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A large Conch shell passed me by, followed by a halogen desk lamp. But the Japanese rock, one that Mary, my babysitter, had been using as a paperweight for her homework, struck its intended target – my left collar-bone. Offended, I decided to dig in behind the couch and stand my ground. I was well protected, and at the same time had a clear view of any incoming projectiles.

Seeing my advantage, Mary decided to increase her offensive putsch – she grabbed a chair from the kitchen, and before I knew it, she had flanked me via the couch. Perhaps I wasn’t as well fortified as I had thought: she swung, she struck – I buckled. I suffered rib damage as well as a painless but messy laceration to the head. Now was the time to unleash my secret weapon!

I drove the letter-opener home into her sternum, and watched as she began trying to contain the gushing vermilion – an obvious sign of tactical desperation. Mary then retreated into the foyer and vainly attempted to rethink her strategy, but the loss of oxygen to her head made this act unproductive at best. Her defenses were down, she had no control over the situation; she had obviously been defeated. Victory, and all her glory, was mine.

Date Written: April 18, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4.1111

04/23/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): It didn't make me laugh, but I feel that rush again. I have to go wash my hands...
04/23/2004 Will Disney: yeah, i thought that things here would turn out sexy with the babysitter and all. but it ended up kind of creepy. although i can see why the narrator would be offended in paragraph 1.
04/23/2004 Pfineous (4): I like the twist here. It's not necessarily funny, but a little funny and a good story. I want to know why they were fighting.
04/23/2004 qualcomm (4):
04/23/2004 Dylan Danko (4):
04/23/2004 TheBuyer (4):
04/23/2004 anonymous: What's this no comment bullshit? Think I 'write' for an audience of stoney faced mutes like you? Speak up! Put the coffee down. Put your cock down.
04/23/2004 qualcomm: who cares
04/23/2004 Mr. Pony: This short is frickin' exciting!! I love that the babysitter was actually aiming for the kid's left collar bone. Five stars!!
04/23/2004 anonymous: Thanks Pony.
04/23/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Ha ha
04/23/2004 anonymous: Ahh. My highest score yet by two-fold. Danko's fucked.
04/23/2004 qualcomm: hold on a second! when the narrator says "all her glory" is his at the end, doesn't that mean he's going to finger her dead body?
04/23/2004 anonymous: No. Victory is his sister.
04/23/2004 qualcomm: so whom is he fingering, then?
04/23/2004 anonymous: His dead mother. That's who the babysitter was trying to protect.
04/23/2004 mr.coffee (3): never put the coffee down my friend. Now let mr.coffee throw down...turgid at best, but well writen.
04/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: Mr. Coffee just fucked my high score. Come on, Coffee, what gives? Are you going to contribute a short or is your skill mainly in checking your thesaurus for negative review words.
04/23/2004 mr.coffee: dude I already submitted a short to rave reviews
04/23/2004 mr.coffee: and furthermore, no offense but I call it like I read it.
04/25/2004 senator (5): When the letter opener was driven into her sternum I laughed out loud. Great short.
04/26/2004 Benny Maniacs: Apologies, Coffee. Except for the comment about your mom's ugly face. I mean that sincerely.
04/26/2004 scoop (4): "unproductive at best"
06/3/2004 TheBuyer: This is still my favorite B.M offering.