home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


"I hate it that all we do is fuck."
"Yeah, I know. It's like--"
"So, what do you wanna talk about?"
"Mmm...You start."
"Um, shoot. Ok. Hmm. You like hockey?"
"So fuck me."

[immediate stroking of semi hard cock behind acid washed jeans, clawing, cooing, (possible delivery of line from female actor akin to, "Ooh, what's this?" optional), opening of pants, exploratory bare hand gripping/twisting of cock, standard 3.5 to 5 minutes of oral (duration depending on actors' moods at time of shoot), including requisite "am-I-doing-it-right", batty-lash, upward gazing/pausing, Lee-Press-on-nail cock-pinching/manipulating, sustained eye contact from female actor while deep throating, male actor going, "Oh, shit. Oh, SHIT. Just the head. Sss, yeah bitch, you like that cock," or equivalent, male actor moving female actor's hair out of the way for viewers' benefit, followed by (requisite) reciprocal cunnilingus, including splay-fingered vulva widening, male actor spitting on "twat", etc., and (again requisite) rapidfire tongue flicking of glistening clit--digital penetration during cunnilingus optional/encouraged--, followed by missionary position on bed, holding balls-slapping-ass shot until view of male actor's anus unbearable, cut to her face, cut to his grimace, cut back to balls-slapping-ass, female actor saying, "Yeah, fuck my pussy. Fuck my fucking pussy, fuck it, yeah, oh god, fuck my pussy," or equivalent, female actor chirping/whooping, cock slipping out, bending almost in half, repositioning of cock (we momentarily think, wow, he's not even really all that hard. I'd be so hard if I were screwing like that, I mean, I'm hard now), changing positions to doggie style or, if applicable, the old standby knees-at-ears position (a.k.a. Power Missionary), her feet flopping limply above his head, cutting to girl from earlier 3-way scene standing in the doorway biting her finger, clawing about the waistband of her panties, considering masturbation (as if that's a real stretch, considering the ferocity of the cocking that just went down in previous scene), cutting to male actor going, "Oh, shit" again (fuckin' one trick pony), then cutting back to other girl confidently fingering herself now, no longer sweating getting caught in the act, cutting to sexual position # 3 (either "the dog" or knees-at-ears, depending which style was previously employed) for final furious minutes of pounding, (we consider the authenticity of female actor's cries here--"Dude, she's faking, the lip sync isn't even matching up. This is--" "Dude, shut UP!"), cutting then to desperate withdrawal from vaginal intercourse, rapid position changing, furious cocksucking to ensure climax, even more "Oh, shit"ing, oral withdrawal, feverish stroking of cock by male actor now, now that it's serious (gimmie that. I know what I'm doing), money shot on face and/or tits of female actor, depending on accuracy of male actor, taking into account which seems more appropriate given the mood on set (but fuck it, at the end of the day it's all feel, anyway, don't want to direct it to death), oh yeah, cut back to girl in doorway lookish sheepish, withdrawing from the room, ensues] Something.

Date Written: February 13, 2004
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.1

02/19/2004 scoop: If you read this in Wilford Brimley's vocie I think maybe its funnier. Its Beckett like density is intimidating a simple country boy like myself. Need to ponder over there a bit before I vote...
02/19/2004 Jon Matza: I refuse to read this text behemoth! Paragraphs, Vomit!
02/19/2004 qualcomm (4): it's funny, that's all. and scoop's right, read in wilfred brimley's voice, it's unbearably hilarious. you should add that note at the top, vomit.
02/19/2004 Dick Vomit: Matza: the next Vomit is appropriately "graffed". This piece, however, is "spewn".
02/19/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Paragraphs would wreck this thing. Just like your last short.
02/19/2004 Moe-Ron (4): the dispassion is brilliant. so is the kicker, "something."
02/19/2004 Snatchy (5): Refusing to read this because it lacks paragraphs is like refusing to fuck Scarlett Johansson because she's wearing socks.
02/19/2004 Dick Vomit: Ok, I'm withdrawing my last comment. The sctructure is pratically the entire point.
02/19/2004 Jon Matza: Man you people are sensitive. Re structure being the point here: I don't deny it, or that my views about this issue are shallow/prejudiced - precisely why I didn't vote on this short, in fact. It may be terrific. All I'm saying is, the sight of a giant paragraph filled with parentheticals, sentence fragments and countless "fucks" does the opposite of pull me in - I assume it's likely to be a self-indulgent waste of time. "Spewn", as you said. It sounds as if I was wrong in this case, however. Re Snatchy's remark: to me it's more like seeing a poorly dressed female, not knowing who she is and not wanting to find out because her clothing doesn't attract me. Land sakes!
02/19/2004 qualcomm: "female"
02/19/2004 Jon Matza: ?
02/19/2004 Will Disney (4): Power Missionary is a keeper. Also liked the closing word.
02/19/2004 Texxx: So are we to assume that people searching for 'Scarlett Johansson' on the web will stumble upon this short? Nice.
02/19/2004 qualcomm: the phrase you used, matza, "poorly dressed female" is funny. female is a dehumanizing word in this context. dehumanization is amusing.
02/19/2004 senator: I agree with Matza. Besides, I don't see why paragraphs couldn't be used in this short.
02/19/2004 port jervis (4): I like it. It's hot. It's erotic. It's cock stiffening. It's also a little too much information - not in the acts described - but in the insight it provides into the authors scaryasfuck persona. Thanks Dick.
02/20/2004 scoop (4): done ponderin'.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer (5): effing howler
07/28/2004 pecker (3): I like the stream-of-consciousness feel. It's almost like livin in your head.
08/12/2004 qualcomm: "cock slipping out, bending almost in half, repositioning of cock (we momentarily think, wow, he's not even really all that hard. I'd be so hard if I were screwing like that, I mean, I'm hard now)" -- this is so fucking important.
03/16/2005 John Slocum: Vomit, I'm going to read this and vote when I'm done shoulder the burden of people's wine needs. Patience.
03/22/2005 John Slocum (4): Great moments (ie. flavors): 'whooping' 'cocking.' An understated hilarious joke: 'don't want to direct it to death.' In the end, just a bit too much of a sweat job to give the fiver, but enjoyed most of the sweat. Sorry this took so long.
03/22/2005 Dick Vomit: But Sloc, don't you hate it that all we do is fuck?