home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


A song of Slavic discord formed the coda to my spiralling descent. The squeezebox of my fractured soul wheezed polkas of atonal scheme while castanets and tiny cymbals kept off-kilter time. A bedlam mazurka is what I spun to on my calloused heels, writhing evermore in a straitjacket dance macabre. A dervish of oblivion was I, conductor of my torture chamber orchestra, composer of my neurasthenic fugue! My reason danced a febrile monkey caper to the fiendish organ grinding of my fancy's unleashed monsters. And a serpent of drool from my gibbering mouth lashed to the gypsy soundtrack of my riven mind.

Date Written: February 14, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 3.5455

02/24/2004 anonymous (3):
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony (2): I may just not be getting it, but this thing feels like compounded innecessity.
02/24/2004 Jon Matza (4): Can't he just listen to Led Zep III while he goes nuts?
02/24/2004 Craig Lewis: Or Fine Young Cannibals? (Just kidding.)
02/24/2004 Dick Vomit: God! I was busy losing my marbles and the music was just TERRIBLE! I was spinning around like a twit! I was DROOLING! I mean--cacophony of pseudometaschizophrenia in the shorn earlobes of mine psychic eggshells!
02/24/2004 anonymous: May I suggest, Mr. Pony, that you read the piece aloud to better appreciate its wonderful poetry?
02/24/2004 scoop: I may be wrong here, but I think, Pony, what the author is getting at is that the language itself -- the sound and "feel" of them -- is more central than the narrative the words are spinning. It's very high-end. Having said that, you should now laugh out loud when reading it. Every time. If you don't, clearly you are not cultured.
02/24/2004 scoop (4): Watch as my vote refelcts my level of sophistication.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, I got that part. And while I appreciated the homage to my Romany roots, it sort of just seems like a list of words. Sure, it's a pretty list, but while it makes me nostalgic for Papa and the ol' vardo, it doesn't really communicate much to me. You know, in the way of a narrative. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
02/24/2004 annebot (4): awwwwwwwwww you have a thesaurus! rock on.
02/24/2004 scoop: Would someone please pass Pony the "catsup" for his filet mignon.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Gotta disagree with your metaphor, there, scoop. This short. it's sauce.
02/24/2004 anonymous: pony, your 2-star rating for this short, considered alongside your 4-star rating for this one (with its BRILLIANT (<--sarcasm) coinage of "manbone") gives me cognitive dissonance. which hurts. asshole.
02/24/2004 scoop: Sorry Pony I don't understand you. Your pedestrian use of language sounds like the milky-gurglings of a child from where I sit. Way up here. On my towering perch of intellect and culture, aka Fort Awesome!
02/24/2004 annebot: macaroni AND catsup??????? FATTENING UP OUR TAPEWORM!
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: You know, what, you're right. That was Yesterday Pony, though, and while I have to take responsibility for his actions, I can't always explain them. I think the word "manbone" might have made Yesterday Pony laugh, although I can't be too sure. And perhaps I should have withheld my vote on this one until I fully understood it. Now that it's been explained to me, (has it been fully explained?) I can see that I was trying to look through the point to see the point. I am ashamed at my ignorace. I formally withdraw my vote, and extend my sincerest apologies to the author. Scoop, however, can take a flying fuck at the moon.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: HEY! Fort Awesome is MINE!
02/24/2004 anonymous: hey annebot's back!
02/24/2004 qualcomm: why would someone choose to be anonymous for the below comment?
02/24/2004 anonymous: Must be annebot her/himself.
02/24/2004 annebot: sorry dudes, got a job and shit. can we talk tapeworm?
02/24/2004 anonymous: Yes, I am Annebot!
02/24/2004 annebot: uh, no anonymous you are not annebot. Great, now I have to start my own camp - CAMP WICKED BAD ASS COOL.
02/24/2004 anonymous: I'm going to start a camp called CAMP WICKED BAD ASS COOL! Okay!
02/24/2004 scoop: Gurgle-gurgle little Pony. I still don't understand you. Shouldn't you be at a birthday party entertaining simple-minded brood with your rides?
02/24/2004 anonymous: I'm also going to start one - i meant. Because I am Annebot!
02/24/2004 annebot: ok anonymouso: can you do me a favor and ask your mom what to do about this discharge?
