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"You guys wanna hear something really scary?"
The kids leaned in towards the fire. Some little pissant just finished a bullshit werewolf story that made the kid next to me piss himself. What a puss.
"And this one's true."
As I said this, I managed to intimidate werewolf bard enough for him to look away in fear. In retrospect, maybe I was a little too hard on these kids. But what kind of work release program was this? I'd rather be picking up shit on the side of the road. Whatever. The feelings inspired in me from the vast amounts of religious material I had digested in the hole were quickly wearing away.
"So I grew up with this kid. Magic Mike. Kind of looked like you, Pegleg!" I directed this latest blast towards the kid with the stuttering problem. It was a bit of a reach, but I was flustered.
"Magic Mike was kind of, experimental, you could say. Not like 'man-on-man, I'm just a college freshman, I couldn't help it' experimental. He just couldn't sit still, you know? So Mike wants to see if it's really true. If things really blow up in the microwave."
The kids were getting a little more interested now.
"So Mike rigs the microwave to fit his wiener in it while it's still on. I tell you what - it didn't blow up, but he burned the hell out of it!"
As best I can remember, at least 3 of the kids headed for the hills. A few were confused. A few were terrified. That's when I pulled out my charcoaled wiener for effect.
Date Written: February 03, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.375
02/11/2004 anonymous (5):
02/11/2004 Will Disney (4): hmmmmmm
02/11/2004 qualcomm (3): eh. three's a strecth on this one.
02/11/2004 senator (5): I love it...I laughed three times, and I have no idea why.
02/11/2004 Dolemite (4): Kids running away rang a bit false for me, but there are some good nuggets. "Work release program", "man-on-man" and the unnatural exuberance with which our protagonist exclaims, "he burned the hell out of it!" struck a cord.
02/11/2004 Jon Matza (2): No.
02/11/2004 scoop (2): I hate to be picky but the charcoal weiner, the comedic payoff of the short, is in fact incorrect. It wouldnt be charcoal weiner it would be like, sunburnt weiner, or raw uncooked hot dog weiner, or something akin to that. Its just that if you have a set up for the weiner, and then the weiner is wrong, it just ruins it, or whatever it is it was.
02/11/2004 Phony Millions (2): Yeah, not so funny somehow.
02/12/2004 senator: You guys are crazy. I laughed 4 times the 2nd time I read it.
1. What a puss.
2, 3, and 4. As best I can remember, at least 3 of the kids headed for the hills. A few were confused. A few were terrified. That's when I pulled out my charcoaled wiener for effect.
02/12/2004 Jon Matza: I can explain this easily. A giant marionetteer (perhaps Texxx himself) murdered senator, stuffed him with sawdust, inserted a tiny tape recorder with a laugh track into his throat, presssed play while simultaneously making his jaw flap up and down (three times earlier and four times just now) and made him type these comments.
02/12/2004 Texxx: Matza - how about this. You don't like my shorts. You don't think they're funny. Some of yours I like, some of yours I don't. Some other authors on this site like my shorts. They think they're funny. Okay?
02/12/2004 anonymous: I like how Matza tries to scare everyone away from this site.
02/12/2004 Jon Matza: Not you, anon_user_a. I like you.
02/12/2004 scoop: Goddamn Matza. I love that you paid enough attention to detail in a humorous aside to mention that the puppet is in fact "stuffed him with sawdust." Holy shit, that's funny. Mean! Tsk, Tsk! But, oh boy, funny.