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She licked my engorged penis from the base to the tip, a stimulation gambit so obvious it bordered on cliche. Then she dragged her lips back down again, concentrating now on my balls, sucking each into her mouth and rolling them around with her tongue, producing sensations for which I donít care. Her tongue flicked back and forth along my perineum, tickling me unpleasantly. Without asking, she grabbed my shaft and kept it in a tight grip, moving her fist up and down, rudely milking it. I moved her hair out of her face so I could keep a close eye on her, make sure she didnít swallow anything. Her pink tongue pulsed languidly against my turgid, calamata-colored sack, and her guttural mewling (as if the yearning for my seed were more than she could bear) sounded just plain dumb. Blowjobs. Whee.
Date Written: March 22, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 4.69231
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis (5): Perfectly written. And what's more: true, wise.
03/26/2004 mr.coffee (5): Wonderfull! Loved the climaxxxxx.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Couldn't agree more. "Relationships - hey, hey, hey."
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Couldn't agree more. "Relationships - hey, hey, hey."
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Disney, what's going on?
03/26/2004 John Slocum: Why do you keep repeating yourself?
03/26/2004 John Slocum: It's really disconcerting for the rest of us.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow (4): This is written well enough and the idea (or the tone) is pretty funny. But I didn't laugh out load, so altogether I'd give this a three point six repetend, rounded up to four.
03/26/2004 John Slocum (5): Counterintuitive. Very enjoyable.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Technical glitch there, Slocum, I believe. But I would like to reiterate my admiration for this short. One question though: Why would the blowee care if the blower swallowed something?
03/26/2004 mr.coffee: Ewan, loved this line "laugh out load", are you referencing the short? If so, love it.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Can I ask a question, and by this I hope I don't piss off the author as much as I pissed off scoop yesterday. Do you guys giving this short five stars feel that it is essentially perfect, did you laugh out loud more than once while reading it? How do you decide that a short deserves five stars?
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Counterintuitive?? You mean like saving one's seed?
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: mr. coffee: huh? what's your point?
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: I don't have to laugh out loud in order to give a short 5 stars, Ewan. But I did so at least once in this. Though it may have been a chuckle.
03/26/2004 mr.coffee: I gave it 5 stars, first because I did laugh out loud, and second, I could completely relate to the material. The girl mewling is always something I've thought about, and I've wondered in the past, if it wasn't an offspring of hardcore video porn.
03/26/2004 mr.coffee: Ewan just thought you substituted 'load' for 'loud' as a nod to the short. If you didn't, forget I said anything
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Huh, I usually don't even give a four unless I laugh. Five only for what I consider the very best/funniest shorts. Again, no disrespect -- O, potentially angry author -- I thought this short was pretty good. I guess other people just have very different rating systems.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: I laughed more than once, several times at least. Admittedly there's one joke here repeated over and over, but it's tight and compact and never loses it's freshness, like a crisp, aromatic wine.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: can the laughs be inward?
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Yes, get yourself ready to burst out laughing, then at the last minute hold it in to conserve your precious bodily fluids.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: But to answer seriously, no, they can't. Not for a five, in my opinion.
03/26/2004 anonymous: in the case of this particular short, they can be inward. in fact, you don't even have to like this one to give it a 5.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: I didn't laugh out loud at 'Bad Mozart' but laughed uproariously inwardly and thought it was a 5 star short hands down. My soul grew. At the time, I was naked, buttered from head to foot and had replaced all the light bulbs in my flat with black lights.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, that's true. I was going to add an exception to my earlier comment for shorts like many of Brad's, which are not always laugh out loud funny, but nonetheless very interesting for other reasons. I do often give those fives. This short is primarily about being funny, though, right?
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis: I'm with Danko. Few things I read ever make me laugh out loud, including most of the stuff that I really like on this site. I do think this short is very well-written; and it accomplishes a few things at once: a.) makes the (seemingly, at least) counterintuitive joke to which Slocum refers (guy is annoyed by chick giving him porn-style head); b.) amusingly, vividly ("rudely milking it") depicts the overeager blower; and c.) rings true. Blowjobs are overrated, and can be a particular drag if/when the young lady fellator (or Bedouin servant boy) starts knocking things into each other or caterwauling like a Seka wannabe. Got that, gals?
