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A pitiful youth stood before me. A row of moon-shaped pustules stretched like a mountain range across the narrow strip of flesh above his upper lip, where a grown gentleman's whiskers would be found. The sheer effort of producing the syllables that he stammered, and stammered, and stammered again, in the vain hope that they might arrange themselves into a coherent word -- a harsh staccato rhythm that reminded one of nothing so much as the canon fire that had echoed down the battlefields of one's youth, and the roaring hooves of Wellington's cavalry, and the drumbeat thud of soldiers toppling from their mounts into the blood-soaked mud of Ligny and Waterloo -- that idiot-stammering caused great frothy vortices of spittle to appear at the corners of the imbecile's mouth, and then, finally, to whirl forward, such that I was forced to doff my hat, and employ it as a makeshift shield against the torrent. Oh, how I pitied this hideous simpleton...and how I loathed him! I was wont to reach beneath my cloak, produce a switch, and clatter him about the head and midsection -- to tear great furrows into his mottled skin, to cleave the very white-capped pocks that so repulsed me! At length, I did.
"Oh, spit it out, lad!" I cried, lashing the halfwit with deft forehand swipes.
"Speak, tomfool!," I thundered, striking at his spindly arms. "Speak...or die!"
"P-p-p-ppppp-p-p-p-pp...P-p-p-paper or ppppp-p-p-plastic?," he shrieked at last.
He lifted his bloodied visage, trembling, and faced me with darting eyes.
"PLASTIC, you swine!," I bellowed, landing another screaming blow across his solar plexus. "And mind that you don't knacker the Newman's Own!"
Date Written: March 12, 2004Comments:
Author: Craig Lewis
Average Vote: 4.5
03/17/2004 qualcomm (5): is this ignatius from confederacy of dunces?
03/17/2004 John Slocum (4): c-c-c-ccccc-c-ccraig, t-t-t-t-too l-l-lo-lo-lololo-lllong
ffff-ff-ff-f-f-for p-p-ppppp-p-p-p-ppunchline. One star off.
03/17/2004 Jon Matza (5): This is first-rate, can't be gainsaid. Deal with it, anti-Lewisans.
03/17/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Gosh, that's fun.
03/17/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Minus points for off British accent, too many adjectives, and misuse of the word knacker.
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko (5):
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Shit. Benny's right about knacker. Lewis remind me to deduct a star from your next short.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: Benny: you're totally within your rights not to like my adjectives or my accent, but you're wrong about "knacker." Any Brit you meet will tell you that the term is used both as an adjective -- as a synonym for "fatigued" ("Blimey, I'm knackered") -- AND as a verb, meaning battered, worn out, fucked up, etc. See, for instance, this important message board thread on the www.dvdrhelp.com website. A popular schoolyard parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Jesus Christ Superstar" theme song goes as follows: "Jesus Christ Superstar/Came down from heaven in a Yamaha./Did a skid, killed a kid,/Knackered his nuts on a dustbin lid." I'm sure you agree you owe me at least a star.
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Remind me to take one more star off. You're still wrong, Lewis.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: Danko! You should know better! I'm going to spring some of me china plates out of Wormwood Scrubs and come round Muswell Hill to give you a right kick in the tits, you pooftah berk!
03/17/2004 qualcomm: interesting. the knacker thing. are you sure that's the right spelling, lewis? because i've heard medical school students refer to tissue that's nacred, meaning greyish-white in color, indicating bacterial infection. it's derived off the word nacre, meaning mother-of-pearl, which such tissue resembles. these doctors also use nacred to refer to anything which is essentially fucked and moribund. and although nacre is pronounced with a long a sound, i have heard nacred pronounced as if it were spelled knackered. once again, interesting.
03/17/2004 qualcomm: *actually, according to merriam-webster.com, even the noun nacre is pronounced with a short A sound.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: The Lerpa: I'm sure you're right about nacre, but I'm also right about knacker. From the website of BBC 6 radio (the Beeb itself!): "Did your dad charge into the front room thinking you’d knackered the stylus on his stereo when you put on the Mary Chain’s Never Understand (mine did)?"
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: I'll admit Lewis is right. But I contend that his usage is a modern day one and that his character would never use it like that. The derivation comes from the slang for a tired and useless horse, I believe. A knacker was someone who traded in horses for the glue factory etc which was called a knackery.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: Danko's right. But the Newman's Own is also an anacronism...so, Boo-YAAA!
03/25/2004 scoop (5): Not as good as Snow, but brilliant!
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Holeeee Shit, scoop.
05/24/2004 TheBuyer (4): Knackered can mean, "fucked" or "all fucked out" as well. I'm knackered from fucking and my bollocks took a knackering.
01/17/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): I think this is what Lord Jim might have been like if Conrad had written it in 1973.
03/31/2005 deliciousbrains (4):
03/30/2007 Master Bates (5):
04/17/2007 Plumster (4): Tremendous behaviour, Bravo! I was knackered reading it.