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I've made some pretty stupid blunders in my day, but nothing compared to the time I accidentally shot myself in the balls! There I was, cleaning my turkey gun when next thing I know I'd blown the contents of my pouch into smithereens. (Ouch!) Truth is, I was pretty cheesed off when it happened. I mean, of all the dumb moves I ever made (and there've been plenty, believe me) this one must've taken the biscuit! For starters, I knew my gal would be plenty sore when she found out I'd shot off my nuts and we could never have kids like we talked about. I sure was right, too...she ran off with Dirk Stanton before I could blink twice, practically! Smarted like a bastard, too - in fact, I puked up from the pain and then went into a dead faint! It wasn't a total loss, though, since some of the pellets wound up lodging in my stomach, which they ended up having to remove -- so now instead of regular-style eating I get fed health solution through a bag and pushed around all day in a wheelchair. Actually, this part is not so hot, either...so I guess maybe there wasn't that much of an upside to it after all!

Date Written: January 13, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.5455

01/19/2004 anonymous (1):
01/19/2004 Ewan Snow (5): I laughed out loud thrice, idiotic as this short is...
01/19/2004 qualcomm: shooting your nuts off -- i've pulled a few boners myself, but this one takes the cake!
01/19/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Nothing idiotic about this one, Ewan.
01/19/2004 Will Disney (5): yep - pretty funny
01/19/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Ouch!
01/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, Danko, I suppose you think blasting your yarbles off is clever...
01/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Looking good, folks! Five stars all around! Just remember to get inexplicably stingier with your stars the next time Texxx posts!
01/19/2004 scoop (5): I heard that Dirk Stanton is hung like a zebra.
01/19/2004 qualcomm (4): good, but definitely not his best work.
01/19/2004 Dylan Danko: With a turkey gun, Ewan, a turkey gun.
01/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Feldspar, do you rate shorts based on the author's potential? Does something have to be an author's "best work" to get five stars? Not that four stars is a bad rating, and not that this IS Matza's best work, but what is it that you look for in a five star short? As one of the many people fascinated by your voting rules, I'm eager to understand. Last I heard you only vote on shorts when they make you laugh out loud. Did you LOL at this one?
01/19/2004 qualcomm: no, i didn't LOL at this one. yes, i do factor in author potential in my ratings. the short is a four-star job, and barely so at that. it doesn't startle me the way matza's better work does. it lacks the subtlety of his better work, too. not that subtle is always the best route to take, but in matza's case it is. also, and we are all guilty of this at one time or another, he's sort of ripping himself off here -- the ridiculously positive tone in the face of horrible circumstances is well-trod ground for matza. disappointing, considering that he has been the most successful of all of us at experimenting with different tones and styles. (and i'm sure he would agree, since i'm the best judge of his work.)
01/19/2004 Ewan Snow: You said you only vote if you laugh out loud. That makes you a liar!
01/19/2004 qualcomm: ROFLWFMGHR!
01/19/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I think you make some good points, Feldspar, but how can you contain your excitement over phrases like "cheesed off" and "this one must've taken the biscuit?" Geez, you're just a bigger man than me.
01/19/2004 qualcomm: i'unno, i think it's nowhere near as funny as the first few sentences of his last one
06/3/2004 Phony Millions (5): How did I miss this? It's really fucking funny.
11/22/2004 The Rid (5): So fucking funny...
11/22/2004 Mr. Pony (5):
11/22/2004 Litcube (5): Aah ha ha.. aahhh... [sigh].. Ah ha... Heh.. [sigh].. Ahaha...