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Normally, Dr. Phillips would have reacted, would have done something, but scientific curiosity overrode professional discretion. He’d have to review the literature, but he was almost certain this was without medical precedent.

Dan, the father, felt what moments ago was almost palpable euphoria morph in to something cold inside. He had never been to one of these before but instinct told him this wasn’t how it’s done. Jennifer, the mother, was just too spent to wonder about "birthing protocol."

The baby, (It was a girl!) they hadn’t decided on a name yet, but they were thinking about McKenna. Little McKenna gurgled a damp sound.

And the doula, well, she was busy.

“Get back in there you little parasite,” the doula shrieked. Her efforts generated a slurping suction as she struggled to cram the squirming new born back up Jennifer’s wet, distended birth canal. Her hands were slick with a milky discharge, a runny cocktail of liquid bioilogy -- urine, blood, mucous. “It’s not time! It’s not time!”

No one in the labor and delivery room could divine any method at all. This doula appeared to be working considerably off the new age-alternative-birthing grid.

Miracle of childbirth, shit. Some miracle.

Date Written: March 15, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.5

03/19/2004 Will Disney: ewwww
03/19/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I'm giving this a 3.5 because it's a great idea, but the writing seems a little clunky. Plus five if it's Scoop. If not, then you shouldn't be writing about Scoop's wife like that, and I retract my .5 star.
03/19/2004 qualcomm: maniacs, you're such a misogynist - does it occur to you that these wives can think for and defend themselves?
03/19/2004 scoop: This one certainly does not pass the Patchogue "Cheerios Test."
03/19/2004 scoop: Yeah, MAniacs, you misogynist jerkhead.
03/19/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Yuck! Would have like an ending where something happened, I think. Upon a closer inspection, the short seems like a structure designed only to house the "off the grid" phrase. Upon an even closer inspection, this seems not to be the case.
03/19/2004 Ewan Snow: I have to say that Pony makes the funniest comments on the site. Not that the one below is his finest work, just in general. Mr. Pony, I applaud you! As for the short, I'm not sure how to vote. My gut tells me three, but my birth canal tells me four...
03/19/2004 Mr. Pony: Thank you, Mr. Snow. I'd like to direct your attention, however, to this comment by scoop, perhaps the funniest comment ever left on Acme Shorts.
03/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: In response to The Lerpa and Scoop's defamation of my character: It is a well known fact that women can't think for themselves. Anyway, I knew it wasn't Moe-Ron because she's not an author.
03/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Assholes.
03/19/2004 anonymous: Ewan: Trust your inner birth canal. It will lead you to the healing waters.
03/19/2004 Moe-Ron (4): I don't think you're a mysogonist, Benny. I think you're cute. And thanks for trying to defend my honor, although I have none. Author, clearly the doula's efforts wouldn't have "generated a slurping sucition," they would've forced a queefish sound.
03/19/2004 Mr. Pony: Ah, the elusive Queefish.
03/19/2004 scoop: Hey Maniacs, The Lerpa and I did not defame your character, because we used w-o-r-d-s, not p-i-c-t-u-r-e-s. What we did was libel your character. Ok, cutie?
03/19/2004 Mr. Pony: Wait, defamation has to involve pictures? I'm intrigued.
03/19/2004 Dylan Danko: For the record, defamation includes both libel (written/published) and slander (spoken).
03/19/2004 scoop: yeah, i know i just wanted to hurt something beautiful.
03/19/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): Danko?
03/19/2004 Mr. Pony: So what's the one involving pictures?
03/20/2004 Jon Matza: Pony: it's called horny libel.
03/22/2004 mr.coffee: dude, you forgot to say that they also take huge dumps when they squeeze out a kid!!!
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony: Wow, Is that true?
03/22/2004 Moe-Ron: yeah, its true, but generally not huge ones. i'd say the poops of labor are on the smallish side of things.
03/22/2004 Mr. Pony: I love how the Liberal Media just glosses over this type of thing.
03/22/2004 mr.coffee: It’s no coincidence that we come into the world covered in shit! We spend the rest of our lives extracting ourselves out of it.
03/25/2004 anonymous (1): Too easy a target. The whole medical-industrial complex thing.
05/13/2004 TheBuyer (4): retro silver
12/24/2004 Shane Mahoney (1): I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.