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Raccoon Diet

Fuck Atkins, try this.

The Raccoon Diet.
Personal Weight POWER with a Raccoon You'll be astonished at the simple effectiveness of this POWERFUL DIET program diguised as a mutilated mammal!
It's the ONLY weight loss system you'll EVER NEED!

1. Removed the pre-reared, fully grown raccoon from it's Enviro-Wrap and place in the RaccaCoon Grippa C-Clamp [not included]

2. Using a pair of ordinary, household interlocking slip-joint pliers with a 35 mm span over a 6:8 ratio, or a 25oz Estwing Framing [not an 11 inch Bandsaw] remove the claws from all four feet of the raccoon.

3. Remove the teeth of the raccoon with a hammer, or similar device used for bonking.

4. If you have purchased the Super pre-Mangled-De-Luxe-Raccoon POWER Diet, ignore the preceeding two steps and go directly to Step 5.

5. See Step 6.

6. Holding the Raccoon Diet Applicator [big paper tube] carefully release the raccoon from the RaccaCoon Grippa C-Clamp.

7. Insert the raccoon into the Raccoon Diet Applicator [big paper tube in your mouth] until only one inch of tail [not including hair] is visible, then remove applicator [take the tube out of your mouth]

8. DO NOT INSERT RACCOON INTO MOUTH TAIL FIRST. The raccoon's bowels or bladder may not have been adequately voided by pain and fear.

9. Watch the POWER of the RACCOON DIET take hold as the pounds melt away like -=MAGIC=-!

Go ahead and try to gain weight with a fully grown male raccoon lodged halfway down your throat...YOU CAN'T!

Date Written: April 15, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 3.4286

04/20/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I think this needs either audio, or visual aids. The TALL words are very effective. I don't think it needs to be said that the diet may kill you. That may be better off inferred.
04/20/2004 John Slocum (3): The dying embers of the Cabot? Sorry if it's not.
04/20/2004 John Slocum: okay idea, not so well executed, could have achieved similar effect in 50 words.
04/20/2004 qualcomm (2): deh.
04/20/2004 anonymous: Not cabot, if that helps any. New guy. I've been reluctant to post any comments on anything even though I've been reading shorts on this site for a week or two; would rather have something posted first. Now I have.
04/20/2004 Dylan Danko (4): A little too long perhaps but not so bad. I'm feeling generous.
04/20/2004 Tiddlycove (5): I have personally lost several hundred pounds using this diet, and feel perfectly healthy and fat free. This short even contains reference to the obligatory bowel movement.
04/20/2004 scoop (3): A good effort, almost a 4, but the second to last sentence scuttled it.
04/20/2004 Maxwell Demon (3):
05/24/2004 TheBuyer (5): I like to toot my own horn sometimes. toot.
02/8/2005 Sergio: good thing you haven't tooted this again.