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Character: Why did you make me?

Author: To make them laugh.

Character: Who?

Author: The readers, the customers, out there.

Character: Why?

Author: To deliver on a quality product. To feed my ego. Recognition. Lots of reasons, I guess.

Character: Oh. Hi everyone out there!

Author: Stop that.

Character: Sorry.


Character: Sir…

Author: Yes?

Character: I am lonely.

Author: Get in line. What do you want me to do about it?

Character: Could you conjure a friend for me? Someone to provide me with companionship. It’s so lonely here.

Author: What kind of friend?

Character: Oh, I don’t know…perhaps a lady friend if you know what I mean?

Author: No. I don’t. Describe her.

Character: Well, she would have long, shapely legs…

Author: Yeah.

Character: And big, perky, perfectly shaped breasts, but not too big…

Author: Uh-huh.

Character: And unblemished, golden skin tanned to perfection…

Author: Go on.

Character: And a deliciously soft but sculpted heart-shaped ass, hairless and all that…

Author: Ungghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Character: Hey! What are you doing? Hey stop that. Stop!

Author: No, no. Don’t stop! So close! Unghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Character: Send me back! Oh sweet oblivion. Please, send me back!


Author: What was that all about, huh? That was disgraceful.

Guy Actually Writing This: I don’t know, I thought it was kind of funny. You know, it starts off with this whole meta-thing, with the author and his own creation breaching barriers and talking to one another.

Author: Right. But I mean masturbation? Forget my dignity for a second, that’s pretty lame.

Guy Actually Writing This: Well I thought that would be an ironically predictable way to handle an unusual situation. I was trying to explore…

Author: Wait a second. You’re no more an “Author” than I was.

Guy Actually Writing This: Of course I am. Look for yourself. I am the guy actually writing this.

Author: No, I hate to tell you this but you’re not real either.

Guy Actually Writing This: That’s crazy…

Author: You’re just another character, like me.

Guy Actually Writing This: What do you mean? What’s going on here? Hello? Hello?

Date Written: April 02, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.7778

04/6/2004 anonymous: Yes! A new short to pick on!
04/6/2004 Benny Maniacs: I would say this is Pony doing po-mo all the way.
04/6/2004 qualcomm (4): epilogue sure redeems this one. the loneliness. christ, the loneliness.
04/6/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I think this is funny, but was a better idea than it was funny.
3.5 and a .5 for the epilogue.
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I concur. Good on idea. Not on chocolate.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Stop accusing me of writing stuff so far beyond my skill-set, Maniacs! It's humiliating!
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Pony I've seen you give multiple amounts of stars...from time to time...Everyone knows you have special powers. Visual powers. Appearing two places at once, eight stars. You could have written this. It's within your range.
04/6/2004 Benny Maniacs: C'mon Pony ~ "Oh sweet oblivion?" Who else would write that? Also, those jerking off noises are pure you, I mean, I would think they are one's you would make.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: Yes, yes. Talk about my powers! Validate me! Seriously, though. Had one typing story in me, and it's done. This thing's good. Takes that "Russian Doll Nature of Reality" cliché and makes it fun. Also informed by several running gags present on this site. Also, the Author character really starts to get off at the word "hairless". Ha!
04/6/2004 catfish (3): i agree with benny, nice idea, poor execution. a little spoon fed at the end...
04/6/2004 scoop: Hey Everyone look! It's catfish! Everyone say hi to catfish!Hi catfish! How are you?
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: HI CATFISH!
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Pony I re-read this and it doesn't get funnier. No, I'm beginning to agree with Catfish about the three stars, but I still think its within your range.
04/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Sorry. I guess its "catfish"
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: I appreciate that. I didn't write it, though. Someone else did.
04/6/2004 catfish: doing very well scoop. thanks. don't you have some very revelatory truths to unearth?
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: scoop, are you using another identity?
04/6/2004 scoop: No Mr. Pony, I just going out of my way to make a new comer feel wlecome is all and I get treated with some macho posturing in return. But that's ok. We can not forget that at the end of the day its about the customer, the catfishes out there and all the other guppies swimming out in the deep blue sea.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: scoop, why are you always yelling at me?
04/6/2004 scoop: because I fucking hate you, that's why.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: I was just wondering why you were stalking this new catfish fellow. Doesn't seem like you to be, you know, a stalker. Anyway, catfish, welcome. Don't let scoop's vicious and degenerate behavior keep you from enjoying and participating in what is otherwise a swell site populated with nice people.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: :)
04/6/2004 catfish: yeah scup, why are you always yelling at people, do you hate me too?
04/6/2004 mr.coffee: I concur Mr.Pony
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: I like the idea of calling him "scup" from now on! It makes him less threatening, somehow!
04/6/2004 mr.coffee: how about just simple old "cup"
04/6/2004 catfish: i was going to thank you pony, but the gratuituous emoticon was puzzling???
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: It means I'm smiling with good will!! Also, I'm gratuitous!! Seriously, I was smiling. With good will. Welcome, Catfish. Hrm. You can't undo emoticons, apparently.
04/7/2004 Jon Matza (4): The guy who wrote it seems mean. The author was nice. He should not have picked on him.
04/7/2004 scoop: I am, of course the real author of this short. I hope you enjoyed this little morality tale about the nature of such and such and so and so. The most important thing is you, oh valued reader. Customer satisfaction is A-No.1 in my book, wouldn't you agree?
04/7/2004 anonymous: Sure, whatever you say "scoop". Ha-Ha. Hi, my name is Daryl and I am the real real author of this short. I am the voice of the character you all know as scoop. I put the words that you read on this super site in to his mouth via the use of colons. If he has ever offended, annoyed, dissapointed or let go with a couple of stinkers I apologize. I am just trying to draw the roundest, deepest, flawed and believable character I can. I admit there's room for work, but hey, I'm trying. If you have any suggestions please feel free. Well, it was pleasure finally meeting you all, and have a great day!
04/7/2004 Mr. Pony: etc?
04/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Anon_user_b, you put what into his mouth via your colon?
04/7/2004 Dylan Danko (3): Didn't like
04/7/2004 scoop: Snow: Unstable truths, calcified vestiges of meaning, wanting and cumbersome signifiers -- words, dude. words. and poop.
04/7/2004 scoop: Dear Dylan Danko: I am very sorry you did not like this short. I promise next time to write something you do like. Love, scoop. p.s. -- Seriously. I promise. Cross my heart.
04/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Sorry Scoop, I didn't realize you wrote it. Wasn't paying attention. Had I known, I would have given you my customary 4 or 5 star vote. I am, however, very proud of the courage you demonstrated in talking about your feelings below. Remind me to give you a hug the next time I see you, sport.
04/7/2004 scoop (5): Wow! This one's great don't you think mr. coffee?
04/7/2004 mr.coffee (3): Scup, you crazy? Should've ended it at the Epilogue. Although Skip might get more pleasure out this.
04/7/2004 scoop: That's it, mr. coffee, your going on to my list where you will be given special consideration.
04/7/2004 mr.coffee: yeah? What you gonna do...rub me out?
04/7/2004 scoop: More like rub one out in your foie gras and your bull shit sound system. Yeah, that's right more like "rub one out". Rub. Zut Alors, Bitch.
04/7/2004 mr.coffee: my foie gras looks better than the picture on your bullshit new tv.
04/7/2004 scoop: Zut Alors, le beech!
04/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Snap! Coffee wins.
08/28/2004 Pix (4):
09/10/2004 Dick Vomit: This is splendid because Guy Actually Writing This is also masturbating in his special way.
09/10/2004 scoop: PWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA....