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4

01/6/2004 Jon Matza (5): Hats off!
01/6/2004 Will Disney: ha
01/6/2004 qualcomm: you know what's kind of weird? imagining Bottomheavy mark "each syllable" in a 25-syllable sentence with a "thrust of his hips, a wag of his ass, a swish of his wrist, a wink of his eye, or a jutting of his chin". he must be really coordinated!
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: Indeed. What's even weirder, however, is that you actually counted them.
01/6/2004 qualcomm: so predictable.
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: What? That I mentioned your counting?
01/6/2004 qualcomm: yes!
01/6/2004 qualcomm: i was like, "if i post this comment, snow's gonna mention my counting."
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: Well, isn't it weird? I mean, you even knew it was or you wouldn't have guessed that I would mention it. What the F? Besides, weren't you just sort of explaining the joke? Even at that, was the precise number required? We need to hash this out.
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: C'mon, post a heated reply. I'm gunning for La[censored] Contoversy here...
01/6/2004 qualcomm: i don't think your mentioning it is proof of its weirdness, but rather, your defensive need to always have the last word. i read the short and on re-reading it, realized that during my first read, i sort of glossed over the fact that EACH syllable was marked by some weird movement. i mean, every fucking one! i didn't bother actually picturing that until the re-read. so i decided to make a comment on it, and to drive the point home, count the motherfuckers. that's all.
01/6/2004 qualcomm: and disney, regarding snow's last comment, why is the word "[censored]" a censored word?
01/6/2004 qualcomm: ha
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: You have at least as much of a need to have the last word, btw. Also, I didn't say that my mentioning it made it weired, I said that that you're knowing that I would mention it confirmed that it was weird.
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: As for "t*st", it seems that Disney left in some F-ing debug [censored] code when he was implementing the censor. What a putz!
01/6/2004 qualcomm: that's what i meant
01/6/2004 Will Disney: yep - 'test' was on the list of censored words, for testing purposes. left it on the list by accident. now it's gone.
01/6/2004 Jon Matza: I often find myself agreeing with Feldspar in these controversies but not this time. To me, the fact that Bottomheavy thrusts, gyrates, etc with every syllable is a plus, not a flaw. The herky-jerkiness of the visual is part of what makes this short funny, whether by authorial design or not (I assumed it was). I also like how the gestures he's making do not quite go together.
01/6/2004 qualcomm: what the fuck is wrong with you people? i never said it was a flaw. i like it. damn. damn.
01/6/2004 Jon Matza: You said it was 'weird', brother, which conveyed that you weren't buying it, not that you liked it. And in turn made your statement "he must be really coordinated!" sound like a further statement of skepticism. I suspect Snow interpreted it the same way and reacted as such. Now that I've proved it was all just a misunderstanding, I think you two should make up. It's not worth flushing years of friendship down the toilet over this.
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: It is worth flushing, but more importantly I didn't misunderstand his comment (I didn't take it as a dig). I was just pointing out how anal it was to actually count the syllables, which, as has been discussed at length, Feldspar predicted I would. In any case, I'm glad we've established that the short is first rate!
01/6/2004 Joe Frankenstone: What I find weird is that no one mentions Feldspar apparently pronounces "desirable" as "de-zi-urr-bull or "deez-i-ra-bull."
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow: Actually, I did find that weird, but figured the more importantly weird point was that he counted at all, not that he miscounted. Geez, what do you guys think?
01/6/2004 qualcomm: oh, so you counted too!
01/6/2004 Joe Frankenstone: Now he's explaining MY jokes!
01/6/2004 qualcomm: actually, i do pronounce it deez-i-ra-bull. 4 syllables. just like 'ire' is one, not two, syllables. assholes.
01/6/2004 qualcomm: those were jokes?
01/6/2004 qualcomm: and anyway, to set the record straight, my 3.46.25 comment was directed at snow, not frankenstone.
01/6/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I have to say, it's funny that you, sir Feldspar, should mention anyone else's need to have the last word.
01/6/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I realize I piped in with that last comment rather tardily.
01/6/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): I hate to be the humbug guy, but I didn't actually think the short was that good. Plus all that hot air commentary somehow dragged it down another half-point.
01/6/2004 qualcomm: just calling it like i saw it. the fact that i have the same character flaw doesn't make what i said wrong. hey, let's just chalk it up to "right message, wrong messenger" okay? great. now everyone stop talking.
01/6/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: la la la
01/6/2004 Dylan Danko: who farted? must have been feldspar.
01/7/2004 Moe-Ron (4): Whenever I see this much misplaced animosity it brings me to mind of the work of airea who wrote: “You put no limit on MY forever.” Quit trying to put Snow’s forever in a box, Feldspar. You slef-loathing ass hole. It deserves to soar, and stuff.
01/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Thanks, for the support, Moe-ron, but Feldspar wasn't putting my forever in a box, lest it be a big, hairy, soaking wet box, of course...
01/7/2004 qualcomm: To everyone who joined in on this controversy, not least of which the jew-baiting moe-ron: You're a seething, disgusting rabble. I loathe each of you the way any civilized person of substance does the barbarian. Go back to your fucking creeds outworn and suckle at the shapeless dugs of your mewling, stinking mothers.
01/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Steady on there, Jon. You're going to give yourself angina.
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Ooh, giving yourself angina. What a horny thought. You know I had an teacher who did a demonstration to describe what bad stop-motion animation looks like, and it looks exactly like someone thrusting their hips, wagging their ass, winking their eye, or jutting their chin at each syllable. Thank you Author, for bringing that back to me.