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Topical Billy, a thatch-haired lad of 8 years, strode into Miss Downey's Third Grade class.

"Hey Ya!," he bellowed. "Sorry I'm late, Miss D.! Just got back to town...after a weekend at an undisclosed location!...Wait, why the long face? You're so Bill Murray on Oscar Night right now! Give a fella a break! I'm just twenty minutes late! You're looking at me like I'm Jason Giambi's personal trainer or something! I'm starting to feel like MEL GIBSON at a B'nai Brith conference, here!"

Billy plopped his book-bag onto his desk and yanked off his orange knit ski-cap. "Lookee here," he said, holding the cap aloft and pirouetting to face his classmates. "Um...I'm such the Seattle-Nose-Ring-Wearing-Punk-Vegan-Canvassing-Cedar-Rapids-DEANIAC right now!" He put the cap back on. "Heyyyyyy...come on out on January 19 and Caucus for Howard! It will be a SCREAM!...What, you guys don't BLOG?!...Ha ha ha, somebody get TRIPPI on the Blackberry!"

He whipped the cap off again and tried to toss it into the cubby room -- but it landed at Miss Downey's feet.

"Ouch!," Billy exclaimed. "Talk about a WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! Let's not even go there, people!...Oh sheesh, Miss Downey looks mad!...I feel like Sadaam in the SPIDER HOLE all of a sudden!...like ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI at the Firemen's Benevolent Association Ball! Ha ha ha! I would turn in my home work, Miss D....but I left it at Aristide's house! And if you believe that, I've got about 500,000 shares of ImClone stock to sell you!"

"Billy, sit down and be quiet this instant!"

But Topical Billy didn't sit down. He clambered on top of his desk, grinning. "Ooooooh, you're so Michael Powell right now!" He raised his fist in the air. "Freedom of speech!...Ha ha ha...Hey class, what say we all pile in LARRY DAVID'S PRIUS and take a field trip to Rosie O' Donnell's wedding reception?!" Miss Downey marched across the classroom, grabbed Billy by his earlobe and began dragging him into the hallway.

"Hey, wait, where am I going, GITMO?!?!...Who am I, here, Lee Malvo?!?!?...Don't shoot!...Ha ha ha...Hey, Miss D., I'm beginning to suspect that you're a MASSACHUSETTS LIBERAL!"

Date Written: March 10, 2004
Author: Craig Lewis
Average Vote: 4.2222

03/16/2004 Jon Matza (5): Yeah Brookline!!!!
03/16/2004 Will Disney (5): a real masterpiece!
03/16/2004 qualcomm: torn on this one. while the topical jokes are dead-on lame, i don't like the name Topical Billy and my chancre rankles at the old chestnut of unrealistically sophisticated humor coming from the mouths of babes. processing...
03/16/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Heh.
03/16/2004 John Slocum (5): A tour de force! Down with Newton North!
03/16/2004 qualcomm: (to those of you not in the know, Newton North is a grape varietal preferred by American vintners in the sub-Napa regions)
03/16/2004 Will Disney: No, Lerpa, the name Topical Billy is actually pretty funny.
03/16/2004 qualcomm: nope, disney, you're being an idiot. come back to this short in six months and you'll agree. now stop posting.
03/16/2004 Dylan Danko: Someone get some counseling for The Lerpa or maybe just a good rub down.
03/16/2004 Dylan Danko (5): This one is brill!
03/16/2004 qualcomm (3): crony counter-vote
03/16/2004 John Slocum: Wrong Lerpa: "Newton Baco" is the name of a grape varietal (Vitis Labrusca, not Vitis Vinifera) planted in South Dakota (yes - south dakota is under vine!). Newton North is different.
03/16/2004 Mr. Pony: [sucking noise through clenched teeth]
03/16/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey Lerpa! We've decided that you annoy the shit out of us and we don't want you coming here anymore. We've left a number of hints which you seem incabable of understanding. Anyway, no hard feelings but just don't write anymore shorts or comment on anything. Ok?
03/16/2004 qualcomm: who's we? all you lewis boosters?
03/16/2004 Craig Lewis: Don't drag me into this, Lerpa!
03/16/2004 scoop (3): I think the excellent writing displayed here along with the accurate capture of Billy's annoyingly uber-now vocie camoflauges the fact that this joke is a one trick pony. Kids talking all uppity and what not gets boring aftter a while, especially for how long this short was. Unlike one of Slocum's precious wines, this bad-boy isn't going to age well I don't think.
03/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Heeeey, I'm a one trick pony.
03/16/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Fact: Newton North always wins Thanksgiving football games against the vastly inferior Brookline High. Good short but dragged a little by the earlobe towards end.
05/28/2004 TheBuyer (4): after the fact vote. Fuck, I want a partial but I'll cheat high. 3.6