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Wendell Buttress backed up 3 steps and prepared to take the corner kick. Things hadn’t gone his way that day at Anbury Park. He’d been given the nod only a day before, after Liam Cranstonham had fucked his hamstring during training. At last, the opportunity he’d been waiting for!

But only 12 minutes into this Birmingham Darby, Wendell had scored an own-goal, had been dispossessed thrice by Stokleberry-on-Scunt’s awkward stopper, Walter Cunniwit (‘Round old Cunniwit, he’s a big, fat git’), had been denied by the goalpost with the goal wide open and empty, (the goaltender had ripped a divot in an attempt at clearance) and had taken so long to deliver a cross that the commentator, upon the referee’s whistle for offside, had quipped ‘Oooooh! And we have a stray quintet on our hands, and no wonder, it looked as though Buttress caught his boot in his panty-liner.’ It seemed as though Wendell was single-handedly trying to ruin the contest for Barnby-on-Barneby. He felt queasy.

Was it his imagination, or had Derrywindhamson gotten George Hamstonwicker off the bench to warm up right after his bungled cross? They were only 3 points clear of the relegation zone in the English 3rd division and couldn’t afford a misstep at this point in the season, true, but to be replaced by Hamstonwicker (‘He got drunk and fucked the Vicar’) was an insufferable indignity. He had to turn his performance around dramatically.

Wendell saw their sweeper, big Shearston Pigsleywank (‘Tall as a tree, strong as a tank’), had moved forward for the corner and, determined to pick his big, meaty head out, started his run-up to the ball. As he swung to strike he caught his toe in the grass and piddled a slow roller to Cunniwit who promptly sent the ball forward to their striker, Ruud Ruudklijn (on loan from Antwerp). Ruudklijn beat the hapless Barnby defender and neatly tucked the ball into the back of the net for 2-nil.

After the substitution, Wendell slunk off to the club house and, alone, wept as he removed his panty-liner.

Date Written: April 05, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4

Comments:
04/12/2004 Will Disney (4): some pretty good names. i was looking for a danko cameo.
04/12/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): This harkens back to a day at shops on Grindhall & Cherribs off of the Burnswickshire stop. I'm chuffed to revisit the memory.
04/12/2004 Jon Matza (4): Fucking choke artist.
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Relatively well-trod territory but laughed nonetheless. Especially enjoyed the rhyming name chants and Derrywindhamson/Sherringham thingy.
Though it's pronounced Darby it is spelled Derby.
04/12/2004 John Slocum: Stop emotionally blackmailing me, Danko
04/12/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Goddammit, not another wine short!
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Not until you sign up for the group trip, Slocum.
04/12/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Slocum: it should be "Birmingham Derby." See, the Brits pronounce the word Darby, but spell it D-E-R-B-Y. In other words, I know a lot more than you about everything, and your short sucks.
04/12/2004 Craig Lewis: Note to The Lerpa: a "Derby" occurs when two clubs from the same city compete in a "match." You may want to join us at The Red Lion in a couple of weeks time for the Arsenal-Tottenham North London Derby.
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Lewis, see my first comment, douche.
04/12/2004 Craig Lewis: I don't think I like being called douche by the sixth-ranked Guest Author.
04/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Now Lewis, don't make me whip out your vagina short.