03/26/2004 John Slocum: Yes, but I laughed out loud several times and the joke was well handled. Maybe, had I waited to vote, I would have deducted a star for lack of depth or emotional resonance, but it would have been a 4.3!
03/26/2004 John Slocum: Lewis: I think you're misunderstanding the joke here.
03/26/2004 mr.coffee: Craig, I'm with you, SEKA serviced my dreams more than once.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: There is no such premise involving selecting which type of blow job the character likes. It's a character that doesn't like BJ's period (or periods probably - not like me). Very Matzian - I'd bet my ringpiece this is matza.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: upon re-reading I'm doubting my assertion about matza. But anyway, it's an absurd short: A Guy That Doesn't Like Blow Jobs.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: See, I don't see it is absurd at all. I think a lot of people think blow jobs are overrated. You guys do, I know that The Lerpa does. Maybe this is his.
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I actually might be grading on a scale of one to eight. I'm always so surprised and happy that these word things bring new thoughts and ideas and points of view into my head that I'm more than happy to reward real and effective efforts with five free stars. I'm not a big fan of the laugh out loud rule, even though it's kind of implied by Acme's Charter.
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis: Slocum: I don't think I ever said anything about a "premise involving selecting which type of blow job the character likes." The last two sentences of my comment below are an expression of my own personal opinion, not that of the character in this (The Lerpa's) short.
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis: Amen, Pony. I really don't think it makes sense to try to fix hard-and-fast rules about comedy along these lines (i.e., loud-out-loud versus inward laugh). Much of the funniest writing, from Oscar Wilde to Brad Evans, is more wry-funny than laugh-out-loud funny. Five-starring only those shorts that produce belly laughs seems to me unnecessarily limiting.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Slocum far from being absurd, I think one of the points of the short is to dispel that huge myth that blowjobs are great period. I believe I had this convo with Scoop not two weeks ago and also with you and Lewis even more recently. No?
03/26/2004 John Slocum: Lewis: you wrote "guy is annoyed by chick giving him porn-style head" - it could be quiet, loving head and this character would be annoyed, I think that's the joke in this short. As for blow jobs being over-rated, are you all crazy? There's good wine and bad wine, good shorts and bad short, etc., and good head and bad head. Bad head might be overrated, but a skillfully rendered blow job is irreplaceable. Just ask Spock.
03/26/2004 scoop: Man, I really could go for a blowjob.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: If this short were about fucking, it might go: "['she placed her swollen, wet, pussy lips on the head of my engorged penis and lowered herself from tip to base,] a stimulation gambit so obvious it bordered on cliche." Then would follow a series of variations on this theme. NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS BLOW JOB SHORT!
03/26/2004 John Slocum: The author thinks blow jobs are great and has spun a joke in which a character objects to a woman giving him a blow job.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: The LERPA was created in order to continue with synergy research in the various fields of the full air and tourism of adventure like making benefit the medium from the expertise thus acquired. Its principal sectors of studies are the emergency interventions in isolated areas, the formation continues in tourism of adventure, survival in forest, the traditional activities of full air, the therapeutic adventure, the scientific drive for forwardings, the full air and the old people. The laboratory offers, moreover, of the conferences, the demonstrations and the formations on various subjects.
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony: The Lerpa was created? No, no, the Lerpa just happened.
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis: Sorry Slocum, I was unclear. By "porn-style head" I simply meant to convey the idea that the guy is having what would conventionally be considered a sweet fucking time, man: he's got a horny chick in his bedroom, and she's gobbling much cock. I wasn't trying to make a distinction between different schlong-swallowing techniques.
03/26/2004 mr.coffee: The tongue is important here. The author describes it a pink, yet so often I've encountered tongues layered with a thick mucus. Or even a yeast-like substance oozing on the back part of the tongue. One phenomenon that I have yet to encounter is the hairy tongue(lingua villosa). Although come to think of it, it might not feel too bad, providing of course, that you don't pull back her hair.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: No Pony.
03/26/2004 anonymous: Some of us prefer giving to receiving. When I'm trying to say is, some us prefer playing clit ping-pong to feeding a gal John Thomas-on-a-bun. In other words, Annebot, if you get with me, I'll rock your world, bitch.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Lewis gradisce leccare il pussy.
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh, now, see, how was I supposed to know you were talking about that LERPA?
