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June 12, 1995

Dear Diary,
This is without a doubt the most wonderous day of my life! Today I turned 10 years of age and I am therefore entering a new chapter in my life that will soon result in my becoming the woman I so yearn for. Mummy gave you to me as a present and I will endeavor to fill these pages with such thoughts and intellectual meanderings as will make my future biographers chomp at the bit. I will one day become a famous zoologist because I am a gifted child but I must remember never to be arrogant and to always look kindly on the less fortunate. More later!

Jan 1, 2004

Dear Diary,
Ok, so I guess I didnít really keep this diary thing up. Oh my god!! I almost wrote dairy which is so funny because Iím totally lactating! Well, a lot has happened in 10 years. Lets seeÖmy cherry got popped by Tommy DiMato on the school roof in 10th grade and then he said something about how he just wanted his red wings and tried to push me off the roof which is ok because heís a loser but he left me with little Tommy Jr. who is 4 now and really cute. But then my mom kicked me out of the house b/c she caught me playing around with her boyfriend which kind of sucked b/c he left me with another kid who is little Frankie Jr. who is really special not just because he has Downs Syndrome but because he has a really big heart. Iím going for my GED next year which Iím totally going to pass but right now I'm working at Ann & Hope. Tommy used to send me a little money for Tommy Jr. but heís in jail for Chrystal Meth which I totally donít do anymore since Frankie Jr. was born. Anyways, Iíve got to go for now because I have a 3:00 with a guy who likes doing me while I wear a Nixon mask and recite lines from something called the Watergate tapes and if I mess up a line heís gonna break my teeth again which I totally don't want. More later!

Date Written: January 04, 2004
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 4

01/8/2004 anonymous (5):
01/8/2004 Texxx: I'm depressed now.
01/8/2004 Captain Crunch: This is stupid!!!! I don't care anyway because I already told will whose the head of your company to kick Dylan of the site!!!!
01/8/2004 Dylan Danko: My apologies
01/8/2004 Captain Crunch: That's better!!!!
01/8/2004 Dylan Danko: talking to Texxx there
01/9/2004 Will Disney (4): cool. i'm waiting for the exciting follow-up!
01/9/2004 Captain Crunch: Apology rejected!!! I thought maybe I had you wrong Dylan!!! But your just like the rest. I already told will whose the head of your company to kick you off the site so who cares anyway!!!
01/9/2004 Mr. Pony (4): God is in the details. Jesus too. Also Allah and Komongo.
01/9/2004 Dylan Danko: what is a komongo anyway?
01/9/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Yeah in the beginning first paragraph you had me hooked. It gave me pleasure to think of you pretending to be a ten year old girl writing this.
01/10/2004 Dylan Danko: What kind of pleasure?
01/11/2004 scoop (4): has x read this? i think he'd really like it...
04/22/2004 Mr. Pony: Komongo is the river god with a rock for a head.
06/2/2004 TheBuyer (4): Dylan, I totolly dont think you should get kicked of the site!!!
06/3/2004 John Slocum (5): What's with these 4's? The special font alone is worth a four, don't even get me started on all the laughs.
06/4/2004 Dylan Danko: The Buyer, I haven't heard any intelligence to that effect but I believe it's out there. I'm lobbying congress for regime change. All will be well.
06/4/2004 Ewan Snow: I The Buyer is referring to Captain Crunch's important comment below.
06/4/2004 Ewan Snow: I *think* The Buyer...
06/4/2004 TheBuyer: yup.
06/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, whatever happened to that little fucker? Sure miss him.
06/4/2004 Mr. Pony:
06/4/2004 Jon Matza: That's right, Pony. Captain Cruch is dead.
06/4/2004 Jon Matza: Yes, I said 'Cruch'.
06/4/2004 Mr. Pony:
06/4/2004 Jon Matza (4): p.s. This was sweet velvet until the Watergate bit.
09/1/2004 qualcomm (1): this is okay, but it's by danko.
09/7/2004 qualcomm: if it's any consolation, danko, i thought this deserved a 2. especially for the inexplicable change in the girl's "accent" from british to valley girl. did she move to america, like you?
09/7/2004 Mr. Pony: Neat! Danko's change in environment at those times would account for the accent change! Danko, can we dissect you? Think of all we could learn!
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Nothing inexplicable about it, cunt. Like many precocious girls she affects an adult, learned accent adopted from books like The Secret Garden and Merchant Ivory films. Sadly, tragic events conspire to thwart her ambition, to force her to consort with 'the wrong crowd' thereby adopting their speech patterns, their mores, their weltanschauung. Tomorrow, OSS, I will teach you how to write the letter A for asshole. And it's not valley girl accent it's just regular girl accent. Hey Pony, FU.
09/8/2004 Litcube (5):
09/8/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i don't buy it, danko. i don't think an american 10 year old would write that way, especially "mummy". and i don't think you did it intentionally, either. more later!
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Of course it was intentional, you twat.
09/8/2004 qualcomm: that's just hurtful
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: do you want me to show you hurtful?
09/8/2004 Litcube: Knock it off!
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, didn't think so. Hey Litcube thanks for the vote.
09/8/2004 qualcomm: that's good manners, danko, i applaud you. you should thank someone after such a generous gift.
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Not at all. Only happy to oblige, good man. doffs cap, backs out of room, bowing
09/8/2004 anonymous: come on! show him hurtful, you girl.
09/8/2004 anonymous: Yeah, you, you...girl!
09/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Nah. OSS just bought me some lingerie so I'm happy now.