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"Daddy, why's Barfy wearing a cone?"
"That's not a cone, Jeffy. That's called an 'e-collar'. Dogs wear them when they have an operation so that they don't gnaw at the stitches and re-open their wounds."
"But it isn't shaped like an 'E'! Is it like e-mail?"
"Heh, heh! That's a great guess, Billy! No, it has nothing to do with the internet. In this case 'E' stands for 'Elizabethan.' You see, back in Elizabethan England, the fashion was to wear large, elaborate collars that superficially resemble the ones veterinarians use today, hence the name 'e-collars.' We saw some old paintings where people wore the original e-collars when we went to the museum last summer-"
"But what's wrong with Barfy, Daddy? Why did he need to get stitches?"
"Well, Dolly, Barfy had a sort of illness which was causing him to act funny. Do you know what it means a female dog is in heat? No? Of course not! Well, it's what happens when she feels the urge to make puppies. She emits an odor that male dogs like Barfy smell which causes them to become sick and act funny. Do you understand?"
"Good. Well, it's not only female dogs, or bitches that go into heat, kids. Other bitches do too. You may be too young to remember when Mommy was pregnant with PJ..."
"When she had a big belly!"
"That's right, Dolly! You are one smart little whippersnapper! Maybe you've also noticed Barfy acting oddly recently..."
"Like making a wettie on Mommy's leg?"
"Exactly, Jeffy! Like making a wettie on Mommy's leg. Well, that's what Barfy did when PJ was created too. Except it wasn't on Mommy's leg. It was inside her pee place."
"Yes, Billy. I didn't realize you knew that word! He made a wettie in her pussy. And now it looks like Mommy's in heat again. So, if we didn't do something about Barfy's sickness fast, he was going to impregnate Mommy again. You would have had another little brother like PJ."
"That's how I felt too, kids. We couldn't allow that to keep happening, could we? No siree. That's why we had the vet remove Barfy's testicles. Now he isn't sick any more."
Date Written: March 01, 2004
Author: Jon Matza