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"No, no, no!" Terry protested vigorously, "That is where he breathes!" But it was hopeless. The events began to unfold just as Terry feared. Flappy, the alien who Terry had alternately hidden in his pulldown bed during the day and his games closet at night, began to cry.
"Why can't you accept him for who he is!" Terry shouted to his friends. But it was too late.
Tears streamed down Flappy's alien face. He began to heave and sigh. "Hold it together," Terry privately prayed, but Flappy's breathing grew heavier. Several staccato farts rang out in the frigid winter air like oil drums barreling down the street. Flappy could not control the swelling of shame which burned in his alien soul. Like a cursed flatulent beauty pageant runner-up, the more he cried, the more he breathed, and the more he breathed, the more he farted. Flappy could not help who he was. Flappy could not help how he breathed. If only they could understand that. But they never would. They never would. Fucking human cunts.
Date Written: March 31, 2004
Author: Noah Simple
Average Vote: 4.5
Comments:
04/2/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I would have given it 5, but it almost made me cry.
04/2/2004 Jon Matza: Flappy must've given him a wicked Dutch oven in the pulldown bed!
04/2/2004 Cabot (4): As I read it, it's a little ambiguous as to whether the initial stacatto comes from Flappy or Terry. I think Terry needs to hold it together.
04/2/2004 Mr. Pony (5): that did make me cry. damn you, simple.
04/2/2004 Cabot: The oil drums simile is poignant.
04/2/2004 qualcomm (4): shouldn't flappy's tears be streaming down his alien ass, rather than his alien face?
04/2/2004 Mr. Pony: Depends on where he's from.
04/2/2004 John Slocum (4): Excellent, but would flappy actually have said 'fucking human cunts'?
04/2/2004 Cabot: Yeah - who is Flappy hanging out with?
04/2/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Very good point, Matza. The dutch oven was probably inevitable.
04/2/2004 anonymous: Well, mark me as one who doesn't like the fucking human cunts line. But what can you do. That's who we are.
And The Lerpa shouldn't be so presumptuous as to assume where Flappy's eyes are. This is sort of how his whole predicament started.
04/2/2004 Dolemite (5): This brings back wonderful memories of Meatballs Part 2.
04/4/2004 anonymous: Dutch Oven:
1.
2.
04/5/2004 Will Disney (5):
04/5/2004 Maxwell Demon (4): I’M HORNY!
04/5/2004 scoop (5): Yeah Simple, again, excellent stuff.
07/27/2004 TheBuyer (5): I laugh every time I read this