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Barry was excited as he pulled out of Chuck M'Allon's driveway. He just spent an hour picking out a perfect little puppy for wife Lynne and daughter Dawn and he could not WAIT to get home. Charle M'Allon had a repuation for breeding some of the best behaved dogs for hundreds of miles. He picked one out that he thought looked just like Lassie.
"That little puppy looks just like Lassie," he thought, and took her home.
Dawn shreiked when she saw what Barry had in his arms.
"A PUPPY!" she cried and snatched her to her chest, "Thankyoudaddy thankyouthankyouthankyouiloveher" and proceeded to squeak and coo and fawn all over her.
Barry and Lynne stood back and smiled. Dawn finally put the puppy down. She watched as it settled itself and put it's head down between it's paws and lay perfectly still.
"Daddy," Dawn asked, her brow furrowed, "Is the puppy sick?"
"She's not sick," Barry beamed, "She just a little m'allon collie."
Date Written: May 14, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 2.6667
05/19/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Are you serious? Is this legal?
05/19/2004 John Slocum (4): Good one. Are going to stuff goodies from the blender in their asses later?
05/19/2004 Will Disney: whoa!
05/19/2004 Will Disney: buh-duh-bump!
05/19/2004 Will Disney: this short reminds me of Barry Lynn, the head of American's United for Separation of Church and State. Not b/c of the pun but because of the names.
05/19/2004 Mr. Pony: Thanks for that link, Will! This looks like a really interesting site, and I look forward to checking it out. Does anyone else have any thoughts on how religious faith should affect our lives and laws? This seems like a pretty good time/place to discuss it!
05/19/2004 Ewan Snow (1):
05/19/2004 scoop (1): Reminds me of when I was molested: just as predictable and just as disappointing.
05/19/2004 qualcomm (1):
05/19/2004 anonymous: One star votes and no flame to go with it; Is that laziness or punishment for something?
05/19/2004 Will Disney (5): this is to balance out the 1's. normally i'd give this a 3.25.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: you fucking fruit, disney.
05/19/2004 anonymous: sudden problem with corrective votes, Lerpa?
05/19/2004 Ewan Snow: "Corrective" implies that this piece of crap doesn't deserve a one.
05/19/2004 scoop: This is why I had my, ahem, tantrum Snow. This corrective shit ultimately leads to a Mardi Gras like celebration of medicocirity, boozy with pity and relativism.
05/19/2004 anonymous: Actually, I would tend to aggree with scoop, even though I'm on the good end of one.
05/19/2004 anonymous: edited. truth hurts
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Say, what happened here?
05/19/2004 anonymous: I wrote a bad short, it got flamed, I killed the punchline.
05/19/2004 anonymous: not bitter, just embarrassed.
05/19/2004 John Slocum: Aw, c'mon, you can't just edit. You have to live with yourself. Maniacs: See what your actions do to the impressionable youngsters? Now this short sucks, before it was better. I liked the obviousness of the punchline, it sounded playfully tongue-in-cheek. I want to change my vote to 1 star. I feel cheated. I feel terrible.
05/19/2004 anonymous: Damn you John Slocum you're right, of course - that edit would've been a sin.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Hmm...if this was meant to be "funny", then I think it's actually pretty funny. If it was actually meant to be funny, then it deserves to be savaged, though in my mind the mere fact that the setup is intelligible (& has potential) brings it above one star. You people should really save your one stars as a weapon to use sparingly against truly, insidiously awful material. In any case I don't know how to vote...dizzy...demonic figures lurking...blackness...
05/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Matza, there's no shortage of one stars, so there's no need to reserve them. The reason I gave this one star was because it was several paragraphs of buildup for a pun. This sort of joke is anathema to the values and the rich tradition of excellence we cherish here at Acme Shorts.
05/19/2004 anonymous: Setup may have been stretched, but it would have read like a minimalist's shopping list if I'd cut it down any further - great, now I'm a poet and I didn't even know before.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: you would be wise, matza, to apply the same conservationist ethos to your five-star votes. you LUNATIC!
05/19/2004 Mr. Pony: And if you don't like it, you should go back to Fusia!
05/19/2004 TheBuyer: Matza: not funny "ha ha," funny "hee haw"
05/19/2004 Ewan Snow: I knew some dumb cunt would bring up Fusia. Didn't figure it would be Pony. The fact is eveyone agreed that that short was terrible. In any case, at least it was much, much shorter.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Lerpski: point taken about too many five stars votes leading to devaluation, though there are others who should be taken to task for this before me. However, I stand by my vote on today's Scoop short. There's more to it than mere shock value. Just because it's easy to read doesn't mean it's easy to write that way. I'm disappointed that you people are too obtuse to notice this.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: just because it may be difficult to write this way, doesn't mean that the short is funny or even worthwhile. who cares how easy or hard something is to do? it's hard to paint a realistic tiger on velvet, but, to quote you, "etc."
05/19/2004 scoop: What does powerpoint mean to you, Jon?
