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“Nothing is more contemptible than Dennis Miller announcing that he’s made a sea-change in his political views since 9/11, and now he has a new talk show where we’ll get interviews with other Hollywood patsies of the right like Ah-nold,” began the 29 year-old Jewish white male, swilling his overpriced Pabst out of a can in the bar on the Lower East Side.

“I’ll tell you what’s contemptible is these rich fucks who’ve turned this neighborhood into a yuppie hellhole,” said his companion, a Caucasian female of the same age.

An African-American male, slightly older, drawled nasally to them from another table: “That’s a little rich coming from you. You’re just a made-up little white girl who moved here a few years ago and now you think you’ve got street-cred or something.”

“And you’re slightly more pathetic,” offered Craig Lewis, the rock journalist for the leftist rag. “You’re an oreo cookie who desperately wants to have street-cred, but you’re too overly aware of your own position as an outsider. So you’re reduced to spinning out meta-narratives about street cred, while the actual experience escapes you.”

“Nothing!” thundered Ewan Snow from the pool table across the bar, “- and I mean nothing – is more pathetic than a journalist who tries to rise above his own crippling self-awareness by pointing out the self-awareness of someone else!”

An older Tom Waits wannabee with soiled underwear joined in. “I have contempt for all of you on principle, because you’re all so busy trying to be contemptful of each other,” he said. It sounded forced, and he immediately regretted it. He turned sullenly back to his drink, disgraced.

The bar fell silent and everyone felt pity for him. The mood changed to mutual empathy among the patrons. Dreams were shared, and, mind you, a few tears. Plans were made for the future – big plans, crazy plans. I laughed, I cried; later, I fucked all of them. I told the police later that I felt like “all these people” at the bar “were my children.”

Date Written: February 27, 2004
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.61111

03/3/2004 Jon Matza (5): Wasn't sure but the Tom Waits wannabee paragraph killed me. The last two, actually. Oughtn't it be marked as an insider short though?
03/3/2004 Dylan Danko (5): I like "I told the police later..."
03/3/2004 qualcomm (3): eh. it's a 3.5. knock it down to 3 for the below overrates.
03/3/2004 Craig Lewis (4): 3.5 rounded up to 4 in recognition of the author's obvious intelligence. Craig doesn't write for leftist rags. Strictly New Criterion.
03/3/2004 qualcomm: lewis, you rounded up that 3.5 to a 4 just to show you're a good guy and can take a barb, damn you.
03/3/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: mulp.
03/3/2004 Craig Lewis: No, Feldspar: I showed I was a good guy who can take a barb by restraining myself and not unleashing the hellfire of my wit when Snow told me to hang myself a couple of weeks ago.
03/3/2004 Dylan Danko: mulp?
03/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, what's the hell's a "mulp"?
03/3/2004 qualcomm: look, you 2 assholes, we've gone over 'mulp' before. pay attention, jackass.
03/3/2004 anonymous: mulp.
03/3/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, I was just trying to find the earlier explanation, but I don't have the patience. It's kind of a bastardized "well" but with an air of self-satisfaction. For example, Anon b, in his comment [2/27/[censored] 1:46:57 PM ] on this short could be saying "Mulp, 'effects' is a noun." Here you can read it as you will. I stand by my mulp.
03/3/2004 anonymous: 'Mulp' is all about context, then.
03/3/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Well, yes. I guess in the same way that a lot of other words are about context. It does have a distinct meaning. I guess it helps to hear it said. In this case I guess it's "Mulp, Feldspar's right, Lewis, you just want to seem like a good guy."
03/3/2004 qualcomm: mulp = well + an infuriating tone of self-satisfied, judicial finality
03/3/2004 Mr. Pony: The context and apparent meaning for this "mulp" kept changing, so I guess we just assumed that you didn't know what you were talking about. Apologies.
03/3/2004 scoop: Don't apologize, Pony. Mulp is homo.
03/4/2004 Dylan Danko: For the record, I know what mulp is. I was just wondering (jokingly, because of course it did) whether Lewis' response qualified for a mulp. Please get it right, Feldy.
03/4/2004 Ewan Snow: Not that it matters, but it was Feldspar's response that she was saying mulp to. Get it right, Danko.
03/4/2004 Dylan Danko: LOrdy. Ewan please see my mulp to Lewis' response, not that it matters.
03/4/2004 Craig Lewis: Not that it matters, but Danko understood what Jimson was saying mulp to. Danko was simply making the point that my response to Feldspar was also mulp-worthy.
03/4/2004 Craig Lewis: Jinx, Dylan. We crossed posts.
03/4/2004 Jon Matza: Danko: your understanding of mulp is utterly superficial. You'd probably say mulp if you had 10,000 spoons when all you needed was a knife. It appalls and sickens me.
03/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Yes, its subtleties are lost on me. You're probably right about my response to having 10,000 spoons but it's because I like adversity.
10/12/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Gosh. I wish I'd been in that bar.
10/12/2004 qualcomm: wow, it doesn't happen often (in fact, never, other than here), but i really blew my vote on this one. IOU, evans.
10/12/2004 TheBuyer (5): Mr. Evans, I hope your tour of Europe is going well and that you have not had any severe gastro-intestinal distress from the food. Best regards, TheBuyer
11/18/2004 scoop (5): Oh, Qualcomm.
05/10/2005 The Rid (5): Grand.
06/16/2005 Will Disney (4.5): This one is a pleasure to read. That 'made up white girl' line was good, Evans. One ERROR: Pabst is usually pretty reasonably priced on the Lower East Side.
02/12/2012 Marvin_Bernstein: it does not make any sense