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“Tell me again how tannins affect the tongue,” asked Sheryl.

“Hold on,” replied Bobby, “I think I got a leanah! FUCK! I got Jipped, fuckin’ Heffa knocked it ovah. Fuck you, Heffa, I’m gonna kill ya’!”

“Bobby,” whined Cheryl, “Jimmy lied to me about tannins. He says they make my mouth water, but I think it’s acid that makes my mouth water, not tannins. Tannins dry your tongue out, right?”

“Fuckin’ Jimmy, what a jokah. He’s just flirtin’ with ya’, Sheri. Course it’s tannins what dry your tongue out. They’re the compounds in red wine which come from grape skins, pips and stems where they arise from the condensation of catechins and proanthocyanidins. Jesus! Look at those art faggots in the fuckin’ quad.”

“Oh Bobby, I’m never going to listen to Jimmy about wine components again. "That's great Sheri. Get on your knees, I'm gonna give you the smackums of your life before G block. My spew'll dry your tongue out! Drink Arch Spew!"

Date Written: March 08, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.75

Comments:
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko (5): I miss Heffa. Please check note correct spelling of shmackums.
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: You can either check or note. Totally up to you.
03/15/2004 Craig Lewis: The West Hartfordians may be a bit befuddled by this one, which contains multiple piquant allusions to Brooklineania. It may be helpful to know that the action takes place in "The Arch," a shaded passageway that runs between the Brookline High School interior quadrangle ("The Quad") and leafy Greenough Street. The dramatis personae appear to be Irish townies ("Point kids"); the "art faggots" are, in all likelihood, members of SWS, Brookline High's "alternative" "School-Within-A-School" program, although some non-SWS pupils would likely also have been present, among them an improbably hirsute Danko (full head of floppy curls!), cutting his F block class to "have a hack" (play hackysack). "Blocks" are class periods. "Proanthocyanidins" are a highly specialized group of bioflavonoids -- one of the most potent free radical scavengers known -- possessing an antioxidant effect up to 50 times more potent then vitamin E and up to 20 times more powerful then vitamin C.
03/15/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Slocum: Butchart would be proud. As would the entire Volksinger coaching staff.
03/15/2004 qualcomm: yeah, but what about the "leanah"? are they playing some game?
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Maybe Maniacs wants to chime in here?
03/15/2004 scoop (2): Perhaps if the author would have explained this situation the way Lewis did it woudl have been funny. As it stands, it's not.
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: What's wrong Scoop? The Lerpa gettin' to ya. This is funny even if you remove "Heffa," "Arch," "G Block" etc.
03/15/2004 scoop: Well after theat Perry MAson like speech, Danko, I clearly see that this short, saturated with inside baseball nosatlgia, is actually very funny. Tannis AND shmackums. What could I have beeen thinking!
03/15/2004 Jon Matza: Re 'leanah': correct me if I'm wrong, Slocum...but I believe this refers to an occurrence in the game pennies (where you're tossing coins against a wall) when someone's coin lands such that it leans against the wall - the best possible outcome since whoever's coin lands closest wins all the coins. if memory serves, this was an actual overheard snippet.
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Not sure what you could have been thinking. Especially with that Perry Mason comment!?! Have you forgotten your Mantra or something??
03/15/2004 $ (4): Hey everybody, great site! My little sister “hipped” me to acmeshorts.com and I’ve been reading for a couple weeks, just submitted my first short and now my first vote. John Slocum, good first line, but this didn't do it for me. Maybe if I got the references, it'd be funnier. One extra star out of good will and love for humanity. Scoop, are you saying Dylan Danko's comment was Perry Masonish? Seems more Hamilton Burgeresque to me.
03/15/2004 scoop: Yes.
03/15/2004 scoop: Yes, oh mysterious money sign which both attracts and repels me, you are right.
03/15/2004 Will Disney: Okay, who's your little sister, $?
