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"P. KLEEKINS." Ooh, dean of the fucking lame-ass high schoooool. Fucking big man. Fuckin' Dean Pussy-ass Kleekins. Got your lacquer fuckin' plastic-ass name plate on the door. God. What a dickfart queeroid. What are you gonna do? Give me some more DEMERITS? Ooh. I'm totally crapping my cupcakes or whatever. OH YEAH, uhhnnn...uhhnn!! That's me crapping. Oh no I get it. I get it. First you have to make me sit here and wait, right, so you can, like, feel all big in there, like, power tripping while you, whatever, jerk off to your Speigel Catalog? You want me to sweat it out? Ok. How about how I sweat off nine pounds hammering your wife with my THOR DONG???? No man can lift the dong of Thor but Thor himself! Thupthupthup! YEAH, BITCH! That's that sound of me shedding poundage on the Kleekins diet. Oh, man!I'm totally gonna crack your brittle thorax in two! I'm gonna step on your neck! Yeah, so how about you go back home and dry hump on your mom's walrus-whisker cunt while you puke and melt, geek. Ugh! Give ME demerits, bitch? I'll stone you to death with petrified nun turds. I'll feed you torrents of elephant sperm with a water cannon til you're Mr. Fucking Kleekins, the Pachyderm Cum Fountain. Yes, PACHYDERM, shitsniffer. That's right. Ooh, oh, "Kevin was not paying attention in class again, Mr. Kleekins, and that LANGUAGE." Oh, really? Well, a pachyderm is any of various large, thick-skinned, hoofed mammals such as the elephant, rhinoceros, or hippopotamus, sphincter mongrel. Yeah, so explain that, Mr. Fucking Genius Dean of Students Homo Dickbag. I'll make you eat a bowl of your own teeth, flip you inside out, slap your organs with a drag queen's purse while you jiggle and quake. Man, it'll hurt so fucking bad you'll, like, start to feel good and start laughing and shit, cuz it'll be so bad it'll be, like, good eventually. Like, when, you know, how in theory anyway, when something gets so hot or so cold, like in Kelvin or whatever, that it actually starts going the other way? Like it's gets so fucking hot it gets cold again? Yeah, well, like that! Man, I just bet you're prolly makin' me wait cuz of like exploring your corn socket in there. Hmm. Hmm? Ooh, what's up here? Mmm, that tickles. Fucking Dean Kleekins. Yeah. You're some big, big, big fucking big man, huh? You just fucking TRY to give me even one more measley-ass, bitch-ass, gay-ass motherfucking demerit and you fucking SEE what I do about it. Yeah. Fuckin' shit Who knows what I'll do?! Fuckin cover you in meow mix and stuff you in a box of hell kittens or some shit. Squeeze you in a vice til you start barking like an anus drinking a fuckin' smoothie. Man, you just suck so fuckin' bad, Mr. Kleekins, I don't even know what. Dick.

Date Written: February 11, 2004
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.3571

02/17/2004 qualcomm (4): fuckin kleekinses of the world were always keeping feldspar down, damaging his self-esteem. assholes. well, what are they gonna do when they read this, huh? probably, like, fill their colostomy bags with shitbricks and piss off their live-in nurse or whatever. fuck you kleekins, i hope she steals more money from your wallet than usual this week! fuckin gloryhole.
02/17/2004 Dick Vomit: Fuck yeah fuckin' Feldspar, you fuck.
02/17/2004 scoop (4): the dickfart queeroids of the world will be first against the wall when the revolution comes.
02/17/2004 Mr. Pony (5): A continuum of Truth and Glory.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: i really shoulda given this a fiver. i'll add that to my next vomit vote.
02/17/2004 Moe-Ron (5): i bet this little shit doesn't say a word to kleekins once he gets called in. pussy.
02/17/2004 Ewan Snow (4): "I'll make you eat a bowl of your own teeth, flip you inside out, slap your organs with a drag queen's purse while you jiggle and quake," is one of the funnier sentences I've read on the site recently. This short, while perhaps a little too dense for its own good, is chock full of funny images and imaginative nuggets, such as, "your mom's walrus-whisker cunt," and, "I'm totally gonna crack your brittle thorax in two!" Pure vituperative energy, made more potent by a nasty imagination, should never go unappreciated on Acme shorts. (I’m only withholding a star because if it had been shorted/condensed, I think it would be a little better.)
02/17/2004 Mr. Pony: I actually like that it's so long. It reads like a pattern--you can sort of hop through it back and forth, always landing on on a fun bit.
02/17/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I think The Dickfart Queeroids are playing tonight at the Bowery Ballroom.
02/17/2004 Jon Matza (3): I dislike Kleekins as much as the next guy, but I can't quite agree with all these raves. Several interesting and odd moments, to be sure, but a bit too much work required overall for my taste. I demand maximum pleasure for minimal effort!
02/17/2004 qualcomm: yes, matza, it is a difficult, challenging read, but he's got the high school voice down so fucking cherry here.
02/17/2004 senator (4): Wow, "I don't even know what." Very creative I must say.
02/17/2004 Dylan Danko: I don't know about that Feldy. I mean I can see Dick Vomit ranting like this now as an adult.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: oh yeah.
02/17/2004 Dick Vomit: Allow me to momentarily descend from my high place to mingle among you and defend this short. See, given the narrator's age and state of mind, the writing must be dense, necessarily, and I think I rather nimbly...HAR HAR
02/17/2004 Moe-Ron: that's just because dick vomit has a childlike innocence.
02/17/2004 Mr. Pony: For a moment, I was afraid we'd have to put him down.
02/17/2004 Craig Lewis (3): No.
02/17/2004 Ghetto Defenda (5): Slapping a Pachyderm Cum Fountain with a Drag Queen's Purse. Say no more!
02/17/2004 Dick Vomit: Oh.
02/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): I didn't think it was that dense. I guess it is, but I agree with Pony: it has a certain rhythm to it that makes it pretty readable, actually.
08/5/2004 TheBuyer (5):
03/9/2005 Blister Buddy (5): I am proud to have my first vote applied to this DiVo classic
03/9/2005 John Slocum (5): Pachyderm. Nice work.
03/16/2005 Dylan Danko: I owe the author a star