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, scoop, I'm sorry you can't understand how we plain-spoken everyday Americans speak. Is it even possible that you are so woefully out of touch with the Common Man? Perhaps if you spent more time with me on the streets, sharing ideas and stories with real people, and less time in your philosophy-cave playing spum-cookie with Kant and Aristotle? But then, how would you fare, really, down here at the bottom of the mountain, working in the fields; getting your hands dirty with me and the rest of the good people of this great country of ours?
02/24/2004 scoop: Huh? What? Does Pony want a carrot? There, there Pony.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Yes well you are a "scoop" of poo if you ask me.
02/24/2004 scoop: Good One!
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: I was being ironical, you stupid bastard. By the way, you do know that you don't have to capitalize words in the middle of a sentence, don't you? Even if they're the second word of a two-word sentence? For someone who "claims" to have respect for the language, you sure are wrecking it.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, let's stop all this silly bickering. It's pointless.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Psyche! I hate you and you smell!
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey, does anyone else get a boner when annebot's in the room? Just asking?
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, scoop, you gonna let Danko do your fighting for you?
02/24/2004 scoop: I don't fight with Ponies. I pet them. They're so cute. Especially when they get all riled and stomp their cute little hooves, and snort through their adorable stippled snouts. Turn around Pony I gotta a tail here that needs pinning.
02/24/2004 annebot: I give one star for the proverbial tent you are pitching in your pants.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Curse you, scoop!
02/24/2004 annebot: sounds like somebody is ready for a trip to the glue factory! yay glue! pretty ponies be damned!
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm getting that sense.
02/24/2004 Moe-Ron (3): I think this short violates unwritten rule #3 of acmeshorts.com: Their only purpose was to get a laugh. Otherwise, pretty words.
02/24/2004 anonymous: this short was not intended to be taken seriously.
02/24/2004 Moe-Ron: neither was that comment
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Author, if you had spoken up earlier, scoop and I might still be friends.
02/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: uh-huh. There you go again, Dylan. Tendencies. Does jane pratt also give you a woodrow?
02/24/2004 qualcomm: you're an egregious misreader, doula. i pity the Great Books.
02/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Mama's got a squeezebox, though.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: tee hee, jimson. ...Seriously though, what tendencies?
02/24/2004 Moe-Ron: please, feldspar. be more specific in pointing out the ERRor of my ways.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Nobody's understanding anybody.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Yeah that's about all you pity, Feldy. Good short though, especially the factured soul line. But which was it, a mazurka or a polka?
02/24/2004 anonymous: moe-ron: the short is a sendup of the cliche (especially in movies) of insanity being attended by off-kilter music. no seriousity was intended.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: ...
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Curse you, scoop!
02/24/2004 anonymous: danko, it was a potpourri of slavic melody, a goulash of eastern european influences, if you will.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Huh, guess it's Ewan.
02/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Danko: I'll explain OL some other time. remind me. Incidentally, you don't really think this is Ewan, do you? If it is, he's being pretty adept at obscuring himself via "From Author" comments. I gotta hand it to him. Nope, 'snot him.
02/24/2004 Phony Millions: Yeah Jimson but I can see why it reminds you of Ewan a bit, here and there.
02/25/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): No. I'm sorry. Jerking off. Well written jerking off, but jerking off none the less.
03/31/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (2): Three stars for a Jimmy James reff, but that was in the reader comment, so...
05/22/2004 TheBuyer (5): I like your short, I got it right away, and I hope that pisses you off somehow. No one reads these comments, right?
11/19/2004 TheBuyer: five more in excuse of my idiotic comment.
11/19/2004 Mr. Pony: This was the day that scoop was really mean to me. Later that evening, he showed up at my house and beat me up real bad, just enough to keep me out of the hospital.
11/19/2004 John Slocum (5): Nice chestnut.