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Pressure me all you want; I will show you my erection on a need-to-know basis only. This doesn't apply if I'm flaccid, of course, and I have few if any qualms about displaying one or both testicles upon request. My erections are another story, though. They are my own personal business. They are private...and they are very, very special.

Please don't be cross or sore with me. Under the right circumstances, I'm only too happy to provide you with full visual access to my boner. Case in point: during walkathons and round robins I always wind up taking my pud out and buffing it to a high sheen. Something about the competition and the open air makes me feel sexy, I guess. And if you ever see me on a subway you can get a front-and-center view of my hard-on, because I always get randy on account of all the vibrations. Result: my fellow passengers invariably get an eyeful of me beating off on some lady's purse. I really like doing that - it feels like a dream.

But there are other instances when I may require a little personal space - when I'm feeling shy, vulnerable, or just not in the mood...and I may choose not to show you my erection! What's more, I'm under no obligation to explain my reasoning to you. It's my choice and you have to respect it. And right now is one of those times.

Date Written: February 07, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4

02/16/2004 Ewan Snow (4): I think we should all respect his personal space.
02/16/2004 Will Disney (4): It does feel like a dream.
02/16/2004 Phony Millions (4): his touchy-feely sense of entitlement was funny, and the premise is original.
02/16/2004 senator (4): "I always get randy on account of all the vibrations." Me too.
02/16/2004 Craig Lewis (4): "Round robins."
02/16/2004 qualcomm (3): since i'm always calling everything a ripoff, why stop now? this is far too close to an Onion op-ed piece titled "You're Going to Love My Testicles". there's even a bit about buffing said organs to a high sheen, just like here. therefore, whether the author has read the piece or not, i cannot in good conscience give it over 3 stars.
02/16/2004 qualcomm: in fact, although i can't find the particular op-ed in question, its author, Lowell Thurber, has written a number of such opinion pieces on similar subjects, such as this one.
02/16/2004 Phony Millions: Yeah definite similarity there feldspar. Do you think this short copped directly from lowell thurber's work, or does it even matter? I need to know for research on my book, 'Towards a Theory of Plagarism in the 21th Century: Redefining the Permissible'.
02/16/2004 Will Disney: ha
02/16/2004 qualcomm: it matters, fella. 'simportant.
02/16/2004 anonymous: Yes, but is it CUMportant?
02/19/2004 Dick Vomit: Wouldn't it be on a need-to-see basis? This smells like The Onion. Great paragraphing/line breaks.
04/7/2005 John Slocum (5): onion or not, I had a hearty guffaw. Twice. That's right.