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I was thinking about the last time I crapped my pants. It was about 1992 or 93 and I crapped my pants doing 130 km/h on the freeway in the backseat. My dad was driving, I was in the back with my not much younger brother behind my mom. Family stuff. Drive forever to watch some else's television for three hours, have dinner and go home. We were about two hours out of town in farm country, about a half-hour from their place when I shit my pants. I thought it was a fart. A slippery little blast of coffee coloured, lumpy, liquid shit sneaked out instead. It was just for a second, I thought I had it licked.
Then it was like a dam bust.
Whatever control I'd managed to regain from the initial volley was lost; abruptly. It all came out at once in a massive blob. I felt my nuts float then drop as shit hit my tailbone. The force of it wrapped it around the inside of my jeans and halfway down my legs. There was an impressive amount of shit.
They didn't see me crying. They all made fart jokes and talked about farting and waved their hands in front of their faces and said things like, "who parked an air biscuit" and "YEW FARTED HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The situation deteriorated when they opened the windows.
It was early spring in the country and all the farms were covered in fertilizer. Fresh steer shit, fish offal, and decomposing mushrooms covered hundreds of acres all around us. We were driving through the dead middle of hundreds of thousands of tons of spread-out, ground up, rotting crap.
They closed the windows and quickly realised that I had not farted. The different shit smell from outside did not mix well.
You think you can imagine, but you can't.
Fishy, slaughterhouse upper funk, tasty and thick.
I won't get into it.
We didn't stop. Never even came up, actually, no one said a word until we got there. When they gave up arguing with me and left me sitting in my own swamp, I stole the car. I had a spare key. I drove for almost two hours to a drive-thru close to my house and ate in the parking lot, listening to the radio with the windows down.
Date Written: April 22, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 4.1538
04/28/2004 John Slocum (4): I burst out laughing at the description of your nuts floating and dropping, the tailbone, etc. Very funny. Paragraph 3 and 4. Kind of goes on a bit too much after that. This reminds me of Mr. Coffee's one and only short.
04/28/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): "Thought I had it licked"; genius.
04/28/2004 scoop (4): I'm tempted to give this three stars for that glaring mistake in the kicker. Windows down? Are you kidding? Up! Windows up, goddamn it! But otherwise an effective meditation on going #2 in your pants.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Actually the other glaring mistake was "I won't get into it" What the F? That really F's my S up, you know? The whole short is about getting into it.
Sitting in your own swamp. Interesting.
04/28/2004 Tiddlycove (4): This delivers lots of fecality from start to finish, as a Shit Short should. But where's that luscius sensation of warm soft granular issue climbing up the author's buttcrack and nestling itself in the supersensitive area just below the beltline? It doesn't all go downhill, as any accomplished carpooper should know.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: carpooper. Good.
04/28/2004 Tiddlycove: Luscious. Even better.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I dunno. Luscius is a cool name for a very pale young man.
04/28/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I'm guessing the error scoop pointed out has since been corrected. This short has a real thing going on, and I'm not sure what it is. It made me very happy that I'm not crapping my pants right now, and for me, that's five stars.
04/28/2004 anonymous: I think he meant the windows should have stayed shut, locking the shit-stink while he eats his yummy drive through
04/28/2004 Mr. Pony: That would have been pretty tough to justify. And less sad. Oh, you know what happened? I thought the "kicker" was somewhere else! Graf. Lede. Illo. Kicker. Fuck you guys!
04/28/2004 Will Disney (4): god this one is "tactile".
04/28/2004 Jon Matza (3): No offense, pal. Well-written but not much here I found interesting. Obligatory, as you say.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I like "reveal". What's wrong with "reveal"?
04/28/2004 Phony Millions (3): a little aimless...
04/29/2004 TheBuyer: The horse may be dead or just maybe it's just resting, but I'll beat it anyhow. Aimless how? I see a beginning, a middle, and an end, what was missed?
05/14/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I liked
06/14/2004 Pix (5): I can't believe I forgot to rate this one!
01/17/2005 Litcube (5): True story, I hear.
01/31/2005 Cyrus (5): Why does this seem so believable?
01/31/2005 TheBuyer: Because Chilliwack stinks?
01/31/2005 Cyrus: Nah I'm pretty sure it's something else. I got an image of you in the back seat of about a 74 chevy station wagon and it is so real it's scary. You know the type with that wood grain mac-tac on the side? That and I know you cry easy.