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Killjoy Preminger knew that Preparation H wasn’t going to cut it. He needed stronger medicine for his bushel of pendulous, bluish, apple-sized hemorrhoids.

“Now if I can just get a grip on them with this vise, I should be able to saw them off,” he reasoned. He spun the screw and clamped them down, but when he pulled the saw over his bulbous vine of ‘roids, they just chewed the teeth right off the saw.

Next he reached for a bottle of liquid nitrogen (his assy tumors still clamped down in the vise) with the idea that if they were frozen, he could smash them with a hammer. He poured the frigid potion over his lumpy mound of swollen rectal nodules and in a moment they were frozen solid. He swung a hammer with all his might, but it, not his piles, shattered upon impact.

”Maybe I should try the blowtorch,” he mused, "and burn this rectal brain off at the stem." And it would have worked, too, but he didn’t have proper eye protection, so he decided against it.

Date Written: January 23, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4

01/30/2004 qualcomm (4): this made me giggle. have you tried a carbon saw, instead of a metal one with teeth?
01/30/2004 scoop: Can't decide on this one. I have a deep-seated fear of roids that may be coloring my judgement. An adult description of it to me as a child still freaks me out.
01/30/2004 senator (5): Whew, I'm still laughing. Funniest short I have read in my brief stint on the site.
01/30/2004 Moe-Ron (4): I would have tried to pop them. But that's just how I roll.
01/30/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: This definitely seems like your kind of course of treatment Feldspar. You may not have written this, but were you the inspiration? Nice closing sentence.
01/30/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I also like "bushel" of hemorrhoids.
02/1/2004 Slappy White (1): Assy tumors? Actually they're more like pollips. Sloppy work.
02/1/2004 qualcomm: clearly a retribution vote from slappy
02/1/2004 senator: Slappy, you are a jackass.
03/2/2004 Jon Matza (5): Forget why I didn't vote on this one, 'cause I liked it. 4 + 1 to offset the retribution vote.
10/2/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): 4 + 1