03/15/2004 $: I'm not a "money sign"! I am $, the symbol of the United States dollar, as embodied in the popular United States Federal Reserve Notes. Do not call me "money sign" or I will assume you share the sexual orientation of my mythical three dollar denomination!
03/15/2004 $: What, are you gonna ask her out?
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: haven't we heard this cashman comment before? A while back? Same use of hipped or something similar? Hmm.
03/15/2004 $: Don't call me cashman! I'm $ dammit!
03/15/2004 anonymous: Hey $, I may ask your sister out...depending. Is she spiritual? Is she shaved smooth?
03/15/2004 $: While I appreciate you calling me by my name, I don't appreciate comments about my sister. I guess I shouldn't have mentioned her. She's not even eighteen, okay? So, seriously, please drop it.
03/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Ha! Good work, anon.
03/15/2004 anonymous: I guess she's not a very spiritual person. It never would have worked out. Anyhow, welcome $!
03/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Hey, money feller, why don't you lighten up?
03/15/2004 $: Thanks, anon, but I think she's pretty spiritual. Ewan Snow, shut the fuck up. MY NAME IS $!!!!!
03/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, okay, $. No need to hollar. So, is your sister into unicorns? Tell her I think they're cool. Just a joke, buddy. No bid deal. Welcome to acme, I guess...
03/15/2004 Jon Matza: Welcome £!!
03/15/2004 $: Leave me alone!
03/15/2004 anonymous: Wait, $: don't be pissed at Matza. You're worth a lot more these days in sterling!
03/15/2004 anonymous (3): I agree it's not easy to follow a short when one doesn't understand the references, but that's not what would have bothered me about this one. Shmackums and tannins notwithstanding, I'm deducting a star from my own short because the whole thing revolved around a cheap joke, townie-types, obviously dumb, discussing wine components and suddenly busting out with very technical chemical terms. Too simple, targets too easy. Tried to salvage it at end by having male townie hitting his penis against female townies face and making her drink his cum. Without ending, would have given it a 2 star vote. Matza: you're right about the concept of the "Leanah." Spot on.
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Dude, we've totally moved on from the short and on to Cashman!
03/15/2004 anonymous: I see that but I had to get some words in about MY SHORT
03/15/2004 $: Dylan Danko, I'm glad you find it amusing to call me "Cashman", I really am. You must have so little joy in your life, it's difficult to reprimand you for it. Nonetheless, DON'T CALL ME CASHMAN!!! MY NAME IS $!!!!!!!!!!!! Same goes for anonymous and that dumb Brit, Jon Matza! MY NAME IS $!!!!!!!!!!!! Show some respect!
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Then stop.
03/15/2004 anonymous: $: In the future, please be more judicious in your use of multiple exclamation points. You're blowing your wad on your very first day here.

P.S. Disney, can you change my name to "~"?
03/15/2004 $: Point taken, anon. It just really burns me when somebody tries to be funny by calling me "cashman" and the like. My name is $. Period.
03/15/2004 Will Disney: oh, i could anon_user_a, if you would SHOW YOUR FACE!
03/15/2004 anonymous: Disney: I would show my face, but I do not wish to bring humiliation on any person or persons with whom I might or might not have been enmeshed in a feud (on this or any other website) -- that is to say, I do not wish, by revealing my true identity, to confuse anyone, least of all the individual (or individuals) who might have chanced, several posts back, to offer what could be construed as kind words in reaction to, or perhaps even a hearty endorsement of, something I wrote. For this and other reasons, I chose to remain anon_user_a.
03/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Wasn't really trying to be funny there Cashman. I just prefer to assign you a nickname instead of having to type that symbol. You know, like, when we were kids and one kid had big lips so he was called Lippy and one kid always had a runny nose so he was called Snotty and one kid always wore rugby shirts so he was called Rugby even though his name was %.
03/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Or when one kid was always sniffing your ass or taking a dump on the lawn, so you called him Rover.