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Jack, a real A1-fucking successful SOB, shook his slender, carbless hips, opened and closed his smooth, sweatless hands on the grip of his titanium Callaway ERC Fusion Driver, rotated his torso and swung.
“Hell of a swing, Jack, hell of a swing,” another guy named Jack, an ass hole, replied running his Titeleist Perma-Flex gloved fingers through his time-sensitive hair.
“I’ll tell you, there’s nothing like getting out and just taking a couple of swings. You know? I mean it can be so rejuvenating,” the first Jack said as he reared back his club and followed through. “The fresh air. Time away from the office. We need this.”
“You’re preaching to the choir, baby,” the other Jack said, measuring his approach with a couple half-swings, before letting her rip. “I mean it’s the only place I really feel alive. I really feel focused. The only place I really feel.”
“Yeah, we talk like this in the office, man, its like we’re lepers. Like we’re weaklings,” the first Jack said incredulously.
“Like it’s a crime to talk about our…” the second Jack began.
“Feelings,” the first Jack said, finishing the thought.
“Yeah, feelings,” the second Jack said.
The word hung in the brisk morning air as the two Jacks stared at each other for what some may consider an “uncomfortably long” period of time. They ended the awkward but authentic moment by abandoning any pretense toward etiquette. They lifted their golf clubs over their heads with little regard for proper form and in a frenzy began whacking on the crumpled body that lay prostrate on the wet grass.
Each swing that found purchase on the moaning body produced a legitimate feeling. A wonderful, beautiful feeling.
Date Written: April 11, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 4.59091
04/14/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Whew, for a second there I was scared. Good thing about that reveal in the end.
04/14/2004 Jon Matza (5): Chortled with great delight and love up through "...period of time." Surprise ending unnecessary, perhaps...Is this Lerpa or Scoop?
04/14/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Ha!
04/14/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Scoop, I believe, due to "found purchase." Could be The L. though.
04/14/2004 Craig Lewis (3): This is very well written, but the target is far too easy. Dickhead businessmen...both named Jack...with "time-sensitive hair"(?)...golfing, no less? (Do they drive SUV's too? Fuck their secretaries?) Hate to be a curmudgeon, but I think this hackneyed scenario is unworthy of Scoop's tip-top prose. One more thing: Ferucio, must you use the word "reveal" in this fashion?
04/14/2004 catfish (5): so well done, the alleviation of malaise being murder instead of golf.... brilliant.
04/14/2004 qualcomm (5): come on, lewis, time-sensitive hair rocks.
04/14/2004 Jon Matza: Hey Lewis, how about writing some new shorts instead of low-balling everyone else's?
04/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Danko warmed to time sensitive hair for obvious reasons.
04/14/2004 Craig Lewis: Hey Matza, I've got one in the pending queue, buddy! In the meantime, I count 13 out of 18 published Craig Lewis shorts on which Matza failed to cast a vote, low-ball or otherwise -- including "Vagina"!
04/14/2004 Jon Matza: I acknowledge that to be true, though am unsure why it's phrased as a triumphant rebuttal...
04/14/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Scooperific
04/15/2004 Craig Lewis: Ok, ok. All snippiness aside, I really wasn't here and haven't elsewhere been consciously low-balling anyone. I guess I don't exactly understand the point of your orignal comment, brother.
04/15/2004 Jon Matza: All right, brother, on further reflection 'lowballing' isn't accurate. Here's my point: the Matzo has noticed the Lewisian voice, whether low or highballing, prone to making value judgements and arguable points in an alienatingly authoritative tone of late--e.g., proclamations about what's the funniest short since x, what's a cliche, what's too easy, what's perfection, gem, brilliant, etc. This has come across to the Matzo-man as a bit heavyhanded and/or facile at times. Matzo prefers/finds it more pleasant to agree or disagree with opinions stated as opinions than opinions stated as fact, however articulate, persuasive, entertaining or right, even, the opinion-crafter may be. The Matzo-man has even wondered at moments whether such commentary was driven a) by the gay, giving spirit of the Acme-munity or b) to paraphrase Lewis, the desire to assert supremacy of taste. The 'Za realizes there's no law against such a rhetorical style of course, no more than there's a law against Matza having a good time or objecting and/or stating that he finds such a style mildly offputting/hard to digest at times, esp from an artist-healer whose work hasn't been up for scrutiny much lately. However, the Matzo-Mad Dog could be wrong and is open to being corrected on these matters.
