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ArtTron IV sipped from its plastic goblet of chilled chardonnay and ran its fingers through its long, greasy hair. It hadn’t shaved in days, as its programming dictated before big exhibitions.

A small woman wearing a lorgnette and a shawl approached him.

“It’s such a pleasure to meet you,” she gushed.

“Oh, thank you,” ArtTron IV heard itself reply.

“Can you tell me a little bit about this piece?”

ArtTron IV ‘felt’ flattered; certain circuits in its positronic array fired, filling its neural net with the perception that it was performing its primary functions exceptionally.

“You just happened to pick my favorite one to ask about,” ArtTron IV said.


“Oh, yes. This was actually the first piece in the collection, and I can’t help but feel that I never surpassed it. I first got the idea for it while watching CNN’s coverage of the Colombian coup d’etat…”


Later, ArtTron IV slumped on its sofa with a bottle of Jack Daniels. One of its primary functions was to consume alcohol. It swigged from the bottle as the man-apes from “2001: A Space Odyssey” cavorted on the television. They had just discovered the monolith, and were about to graduate to a new level of consciousness. It was the only video ArtTron IV owned.

ArtTron IV looked in its lap. The young girl it had picked up after the show was still at it. She bobbed up and down on its giant phallus. ArtTron IV chose this moment to flood her mouth with its sterile seed. Its pleasure circuits fired, filling its neural net with the perception that it was performing its primary functions exceptionally.

“Oohh, man,” it moaned.

“You like that, baby,” she asked, wiping her mouth with the back of her wrist.

“There’s some Listerine under my sink,” it replied.

She buttoned her blouse and went to the bathroom.

The apes on the television triumphed over their rivals through the use of tools. The ghost of a thought buzzed around ArtTron IV’s head, lingering just outside of its programming. It had experienced this perception several times during the last few months…

Date Written: April 22, 2002
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.55556

03/1/2003 scoop (3): bullshit. who the fuck wheres a shawl. whatever.
05/14/2003 Ewan Snow (5): Scoop, please keep you "jokes" to the GuestShorts area. It is clearly marked. Comments here are for serious literary criticism only. This short is wonderful, and that's that.
02/2/2004 scoop: yeah, yeah, yeah. fine -- it's brilliant. whatever.
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony (5): See, why can't you write stuff like this anymore?
03/22/2004 qualcomm: i'unno!!
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony: And another thing! How many votes does this thing have to have before it registers a rating?
03/22/2004 qualcomm: looks like scoop's initial vote has been erased, wiped clean by the wrath of God! quick, scoop, vote 5 now!!
03/22/2004 scoop (5): No!
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony: You fucking communist!
03/22/2004 scoop: It wasn't my fault. I was drunk on the scent of The Lerpa. Transfixed by his intoxicating odors I could only do his bidding. But I'll have my revenge, and The Lerpa II!
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony: You know, scoop, we just keep pushing ourselves further and further out of the top five. I suppose that's the price of honor. Still, I suppose all those shorts with perfect five ratings deserve to be there, otherwise people would have voted them out by now.
03/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I really enjoyed this. I felt like I could relate to it on a lot of levels. Especially the random girl giving a blowjob part. That hit a parallel chord with me. I can't help but read Art Tron IV's spoken lines with the robot voice from "Gorf".
03/25/2004 mr.coffee (5): great! simply great! Again [refering to Scoop's latest opus] a simple overall piece, yet the details remain between the line.
11/12/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Thank goodness for the some random shorts feature.
03/11/2009 scoop: "Its pleasure circuits fired, filling its neural net with the perception that it was performing its primary functions exceptionally." Say author, does the "its" in the above passage refer to ArtTron IV or the girl?
03/13/2009 Mr. Joshua (5): Scoop, you've given some unaccountably poor ratings to quality shorts over the years.
03/13/2009 qualcomm (1): no way, this one's overrated.
12/18/2009 Dylan Danko (5):