03/26/2004 Craig Lewis: Slocum, didn't you find the '98 Gradisce Leccare too tanic?
03/26/2004 anonymous: SLocum: thank you. that is precisely how this short was intended. i enjoy blow jobs. the point of the short was to make fun of someone who for some reason doesn't enjoy what i tried to describe as a very nice-sounding blowjob. at the same time, i realize that in the collective male mind, they are somewhat overrated. yes. i am having it both ways.
03/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I'm really surprised at all of this. I thought the joke was that it was utterly ridiculous that the receiver would be reacting this way to the blowjob. That despite all of the cliche maneuvers, the act itself is generally nearly impossible to resist/succumb to. I think I just learned something.
03/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: oops. I really did write that before reading the author comment. Beaten to the punch again.
03/26/2004 anonymous: thank you jimson. thank you.
03/26/2004 anonymous (4): I hate to say this, but I was troubled by the spelling mistakes. Was said author typing with one hand? If so, I can excuse it.
Can sacks be turgid?
03/26/2004 anonymous: anon_b, are you criticizing my not spelling it sac? and are you a girl? BECAUSE I ASSURE YOU: SACS CAN BE TURGID!!
03/26/2004 John Slocum: Jizzsome: I beat you to the punch, gott-damn it!
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Author, what was Ewan refering to when he said you thought blowjobs were overrated?
03/26/2004 anonymous: well, this one time, ewan and i were huffing turpentine out in the tool shed...
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: So he's just mistaken or what?
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: He's always complaining about blow jobs, vaginas, hot fudge sundaes, you name it.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: ...peaches, cannolis, ice in whiskey...
03/26/2004 qualcomm: i have complained about blowjobs in the past, but i've warmed to them. never complained about hot fudge sundaes, or vaginas qua vaginas. peaches, sure, they have to be good. ice in whiskey: for assholes. cannolis: ask anyone who knows what they're talking about.
03/26/2004 Jon Matza (4): Very good, though I thought "Blowjobs. Whee." could have been improved on. "Rudely milking it" and "without asking" were indispensable, though. Also, congrats to all the commentators for the countless blowjobs you've received & your willingness to make public your aficianado status.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: ha!
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Not to mention us all blowing ourselves right here in the comments sections.
03/26/2004 John Slocum: That does it. I'm starting my own site called 'acmewineshorts.com.' Who's with me?
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Sour grapes, Matza. That's what my balls taste like.
03/26/2004 Jon Matza: You've outdone yourself with that comment, Danko.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: I'm just sayin', that's what they taste like. Geesh!
03/26/2004 Moe-Ron: Gross, Danko!
03/26/2004 anonymous: dylan's yarbles are pickled sour, and he likes you to fill your mouth with grapeseed oil before suckling them.
03/26/2004 Dylan Danko: Hmm...now there's a thought.
03/26/2004 Moe-Ron: don't think about moe-ron's mouth like that.
03/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I'd just like to warn Ewan, that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, as he's always pointing out to me.
03/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: And, in my day, when a chick blew ya, you knew you were blown. And you stayed blown, gaddammit.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: What about a gooey consistency? What's that the hobgoblin of?
03/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Ew: Your asshole.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: mulp.
03/26/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Fantastico!
03/26/2004 John Slocum: you stumbled into a famous Dick Tidrow lyric, which I was originally referencing (for the throngs of Tidrow fans who have memorized ALL the lyrics) "I have a rectum that's loose and gooey, if it were a piece of gum, it'd be soft and chewy." (from 'The Enema Song') Congratulations Jimson.
03/27/2004 anonymous: hey calamata got edited, why not "bare".
Or is that a double meaning kind of thing...
03/28/2004 qualcomm: well anon_b (jimson), calamata was a flat out typo, and bare was more of a careless mistake, so i left it. but when are you going to apologize for suggesting that sacks can't be turgid?
03/29/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Wrong, Mr. The Lerpa. Anon_b is not me. So F you. I know all about turgid sacks. I'll take my apology now.
03/29/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
03/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Nor is it me despite what that fuck Pony thinks.
03/29/2004 qualcomm: i apologize.
03/29/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: yay!
04/30/2004 Not Lisa (5): Just brilliant.
06/11/2004 Dick Vomit (5): Affirm/laud
02/2/2007 Master Bates (5):
07/31/2013 Dylan Danko: