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So you go into a restaurant, one of New York City’s finest, everyone wants to eat there, and you want to order a bottle of wine. Let’s face it, it’s probably too expensive, too young, or too modern. It probably has no structure, too much alcohol, too much oak, not enough acid, it’s flabby, everything up front, no finish, just dies on the tip of your fucking tongue. I mean who the fuck would put this shit on a wine list? So you go through the hassle of trying to find restaurants that allow you to bring your own wine in for no corkage fee, or at least a small one, and then the fucking food sucks, or some jerk-off half-wit sommelier makes a point of making you feel unwelcome, or cheap, or like a worthless fuck because you didn’t choose one of his stupid wines even though he has no palate and buys wines from some cunt who also has no palate. He stares down at you through his dark-rimmed trendy fucking glasses, wearing his dumb trendy striped suit like he’s God’s gift to everyone even if they don’t care and he has a thin pointy rat nose and small beady eyes that are too close together and basically he’s ugly and trying to be sexy. Then you FINALLY find a restaurant that has delicious, interesting food, fairly priced, no liquor license, a place where you can bring your carefully purchased, lovingly cellared gems, expressive wines that are ready to drink (can you imagine!), true expressions of the vineyards from whence they sprang, wines which speak of Terroir! And what do they fucking do? They bring you some dip-shit little fucking wine glasses to drink out of which you can barely fit your fucking nose into and which were made to shove up the fucking asses of the fucking proprietors. It makes me want to smash my own face in.

Date Written: February 28, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.3

03/5/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i know what you mean, guy. and you know what else sucks? when you're doing a powerpoint presentation, and the fucking internal UBS macros suddenly blink off in with the banker standing right behind you, and you have to go through each slide and reapply the styles. yeah, that really cheeses my keyster.
03/5/2004 Craig Lewis (4): How quickly this enophile swings from rage at the restaurant proprietors to the verge of masochistic violence! To him I say: don't do it! Don't smash your own face in! Quietly pay your bill, go home, decant your wine in a Spieglau Vino Grande Magnum Mensa decanter, pour into your finest Riedel Vinum Classic Series crystal stemware glass, and savor the mingled flavors of earth, succotash, heathelfeather and turd -- the taste of the ruddy Rhone, la vraie France profonde!
03/5/2004 scoop (4): me like short. hitting bad. no hurt person.
03/5/2004 anonymous: Feldspar: It's nice that you are being understanding, and I appreciate the severity of the situation you described, it sounds horrible, but I must insist the two situations are not analagous. Having to reapply the styles while the banker stands impatiently by is not the same as having to suffer small glasses. Not even close. My situation is horrifying.
03/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Listening to folks talk about wine is like going into a comic store and listening to the customers talk to the proprietor about comics. I actually don't mean that in a bad way.
03/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Mr. Slocum's rant-style shorts seem to be honest, one-to-one expressions of thoughts the author has had. Does this put us into a position of having to rate his ideas? Am I missing something?
03/5/2004 anonymous: Mr. pony: I guess I was playing a character that could give voice to some of my thoughts, although in reality I'm not really that angry about these wine related issues. I was just fucking about. I don't think you're missing anything. Vote your conscience.
03/5/2004 scoop: Oh, in that case I give it five swastikas!
03/5/2004 Jon Matza: Most of the highest quality U.S. wines are marketed as varietals.
03/6/2004 John Slocum: or as 'fantasy' names
03/6/2004 John Slocum: such as quintessa, or opus one
03/6/2004 anonymous: Hi! I'm looking for some information regarding the Brunello di Montalcino Castelgiocondo Ripe al Convento Riserva 1997 from Marchesi de' Frescobaldi. I hear this is a decadent sangiovese but I'm having trouble finding it. Any information would be appreciated. This is a great site. Keep up the good work!
03/6/2004 John Slocum: Is this a joke? If not try http://www.winecommune.com/lot.cfm/lotID/559193.html or http://www.notonlywine.com/en/moreinfo.cfm?Product_ID=90 I guarantee you this wine is overpriced, too much alcohol, too much oak, not enough acid, everything up front, no finish, marketed for suckers like you. So what if parker gave it a 98? You deserve to be parted with your $140.
03/6/2004 Jon Matza: When a vineyard is planted to several different varieties and the grapes are harvested together to produce a single wine, the wine is called a field blend.
03/6/2004 John Slocum: matza: for extra credit, name a winery that makes a good field blend.
03/6/2004 Jon Matza: The goal of the owners at the Acorn Winery is to create food-friendly wines that fully express the characteristic flavors of the diverse grape varieties grown at Alegría Vineyards in the Russian River Valley. The vineyard is a field blend, where (as was the traditional practice in the 19th century) complementary varieties are planted side-by-side, then harvested and fermented together. The mix of varieties evolved over more than 100 years to produce a complete, smooth, and very complex wine, and Acorn's owners are the fortunate custodians of this legacy. Acorn's dark, inky Zinfandel Heritage Vines™ field blend (2001) has intensely concentrated aromas and flavors of dark berries and creamy sweet oak. The plush, jammy mouthfeel and long smooth finish add opulence to this luscious wine. Impressions of vanilla, black pepper, and cocoa, layered over blackberries and plums, contribute to the wealth of flavors. Delicious complexity fills every corner of your mouth with its surprising depth, elegance, and richness.
03/6/2004 John Slocum: Was this bullshit on the back label of a wine bottle? Or on some crappy winery's website? Or did you make this up? If you did and submitted it as a short I would give it 5 stars! Fantastic.
03/6/2004 Dylan Danko: Actually, Slocum, I can get that wine for $90 so I guess the jokes on you!
03/7/2004 John Slocum: That's still about $75 too much.
03/7/2004 Dylan Danko: shit
03/8/2004 qualcomm: "he has a thin pointy rat nose and small beady eyes that are too close together" --- why do i get the feeling you have some specific sommelier in mind?
03/8/2004 John Slocum: yah - the sommelier who thought he could fuck with me
05/24/2004 TheBuyer: I can't vote on a work-gripe rant, even though I liked it. Sorry J.S.
06/16/2004 Mr. Pony (5): This illustrates why 95% of everyone hates their boss, maybe rightly so. This is why the world runs slowly, like a fat, grease-pregnant machine with too many gears. Just give me the damn ball, indeed.
06/16/2004 Ewan Snow: Hey, Mr Pony?
06/16/2004 John Slocum: TheBuyer: this isn't a work gripe. What possible reason could you have for being so utterly, stupidly wrong, you festering little shit?
06/16/2004 TheBuyer (4): fine, I agree with scoop, hitting bad. thanks to Tiddlycunt for turning into Cooper and exposing me as a festering little shit.
06/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Yes, Ewan.
09/6/2004 Mr. Pony: What? Ewan, what is it?
06/7/2005 The Rid (4.5): A solid undertaking, the gripe short. Funny, too!