04/15/2004 Ewan Snow: The 'Za is not wrong. This is the smugness I was talking about. I find this tendency annoying by itself, but unbearable in combination with Lewis' weak sense of humor. Time-sensitive hair is funny. Lewis just doesn't get it, as usual. Incidentally, The 'Za is also not wrong, I believe, when he said that the short would be better without the surprise ending. I think I'd like it better if it were just what it appeared to be.
04/15/2004 Craig Lewis: I don't think you're involved in this one, Snow. Matzoh: I take your point and will attempt to ammend my voting voice accordingly. Please know that, despite the unfortunate hauteur of tone, I never meant for my opinions to be interpreted as anything but that -- my opinions; I suppose I could have added an "in my opinion" to my comments, but I assumed that this was implied. In any case, I can see how the archness would be annoying and alienating, and will endeavor to ditch the sub-David Niven persona voice. That said, I'm not entirely sure that I've been demonstrably more guilty of smugness than any of a number of other individuals (and collectives) on the site. Indeed, you yourself -- The Matza-Dawg -- have been known at times to affect an above-it-all persona, as in "are a lot of 'vivid' personalities commenting on this short" and "congrats to all the commentators for the countless blowjobs you've received & your willingness to make public your aficianado status." Your words can wound, too!
04/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Fuck you.
04/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):
04/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I laughed out loud at "time-sensitive hair" among other things in this piece. I don't think the surprise ending was necessary, but I was surprised by it--maybe I shouldn't have been?--and it didn't really bother me.
04/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Oh, and yeah, Fuck you, Lewis, too. But that's just my opinion.
04/15/2004 qualcomm: oh come on, disney. a few fuck you's get thrown around and this is the latest controversy?
04/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, what the hell? You feeling pressure from FPC?
04/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Or maybe disney finds it controversial to not say "F U".
04/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Well, F him, the whore.
04/15/2004 Cabot: Oh boy. A Battle of the Egos! What else is new?! Who is the more self-righteous...Who is the more arrogant...Who will win?
04/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Cabot's comment brings up something I meant to post yesterday. If this is indeed Texxx I think there should be some punishment for deleting his shorts. I was never one of the worst of the Texxx despisers but I'm not even sure he should be allowed back under ANY name. Retribution must be sought. I don't mean to put Disney in an uncomfortable position but let's please get rid of this guy once and for all. (To the extent we can)
04/15/2004 Dylan Danko: And Jimson, Lewis should thank you for making his point for him.
04/15/2004 Ewan Snow: He should thank you for endlessly kissing his ass.
04/15/2004 mr.coffee (5): Thank god! The ol' Scoop is back. Good job buddy, I thoroughly enjoyed this one!
04/15/2004 scoop: I can't help but chime in briefly here. Cabot: Why malign someone else's argument? How does it concern you? Is there some real truth you're trying to get at by asking those questions? Is there some egoless argument your easy-lstening ethos can get on board with, I wonder? I could see if you had something to say in the context of their argument or the short, but appropos of nothing. Wow. I sure am surprised Lewis and Snow showed such uncalled for restraint in not giving you the old what-for.
04/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Danko: Indeed. I'm waiting....
04/15/2004 Will Disney: F me? F YOU!
04/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Ewan, was that a joke or a personal attack? Sorry, but I'm not sure how to take it.
04/16/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Wheeee! I'm French!
04/2/2006 Dick Vomit (4.5): I'm down.
04/4/2006 qualcomm: ewan? aren't you going to answer danko? it's been almost two years.
12/20/2009 qualcomm: ewan?