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"One peanut butter and salt sandwich, asshole," I said to Jean George's maitre d'.

"I'll be back, you fuck!" I found myself shouting on the sidewalk minutes later.

"Don't you blowjobs have some minorities to hassle?" I remarked to the cops. "And what's with the nightsticks? I though you pigs were partial to toilet plungers."

"Hey you fucking quack," I groaned to the ER doctor, "Use some mouthwash, stat!"

"Faggoty robes, St. Peter, real A-1 homo duds, guy."

Date Written: March 13, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.65

03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: The protagonist of this short has "issues." I really admire the concision here; so short and sweet. To me this is a 4.5, but I bumped it up une demi-étoile because of the brevity.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis (5): Doy-hickey.
03/17/2004 John Slocum (4): Few words but alot of movement and action, all conveyed simply through angry comments. Very well done.
03/17/2004 Will Disney (5): come on - this is five stars!
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: Did The Lerpa write this?
03/17/2004 John Slocum: For me almost 5 stars, and maybe I should have given it, but what would have pushed me over the edge would be one more little line where character insults the devil. Maitre d puts him on the street, policeman puts him in hospital, doctor kills him, st.pete sends him to hell. The St. pete line is pentultimate for me.
03/17/2004 Will Disney: man this one is funny.
03/17/2004 Ewan Snow (5):
03/17/2004 Will Disney: ha!
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I disagree with Slocum. A Satan joke would have been too obvious. Thing is, I laughed but not that hard.
03/17/2004 Jon Matza (5): From the moment the narrator's misguided order sets the story into action, the plot marches forward with pitiless logic until its all-but-inevitable, tragic denoument is reached. A chilling cautionary tale.
p.s. 'Stat' is a slur for doctor, I presume? Where it come from? Etymologists?
03/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Stat means immediately, right now. Not sure of etym. Look it up, dude.
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: I guess Matza never watched Trapper John, MD.
03/17/2004 $ (4): At first I didn't quite follow this, but after I re-read it I thought it was really funny.
03/17/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): This is obviously a five star piece, but since I'm in a bad mood, and didn't laugh, I'm giving it four.
03/17/2004 Benny Maniacs: Hey $, do you have like ten bucks you could lend me?
03/17/2004 $: I really don't appreciate jokes about my name, Benny. I've tried to make that clear.
03/17/2004 John Slocum: $: no one seems to care to respect your wishes, no matter how clear you convey them.
03/17/2004 $: I've noticed that.
03/17/2004 annebot (3): mediocre.
03/17/2004 Will Disney: annebot, you may be hot but you're freaking crazy if you think this is 3.
03/17/2004 anonymous: i've been wrong about this sort of thing before, but i suspect that annebot is a cow.
03/17/2004 annebot: well.... I have always dreamed of having a conversation about my measurements with a gaggle of tards!
03/17/2004 scoop: Flying in the air we are referred to as a "skein" of tards. Just FYI
03/17/2004 Moe-Ron (5): 4 stars for the short, bumped up to 5 stars for that last comment to annebot. Clearly, there are still vestiges of ol' drunken Feldspar within The Lerpa cause this short is pure drunken Feldy.
03/17/2004 anonymous: yeah, and is two really a gaggle?
03/17/2004 annebot: I have no interest in discussing my wicked hot ass. It only takes away from the discussion of my gigantic tits.
03/17/2004 scoop: I think she may have talking about the lot of us, From Author, thus the liberal use of gaggle. Just FYI.
03/17/2004 Will Disney: I think we're missing the point here. Despite her huge tits, Annebot's rating of this short is criminal!
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Advantage Scoop! Only coz I was gonna say skein but couldn't remember it due to factors relating to drink.
03/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Disney, her huge tits ARE the point(s)! Who the fuck cares about this short now??
03/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):
03/18/2004 Mafia Mike (5):
03/18/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Why does no one ever talk about my measurements?
03/18/2004 annebot: Ok dudes, WANG check! Tell me what you are packin' How big is your meat and can it be beat?
03/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Whoa whoa whoa
03/18/2004 scoop: The ladies don't call me "THE ACCOMMODATOR" for nothing, annebot.
03/18/2004 qualcomm: they call me The Sufficer.
07/16/2004 TheBuyer (5): ha! shit, I read this before when I was on a The Artist Formerly Known As The Lerpa kick but didn't want to look like a suck-up 5ing all The Artist Formerly Known As The Lerpa shorts. now I don't care if everyone knows my deep, crushy admiration for him, I want the whole world to know. grr tiger, grr.
07/25/2004 scoop (5): Forgot about this one. Kraut like efficiency is to be admired here. Effectively effective.
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony: Ah, annebot was fun. What ever happened to annebot? I mean, where did annebot go?
10/11/2004 scoop: She farted.
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony: Farted?
10/11/2004 scoop: Farted.
10/12/2004 Pix: Dude.
10/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Sup.
12/2/2004 Litcube (5): Indeed, very efficient. Well done, Qualcomm.
12/3/2004 Dick Vomit (5): Big on this one. Thank goodness the messge boards brought me here.
08/23/2005 The Rid (5): Always dug this one.
08/23/2005 Klause Muppet (5): Very short. Very funny.
02/14/2006 scoop: Aw man, I sure do miss Mafia Mike.
04/7/2006 Master Bates (5): Haw!