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Can't fault the linkpig's logic in this case (a refreshing change from recent debates). I should have been more precise...I found that short a pleasure to read (to me more important in gauging a short's worth than laughter). I think the acme mainstream (typified by you) was busy resisting the calculated shock and failed to notice how good (seamless, consistent in voice) the writing was. This fills me with remorse.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: you are an asshole.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: hey, you know what else has a consistent voice? "the celestine prophecy"... or "atlas shrugged" for that matter.
05/19/2004 anonymous: ...so what's it gonna be Matza? I've been braced for the vote/comment all day since scoop let me molest him.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Ok, you're right, I'm an asshole, same as everyone else who ever disagreed with you. I tricked myself into liking that short, though I wouldn't have if I'd been more honest with myself. Deep down, I just wanted to overrate it.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: That was addressed to The Lerpa. Author: re voting, I still don't know what your intention was. Your earlier comment seemed to imply it was supposed to be funny in quotes, but I'm not sure whether I believe you. Therefore, honor compels me to withhold my vote.
05/19/2004 qualcomm: now you're retreating to unseemly, texxxish, emotional arguments. i never questioned the sincerity of your vote, just its appropriateness.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: 1) I wish to apologize to the Lerpa and others for my inappropriate vote on Scoop's short. I'll try to vote more politely and tastefully from here on out. 2) While the Texxx comparison was an admirably dirty rhetorical trick, it doesn't hold up to scrutiny. What point was I supposedly retreating from? I already conceded the point that doing something difficult well doesn't automatically make for a good short (nor does it make for a bad one, as you have claimed in the past re consistency of voice...but that's a different argument). I admit I haven't build a great case for the value of the misogyny short, besides saying I got a lot of pleasure out of it, but is this really any weaker than Lerpa's case against it (it was 'too inflammatory' and 'flat')? Does Lerpa also object to its inappropriate subject matter?
05/19/2004 scoop: Ha! Snow called you a dumb cunt Pony! And all you did, was like, nothing! Typically cunty reaction from a cunt, cunt.
05/19/2004 anonymous: Your honour, Matzasan can be maintained by reading similarly titled two-in-one short and basing your vote on that. They [it? fuck it I'll stay plural] were written in the same "gee dad," Johnny Carson, voice and spirit except they had more intelligent puns and also people stuffing food up their asses. I tried to do this one super-clean because it's harder to make clean jokes work and stays consistant with the pre-established voice of the other shorts I just mentioned. I could have used:
"Daddy," Dawn asked, her brow furrowed, "Why did you get the retarded puppy?"
but I thought that would take away from the shitty punchline. I wrote a bad joke, and I was still REALLY hungover and wallowing in self-pity from the string of 1 star votes when I called it a bad short, so vote accordingly; I won't cry or campaign further except to say I hope I didn't just backpedal my last few comments, I don't feel like reading back right now - I have new porn.
05/19/2004 Pix (4): Well I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I laughed my ass off days ago when I first read this before it was published, but it coulda been the alcohol talking, it usually is.
05/19/2004 scoop: At the very least this molestation gave me a chance to stroll down memory lane, and that counts for something! Thanks for that author. I look forward to our next game of "Find the quarter."
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: OK, based on the past short referred to and the author's statements below, here's my vote.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: OK, that joke doesn't seem so terrific now.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: I apologize to the Buyer, the acme community, and especially to the Lerpa for all points I made in this discussion. EXCEPT FOR YOU, DESTROYAH!!!!!
05/19/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh no, Snow didn't call me a "dumb cunt". See, scoop, Snow's got something you don't got--the ability to laugh at himself! I knew he'd have a sense of humor about the whole thing, and that's why I knew he'd be okay with me bringing up the "Fusia" joke in this particular context. So sit back down, you!!
05/20/2004 TheBuyer (3): over 2.5! over 2.5! over 2.5! woohoo! I'm gonna get loaded and write one that has Lynne and all of her math tteacherr, jazz snob friends sitting around a poppping their fingers in 11/8 syncopation and ends in "dig that crazy pythagorhythm!"
05/20/2004 Phony Millions: Actually I'm surprised that no one has written an "all the stupid things about jazz, its audience, etc..., that can be sent up" short already, The Buyer!...Scoop, save that phrase of yours below, "a Mardi Gras like celebration of medicocirity, boozy with pity and relativism." That's some good shit to work with.
05/20/2004 John Slocum: After all this, I still kind of like this short. It's reminiscent of puns my grandfather used to tell me knowing they were telegraphed and his laughing at them. Maybe my grandfather also molested Scoop.
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: I am now picturing all of our grandfathers molesting scoop at once. This is not your fault, Slocum. I was thinking about this before.
05/20/2004 Jon Matza: How I loathe you, Destoryah!!!
05/20/2004 Jon Matza: I mean Destroyah!!!
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: I think maybe you pine for his humid odor to pierce your nose hairs once again.
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Even though that's totally not how smell works.
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: I am self-disqualifing myself from voting on this one. I didn't get the pun at first, and thought it a wonderful ending line - worthy of four brown ones. Furthermore, I think that tiger paintings on black velvet are genuine works of art.
05/20/2004 TheBuyer: why do you hurt me with your words, B.M, why?