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The bills were stacking up. Money was tight. There was no hope in sight but for HUMINSORC -- the city’s leading temporary employment agency. John, a post-consumerist, stared up at the building and wondered. “Which floor is the office on again?”

But earlier! Aw, man. Earlier in his basement apartment John really articulated a devastating analysis of sterile post-industrial-consumer culture. He tossed around the words odorless, hairless and bloodless. He mentioned something about pasty, garish souls shriveling in desiccating artificial light. “401 K,” he grunted. “Shit.”

The meeting proceeded uneventfully. Here are the minutes:

“Sir, after reviewing your resume and other relevant documents we’ve decided to place you, or rather out resource you, to an impressive financial interest."
"But there’s one thing.”
“You have to wear a suit.”
“No suits. You don’t understand. I don’t wear suits. I’m a post-consumerist!”
“It’s office protocol.”
“Yeah, no. I’m probably not allowed to laugh either.”
“You don’t understand. Preparations have already been made.”
“There's principalities at stake here!”
“You’re already hired.”
“I stand for something. Something important!”
“To the fitting room.”
But I’m a post-consumerist!

As hooligans from the HR dragged John away, his muffled refrain, shrieked over and over and over…, traveled through the spotless galvanized steel H-VAC. Its echoes could be heard beneath the neutral hum of the fluorescent lights and the whirr of hard drives. Somewhere, I think on the 37th floor, a post-post-consumerist shifted meaningfully at his desk.

Date Written: February 13, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.75

02/20/2004 anonymous (5):
02/20/2004 qualcomm (5): it's an inside short, asshole.
02/20/2004 Will Disney: now, what, this is about feldspar?
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: But his name is John, not Jon?
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah this is inside. Basement apartment etc.
02/20/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Mulp. 'spar's right. It's an insider.
02/20/2004 Moe-Ron (5): Inside, but so on the money. Only thing left out was the ugly cats in the basement apartment.
02/20/2004 qualcomm: this is the best line:
"But earlier! Aw, man."
02/20/2004 anonymous: The author is going to have to disagree. While the narrative may have been inspired by real events/persons, the author insists that it can stand, or wobble, on its own. So in other words, the author feels you are all wrong.
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: That's a scoop line, no?
02/20/2004 Mr. Pony (5): If this is an inside short, it's the kind of inside short where you don't have to know all the back-story to find it funny. I find it funny.
02/20/2004 anonymous: Congragulations, Pony, you've been author approved!
02/21/2004 Phony Millions: Your stock is rising Scoop!
02/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Sure is! Let's hope no one torpedoes his ass a second time! None of us is safe!
02/26/2004 annebot (3): feh.
02/29/2004 scoop: Take a whiff of my pant leg, annebot.
03/25/2004 anonymous (1): Way too easy. Business culturre; inabiltiy to transgress in a corporate world, ETC.
10/31/2004 TheBuyer (5): .
11/2/2004 The Rid (5): I agree with Pony. I don't know the backstory at all, but his is hilarious! Favorite line: "I stand for something. Something important!"