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I was having trouble in the sack, so I went to see ol’ Fister. Ol’ Fister McGhee. He hangs out by the railroad tracks, on the edge of the old quarry off route 70. Maybe you’ve seen him.

“So you came to see ol’ Fister,” he said, as I sat down next to his fire and handed him a fifth of whiskey. “Ol’ Fister has a few tricks up his sleeve, he does.” And he held up his hand for me to see. It was the hand of a much younger man. All smooth and pale, with delicate fingers, but big, knobby knuckles.

“I’ve hidden this old friend in plush, nubile pussholes, and old papery hovels. In the puckered rectums of IRS agents, and the soft, welcoming bungholes of young linebackers, in the taffy-like tushes of…”

“Fister! Can you help me?”
He reached for my hand, took a long hard look, and then took a pull off his bottle.
“Good Lord.” He said. My mother always told me I was all thumbs.

It was a lovely moonlit night and a noisy hoot owl kept time in the background. I broke my losing streak that night and let’s just say…Ol’ Fister met his match.

Date Written: February 09, 2004
Author: Jimson S. Sorghum
Average Vote: 3.2

02/18/2004 Will Disney (4): I like this one. especially the third paragraph. Who wrote this?
02/18/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Agreed. This is pretty funny and that paragraph is the best part. I like, "papery." The ending could have been a little punchier, so no five stars from me.
02/18/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Haunting.
02/18/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): Yeah, the ending coulda been punchier, but it's also sort of in keeping with the format of the story. Anyway, it's [censored]using, and the writing is okay. It just didn't get a chuckle outta me.
02/18/2004 Craig Lewis (2): I know I'm just a guest, but you kiss-asses are widly overrating this crap.
02/18/2004 qualcomm (2): gotta agree with lewis. did nothing for me. i'unno.
02/18/2004 Dylan Danko: I must agree with Lewis. Did anyone really laugh at this??
02/18/2004 qualcomm: clearly an imitation ewan short written by scoop.
02/18/2004 qualcomm: or a subpar ewan short written by ewan.
02/18/2004 Dylan Danko: why don't you cover all your bases while your at it, Jon? That way you can trick yourself into thinking you're always right.
02/18/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh wait! Sorry! No fighty, fighty.
02/18/2004 Mr. Pony: I sort of "hurrfed" at it...but I tend to count those. I don't need to laugh out loud for me to like one of these things. That's how complex I am.
02/18/2004 qualcomm: well, i knew you didn't write it, danko. and that's something. what's your prediction?
02/18/2004 anonymous: I would guess that Texxx wrote it, although it's a little bit more blue than his usual stuff.
02/18/2004 Dylan Danko: Hmmm...maybe it's you, Feldy.
02/18/2004 anonymous: bluer
02/19/2004 Will Disney: wow - jimson is the mystery writer!
02/19/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: yup.
02/26/2004 Jon Matza: Jimson: please confirm whether or not this was the same Fister who was promoted to engineering manager for the application-specific integrated circuit group at Intel in 1988.
02/26/2004 scoop: Holy shit that's funny Matza.