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500 grand? Fuck that, try 750, 800. How big? Southern! Stainless steel everything! Amana? Viking! Rip out the the stairwell and turn the whole cunting place into an atrium. What is it, plastic? Pork that effing shit. Glass, I want it all in humping glass. Everything shiny. Who cares? Force them out, knock it down, get some fucking kikes to build it cheap. Prefab! How much does it cost to heat this cumhole? Oil! Natural gas! A/C. Friedrich! Quality! Prewar. Who's the super? That guy's a fucking douchestick. I'm hungry! AAgggghh! Graaaar!

Date Written: April 26, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 3.5

05/3/2004 scoop (5): People are such fucking douche bags. Who else wants a fucking fiver? Huh? You?
05/3/2004 Will Disney (3): I like the tone okay. 3.5 stars.
05/3/2004 mr.coffee (4): STFU Scoop. You're a home decor little cunt...New couch, tv...pussy [OK!ok! not pussy...doesn't get any]
05/3/2004 scoop: If I only had a new house to put it all in, you know one with a kid and a dog and a yard. That would be so dreamy!
05/3/2004 mr.coffee: That’s the next step...here I'll break it down for you. 1.new little 'cool/hip' chair 2.new Couch 3.new TV 4.new house w/accoutrements 5.new pussy Its really that simple.
05/3/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Scoop has a new house with a lot of new pussy in it, and we should all respect that. I dig this short's choice of swears and appliances, though its tone seems a little cardboard. I give it three-five to balance Disney's.
05/3/2004 mr.coffee: wait..Benny what..Scoop has a new house made entirely out of new pussy?
05/3/2004 scoop: ... step 6. I bitch and moan to all my friends about giving up my boss bachelor pad in the West village, the one with the the cute little balcony and winding European cobblestone streets...
05/3/2004 mr.coffee: step 7: get married in secret to keep my armpit pad from getting into the wrong hands. step 8:then bitch about it.
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony: holy crap
05/3/2004 anonymous: hooray
5/3/04 10:32:32 AM - Scoop: step 9: turn up your collar and strut around like a versailles peacock.
05/3/2004 anonymous: come on, what about the text, fellas?
5/3/04 10:35:21 AM - mr.coffee: step 10: flex my jaw muscles in an attempt to not look like a Wonder Twin
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm more concerned with the sloppiness of what just happened!
05/3/2004 Jon Matza (2): So this is an in-joke having to do with Scoop's outlook on buying a house? If not, I don't get it & find these high votes inexplicable. If so, I still don't get it, not knowing Scoop well enough to appreciate the nuances of the depiction. A simple 'inside short' warning and I'd withhold this vote, but as it is I'm forced to assume it's supposed to have universal appeal. Let this be an important lesson to all of you.
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Yeah. The tone seems a little inauthentic and half-hearted. scoop's comments about the end of Penny Pulaski come to mind. The roars at the end, however, made me laugh. How do you like that?
05/3/2004 anonymous: for the record, matza, it's not an in-joke, just an approximation of one side of a conversation between crass real estate types. but i do admire how wholeheartedly you throw yourself into a complete misread.
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow (4):
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: "If not, I don't get it & find these high votes inexplicable." i.e., "I acknowledge this interpretation might be wrong, in which case I still don't get/like it." But sure, if it makes you feel better, I 'wholeheartedly' threw myself into my 'misread'.
05/3/2004 anonymous: your not getting it is, too, a grievous misread, as you're not an idiot.
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: I 'got' that a crude asshole real estate consumer/developer was barking out instructions like a Coen brothers blowhard. But the effing, cunting, humping, cumhole, douchstick stuff sounded to me like an age old Lerpa schtick, not something that would come out of anyone else's mouth (except maybe Lerpa cronies). Also didn't find the non-sequitur outburst at the end funny, though I could imagine it being so with the right delivery. In short, I found very little of interest here & therefore assumed there must be more to it than met the eye, hence my errant speculation. Therefore, what you call my misread was me giving you the benefit of the doubt. NEVER CROSS ME AGAIN!!!!
05/3/2004 anonymous: okay, i accept your low rating on the short's merits. but your initial comment was misleading.
05/3/2004 Mr. Joshua (3): As a real estate professional, I can attest to the lack of authenticity in the dialogue...no one would ever use a kike if he wanted something built cheap. Also, I told all of you about Smarty Jones a month ago, and now look at what he has done. Excerpt from Message Board Post #1762 4/8/04: The $1,000,000 Grade II Arkansas Derby features the undefeated Smarty Jones (soon to be a household name, you just watch), who if he wins both this race and the Kentucky Derby, will receive a $5,000,000 bonus. That's a lot of oats! Excerpt from Message Board Post #1836 4/17/04: Yeah...I don't wanna see that fuck anywhere near NBC's Triple Crown Coverage. Smarty Jones deserves better.
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: This painful misunderstaning illustrates why we should consider a Latin-only policy for Acme. As Mr. Dudley said in European History (when advocating mandatory Classics study), "It was impossible to ever be misunderstood in Latin."
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow: Did he use a split infinitive, as in you quote? Cuz that's impossible in Latin too.
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow: your
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: I might be off by a word or two. But it definitely had that pompous, declarative ring of finality to it.
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow: Is this the guy who said there is no such thing as reading, only re-reading?
05/3/2004 John Slocum: No, that was Mr. Vigliorolo, European Lit. teacher and author of the famous poem, 'Hypocycloid.'
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: Full title: "Hypocycloid: A Roulette".
05/3/2004 Phony Millions (4): Step 11: Throw a dinner party in your new digs, and stab a guest in the cheek with a fork like the thief in that movie "The Cook, The Thief, his Wife and her Lover".
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony: "Lerpa cronies"?
05/3/2004 scoop: Matza, my mom said it was ok for me to become a "Matza Crony." She just wants to make sure I get a comparable benefit package before I make the jump. So what are we talking about here? 401K, full dental, decoder rings?
05/3/2004 Jon Matza: I can't offer much in the way of material benefits, but the emotional rewards of being a Matza crony are unparalleled, and certainly better than what the Lerpa can offer. We will discuss our innermost feelings and vulnerabilities in an honest, supportive and encouraging manner, always taking turns and listening to each other sensitively and unjudgmentally. There will be poems, hugging, bare torso drum circles and Man Time (in which we describe what our masculinity means to us). We will talk about ourselves not in terms of What We Are, but in terms of What We Might Become.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: The Lerpa doesn't let us talk about our feelings! Okay, what about this? If any of us makes the switch, will we get to keep our special secret names that the Lerpa gave us? And what about the special secret sticks the Lerpa gave us to carry around in case he needs to hit us? Can we at least keep those?
05/4/2004 Jon Matza: Those names and those sticks, Pony, fall into the category of What We Once Were. Such objects and associations, though often comfortable (or at least familiar) belong to What We Were and may bind us in roles and behaviors that may no longer suit us, thus preventing us from achieving that which We Will Become (our Life-Potentialities). Therefore we must be ready to let go of these object-symbols.
05/4/2004 scoop: I would say I'm sold, but I fear it may offend the senzabilities of the Mighty Za, for the old notions of "buying" and "selling" project the inner Za that Zas inside all of us on to a vulgar world filled with Zalessness.
05/4/2004 TheBuyer: I'm late.
Glengary, Glen-total-over-the-top-asshole-esque.
05/4/2004 Dylan Danko: I hate everybody.
05/4/2004 Not Lisa (3):
06/7/2004 Will Disney: not very funny