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The most fascinating conversation of all time was occurring live on broadcast TV. A record-breaking international audience (estimated at 33% of the world's population) had tuned in to watch a carefully selected list of pertinent issues get discussed by the panel of speakers, each one an exceptionally intelligent, learned, accomplished, witty and critically acclaimed person of letters. Great care had been taken to ensure that all races, nationalities, genders, sexual orientations, ages and like categories were represented equally among the panel members. Billions watched, enraptured, as a breathtaking number of ideas, points of view and solutions to problems both theoretical and actual were proposed, examined and assigned merit according to various predetermined criteria. Every utterance was judged objectively and impartially -- and, depending on its overall substantive, stylistic, logical, allegorical, metaphorical, moral and holistic value, awarded from 1-10 points in units called "Smarts". Each individual was granted several chances to speak, and all "voices" were treated with respect and taken seriously. Little wonder, for the panelists conveyed their thoughts with the most astonishing skill, subtlety, clarity and articulateness. Alternative viewpoints were considered, too, and long pauses followed remarks deemed to be particularly profound or elegant in order to allow the audience time to fully take in, digest and appreciate each rhetorical tidbit.

At the center of it all was Billurd's brain, sitting in a giant beaker of serum and doing a bang-up job in its role as mediator. Wires, blinking electrodes and state-of-the-art sensors - hundreds, if not thousands of sensors - led from Billurd's frontal lobes to a bank of megacomputers along the far wall. Throughout the event, a CNN-style running tickertape screen projected Billurd's brain's thoughts, commentary and questions to the panelists and viewers.

Billurd's brain basked in the glow of the spectacle it had created. Nothing like this had ever been seen on TV before - or anywhere else, for that matter. It was an undeniable triumph of 'edutainment' - proof that television could be at once beneficial to society and enjoyable to watch - and an unprecedented economic success, to boot. The sponsors were ecstatic. Best of all was the enlightening effect it had on the mass audience. Afterwards, even the stupidest fucking viewer was able to make himself understood more effectively.

Date Written: March 20, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 2.7778