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The Fabulous Tale of Matza: He Can Only Say ‘You Cunt’

Matza tried unsuccessfully to bend his right index finger. “You Cunt,” he said to the useless, swollen lump of a knuckle. He looked at Birdy, his cat, licked his chops like a hungry animal and jumped from his fourth floor window. He fell like a rock and landed gently on all fours as a skateboarding youth rode by. “You Cunt!” he shouted at the youngster with little effect. Matza took 3 swift strides and backhanded him off his board. He gave him a quick power-kick to the gullet and trotted to the tobacconist on the corner. “You Cunt!” he yelled at the clerk, when what he really wanted to say was, ‘I’ll take a Kodiak, I need to pinch that Grizzly.’ “Get the fuck outta here,” yelled back the Bangali, scared and insecure so far from home. “You Cunt,” said Matza triumphantly and walked out, elbows bent, chest thrust forward, chin held high. He went home to celebrate with a 1994 Rioja Gran Reserva. “You Cunt,” he said to the bottle as he uncorked it and poured himself a taste to make sure it was sound.

Date Written: March 26, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.5

03/31/2004 Will Disney (4): an inspired title.
03/31/2004 Jon Matza: I can't vote on this because I'll be accused of bias, but I will say that it seems somehow truer, more profound, more immediate and more important than any other short to date.
03/31/2004 Craig Lewis (4):
03/31/2004 John Slocum: Matza: anyone accuses you of anything, give 'em a power kick to the gullet
03/31/2004 qualcomm (5):
03/31/2004 mr.coffee (5): I feel you.
05/20/2004 TheBuyer (4): what a cunt
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony (5): There's something lyrical about this; something pretty.
07/30/2004 Jon Matza: Small wonder. Though I felt honored by this short the fact is the protagonist's behavior is more Sausegean than Matzonian.
07/30/2004 qualcomm: while the use of "cunt" is sausagian, the descriptions of body movement were all matza
07/30/2004 John Slocum: Thanks, 'Ol. Matza, vote on this one cronyistically.
06/6/2005 The Rid: Ah, Matza. This guest is a fan.