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"Where did all the other celebrants go?" wondered Sherwoode upon returning from the garden. Something odd was going on, certainly. Not five minutes earlier etc.
A bloodcurdling scream split the summer night. Why was the library door propped open? Movement discernible through the conservatory window...pages 22-25 mysteriously torn out...everything fuzzy...
A great sense of relief overcame Sherwoode as he caught sight of the group at last. Still, the italicized, stream-of-consciousness faux-whodunit jargon from the preceding paragraph made him feel queasy. The current paragraph was equally putrid. Something had to be done. Pinwheeling his arms around, Sherwoode let loose a barrage of machine gun noises and sprinted towards the group. En route he began to harangue them in his satanic 'monster truck' ad voice.
"VAG! VAG! VAG! VAGIZATIONS! MEGA-POON! BEAVER CITY! LICK ME! TUNA MELT, ANYONE?"
Even as it was being written the 'vag' routine seemed to die an agonizingly slow, retarded death. Too bored to try anything else, Sherwoode gave up and mentally dissociated himself from the short.
Date Written: May 09, 2004Comments:
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.5
05/12/2004 Benny Maniacs (2): I feel for you.
05/12/2004 Benny Maniacs: (That means I love you).
05/12/2004 Will Disney: this one's evocative of something. i actually like it okay although it's not funny. maybe it could have been taken in a funny direction.
05/12/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I think it's great that it's not all that funny. The intentionally deflated jokes work. The fact that it's done in a tongue-in-cheek Short Short voice makes it a little sad, even. I'd give it a four, but I think the damn message is true.
05/12/2004 Benny Maniacs: Dear Author~
Maybe Pony's right. It is possible that I'm seeing the world through dark tinted lenses after the tragic sinking of my desert island short (see below). But still, it felt a little lazy. If I could give you one more star I would, although Pony kind of already has.
P.S. Could this be a Matza? Hard to say.
05/12/2004 Mr. Pony: I thought it was the Lerpa, but I'm often wrong about stuff like that.
05/12/2004 TheBuyer (4): I'm having a very dizzy morning
05/12/2004 TheBuyer: also, I laughed beacause I do the hard-sell monster-truck thing professionally sometimes; instead of VAG! VAG! VAG! we go GINA! GINA! GINA! which cracks me up. fo sta
05/12/2004 John Slocum (3): More intriguing than funny. No palate penetration.
05/12/2004 qualcomm (3): chj jklwch jkghcft oui p97823y rp9 fiugh
05/13/2004 Phony Millions (4): Creative, and funny to me at least. 'Vag' is still funny even if it's ironically being commented on for how it's losing its humor. I like the honesty.
05/13/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: What's clear is that Sherwoode has to get himself back to the garden.
05/13/2004 Jon Matza: Word, Jimson! Two words, in fact: Yasgur's Farm. Premium comment.