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McWilliamsburg
You have no idea how close to disaster we came. It was literally the beginning of the end for us, our darkest day, and, at the last moment, we were saved. We were at the brink of despair, leaning over the precipice of doom, and right before falling off the edge we were yanked back to safety. This is what happened:
THEY ALMOST BUILT A STARBUCKS HERE.
Yes, that's right. Let me repeat:
THEY ALMOST BUILT A MOTHER-FUCKING STARBUCKS HERE, RIGHT ON BEDFORD, DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM THE VERB CAFE.
I don't know the details, but for whatever reason, just when they were about to sign the papers, they decided against it. But they were close. Following their standard corporate model, they were planning to position themselves across from the competition (which usually means a small, independently owned business), assuming that their familiar tasting coffee and frappucinos and color scheme and branding would be so welcomed in this chaotic, frenzied world that everyone would flock to them, thus shutting down the little guy/ma and pa store, in yet another victory for franchises, for conformity, for sameness.
That's it in a fucking nutshell. Time for me to head back to my loft-space.
Date Written: February 15, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
02/24/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Seriously, dude. That is fucking BULLSHIT.
02/24/2004 port jervis (5): The piece is a short - but it speaks long unto the history of the struggle. Be at ease brother - for even Beirut has fallen at the knees of the corporate beast, while your 'burg has stood fast. (fist pumping)
02/24/2004 port jervis: Sorry - but I meant to vote 3 stars. Will this voting of one star act as a "fix?" tune in!
02/24/2004 port jervis: No! I'm onyl allowed one vote. To think they would have thought of that. Crap sandwich.
02/24/2004 Will Disney (4): this sounds familiar
02/24/2004 qualcomm (3): the williamsburg once-ler bears ominous tidings.
02/24/2004 Mr. Pony: You Williamsburg Fucks are just asking for it. Quit these half-steps of ironic T-shirts and tissue-paper protests and weekend mohawks and just send up a flare already.
02/24/2004 annebot (3): I think we're all tired of McAmerica. We want to grow up and live in a McMansion with authentic rip off victorian architecture. God or Zeus help us all!!!!!!!!!!!
02/24/2004 qualcomm: know what's funny though? the idea of hipsters getting pantybunched by starbucks because it represents some bugaboo of consumer culture, while at the same time they still form their identity around other consumables. granted, more obscure consumables, but consumables nonetheless. shallow cunts.
02/24/2004 Craig Lewis: I didn't write this short.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko (5): What can I say, I fucking laughed. Williamsburg fucks and their delusions are funny. Loved the loft-space.
05/24/2004 TheBuyer (3): I fucking love Starbucks, assholes.
11/8/2004 Litcube (5): In Vancouver here, and no shittin', on the same f'ing intersection there's two Starbucks' right across the street from each other.
11/20/2004 John Slocum: OKAY EVERYONE, THIS WAS PLAGIARIZED BY A LEWIS/SLOCUM/MATZA/DANKO CONGLOMERATE. OKAY? THERE, THE DIRTY SECRET IS EVEN MORE OUT THAN BEFORE. [also, danko's gay and fucks guys.]
11/20/2004 Mr. Pony: What'll it take to get you to start submitting again?
11/20/2004 John Slocum: I'm a bit burnt out from work.
11/21/2004 Dylan Danko: I fucked Slover but that doesn't make me gay.
11/22/2004 John Slocum: What's 'Slover'?
11/22/2004 TheBuyer: Whatever it is I hope it lives in a state with moderate views on abortion.