home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
AcmeShorts
Andy Anderson knew that with great power comes great responsibility. It was the last thing his father, Burnham, told him before he was killed in front his very own eyes along with his mother Carroll and his little sister Peanut. And his dog Truant, his cat Peaches, his cousins on his mother’s side, Todd, Bruce and Gary, his nieces on his father’s side, Shanell and Pursia, his uncle Caruthers, his grandfather Pop-Pop, both his grandmothers June and Mirna, and even his Godfather Bob.
But ever since the accident with the atomic rod he had to put all that out of his mind, all the anger, the rage, the pain. He still had his Aunt Mable. Good old Aunt Mable, they hadn’t taken her away from him. Sure didn’t. Didn’t kill her, the slobbering, crusty, half-demented old cunt.
But no, no, great responsibility, great power and all that. He loved his Aunt, even though she nagged him. Incessantly -- nag, nag, nag. I mean, what the hell else does the bitch want! He’s getting good grades. He’s showing great restraint with all these newfound superpowers. He’s a teenager for Christ’s sake. He even helps the fucking twat with her goddamned jigsaw puzzles.
But he loved his Aunt Mable, and if anything happened to her, he wouldn’t know what he would do. If anything would happen to her, say, laser beams severed her spinal chord and baked her stinking organs inside her sagging old body; maybe a flukishly precise earthquake leveled the dusty old shitbag of a house crushing her in her godamned Serta Perfect Sleeper. Or maybe if one the city’s arch-villains kidnapped her and everyone’s favorite new superhero failed to come to the rescue. That would be terrible.
“Annnnnnndddddyyyyy,” the old bat crowed from downstairs. “Can you come and rub Aunties bunions? Matlock’s almost on.”
Real terrible.
“Coming Auntie,” Andy, a.k.a the Atomic Avenger, sang back with atomic delight. "Coming."
He knew what he had to do.
Date Written: April 05, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.25
Comments:
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: Very problematical...
04/12/2004 Will Disney: i guess this one can be said to be fairly accurate
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh, she's old and she watches Matlock. Wow! ...ho hum.
04/12/2004 John Slocum (4): Very enjoyable. Could have been shorter, but nonetheless, funny things abound, such as the list of pets/family members who died and their names, 'slobbering, crusty, half-demented old cunt' and our superhero's moniker.
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Slocum, perhaps you didn't read the comments below. Please revise your opinion accordingly.
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: I agree with Slocum that the enumeration of the dead in the first 'graph is funny. It's the rest of the short I found problematical. As Danko pointed out, the Matlock joke is old; actually it’s a specific running joke on The Simpsons. "Great power/responsibility" has been used before, both on this site and elsewhere. I also found the tense switching distracting: “Andy Anderson knew ... comes great responsibility.” And there were other lapses in the writing, such as when Andy’s father dies “right in front of his very own eyes.” Who’s eyes? His father’s? “Can you come and rub Aunties bunions?” equals “Will you loofah my stretch marks?” from Caddyshack. All in all, after the first paragraph, there is only one surprise: that our hero doesn’t like his aunt. So the story sort of fizzles from there...
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: Sorry, that link is screwed up. Used before
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko (3): Fair enough. First graf is alright.
04/12/2004 Jon Matza: Shameless rip-off of "listen to your Auntie Mabel, get your elbows off the table."
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: The phrase comes from the Spider-Man myth found in many cultures, which this short is a very direct parody of. Is that really tense shift in the first sentence? I mean, if the phrase is always true? Anyway, I've actually seen this parody done before, but I doubt the author is ripping anybody off. The whole thing feels a little easy. Super-hero clichés (the word 'atomic', old people clichés (see below). I thought the "baked her stinking organs" paragraph much more original and interesting than the "long list of people & pets who died" paragraph. Really didn't like the last line, but I see what the author was getting at.
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: Excellent point, Matza. Pony, I'm well aware of the rich Spiderman tradition and that the great power/responsibility phrase comes from that tradition, as does the fact that he's a teenager and lives with his aunt Mable (May). I'm not saying that this is a rip-off, just that the jokes aren't fresh. Here at Acme we only use the freshest ingredients, just like at The Olive Garden.
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, I figured you got the Spider-Man reference. I pointed it out for anyone who didn't catch it. I certainly meant no disrespect! Also, there's a guy named Andy Anderson who keeps running for Governor in my home state! I wonder if there's more to this short than meets the eye!
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: It's too late, Pony. This insult to my limited knowledge of Spiderman will not go un-avenged!
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: I meant "Spider-Man"
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: That's "Spider-Man". It's hyphenated. FYI.
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Ah!
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: Too late again, smart guy!
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: No, no, I'm glad you corrected it! Good job.
04/12/2004 Ewan Snow: Thanks!
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Anytime, dude!
04/12/2004 Lola (3): confusing tense changes and stilted material, but still an entertaining read on some level. would definitely nix the last line.
04/12/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: when was the last time Matlock was on?
Has anyone here ever sat through an entire episode of Matlock?
04/13/2004 Ewan Snow: Well, how about that, it turns out that scoop was ripping off scoop...
04/13/2004 scoop: Ooops.
04/14/2004 mr.coffee (3): yeah I got tired just reading the endless list of aunts and uncles etc. That joke wore thin, and made me not enjoy the rest of the short. I'm being generous giving 3 stars. Fucking hack Scoop.