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Misogyny is my favorite sport. I like to backslap, bitchslap and pistol whip (not with a pistol, obviously - that’s just plain mean - but with a spatula or something unheavy). Sometimes I like to set up intricate traps for my bitch, praying on all of her vulnerabilities (fear of snakes, deep water, large trucks) and plan my booby traps accordingly. Once I rigged it so that after she had gone and done a huge grocery shopping, when she opened the door, I pulled a latch at the top of the stairs and a rubber snake slid out at the bottom. Which sent the groceries flying, and my bitch screaming. She felt humiliated and stupid. I laughed so fucking hard at her. The best part was, since it was my money she had spent on the groceries, I was justified in getting out the wooden spoon and giving her what for. That shit must hurt too!
Since then I have progressed into real psychological abuse. Like how she opened up and told me one night that this bully on her block had molested her when she was like nine. After, he had paid her with a half dollar coin. She said she had never felt cheaper in her entire life than at that moment. So now I'm going through this phase of dropping a half dollar coin on the pillow every time after we have sex. The look on her face is just priceless. You can see her self-esteem evaporating. But still. She is my ho bag, and sometimes I bang that shit with what could be construed as a sort of tenderness. Usually though, I can’t help myself, and give her staring mug a cuff and tell her to face the wall as I nail her from behind. My purpose? To give the woman a glimmer of what life could be, then take it away from her, so that it feels even more empty and painful than it had before. It’s more than a sport really; it’s a philosophy of education.
Date Written: May 17, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.7143
Comments:
05/19/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): I think this gets a little too poignant near the end.
05/19/2004 John Slocum (4):
05/19/2004 Will Disney (4): oh boy that's not nice
05/19/2004 Phony Millions (4): Yes, what Chhretan said - that almost-poignancy makes it almost not satire. But it gives the thing a nice edge, because after all it is satire - right? right?...
05/19/2004 Jon Matza (5): Applaud the author's desire to push this as far as it'd go. Great conversational voice. Highly imaginative, almost cartoonlike, in its cruelty. And now Acme awaits Pony's reaction!
05/19/2004 TheBuyer: Reads kind of like a Mike O'Donohughe rough draft. I don't know yet.
05/19/2004 Not Lisa: I think the character is a little like DeNiro's portrayl of Dwight in "This Boy's Life". I am not sure yet.
05/19/2004 Jon Matza: Make up your minds!
05/19/2004 qualcomm (3): too overtly inflammatory. i realize that was the point, but i think it was an error. it came off flat to me.
05/19/2004 Ewan Snow (3): Yup.
05/19/2004 TheBuyer (3): Comedy with the safety off maybe, but I'm just not laughing at this today. Damnit...3 and change.
05/19/2004 Not Lisa (4): Well, it didn't hurt to read it again. Interesting bravado.
05/19/2004 Mr. Pony:
Dear Jon Matza,
I sorry that I could not respond sooner! I was out at a very important meeting with a very big Hollywood producer!! Needless to say, my time is very important!! But you are right; I should take the time to respond to this short!! There's some weird stuff going on here!! Like how the author uses the phrases "...bang that shit..." and "...with what could be construed as a sort..." in the same sentence!! Right next to each other!! That's weird!! Tell you the truth, I don't know what to think about this!! I need some more time to think!! Goodbye!!
05/19/2004 Pix (2): This is half exciting and half nauseating... I give it a 2.5 but leaning more toward the 2.
05/19/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I'm still a little confused, but I'm circling around this rating!!
05/20/2004 qualcomm: ha! the lerpa sensed this was written by someone who doesn't know the first thing about hating women
05/20/2004 TheBuyer: Take that Donohughe thing as a compliment. He once stopped his baby from crying by firing a .22 caliber pistol into the celing of his apartment; he did not live on the topmost floor of the building at the time. Also, he wrote some stuff.
05/20/2004 Jon Matza: This was Maniacs, not Scoop? I'll be a yellow-nosed gopher. Lerpa: if only you'd hazarded that opinion before the author was revealed, would've been a plush feather in your cap.
05/20/2004 anonymous: Maybe the Lerpa didn't hazard an opinion because he just didn't know who could have written something this meaty, this deep-digging, this ...let's admit it; this balsy.
05/20/2004 qualcomm: i had a suspicion it was maniacs, but scoop's non-voting made me doubt myself. it felt like it had a political agenda, as if it were making fun of my work in this important field.
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh, so I don't not hate women as much as Maniacs doesn't not hate women? I'm a little hurt that I was passed over. I have a political agenda too, you know!
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: We should have a contest!
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: I think Scoop and The Lerpa might just tie for first. Though Scoop was punched by his wife and didn't fight back, which would give The Lerpa better odds in a misogyny duel.
05/20/2004 qualcomm: that aggression would not have stood with the lerpa. as i've indicated on numerous occasions, i hit women.
05/20/2004 scoop: Name one of them that you've hit, ass hole.
05/20/2004 qualcomm: i've given jenkins a couple of raps. to paraphrase the great martin amis (speaking through the character of john self): 'think it's easy? have you ever done it?'
05/20/2004 Ewan Snow: The Lerpa once kicked my ex-girlfriend. Hard.
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: Martin Amis again.
05/20/2004 qualcomm: ah, she was just doing that girl thing where she pretended it hurt
05/20/2004 Ewan Snow: No, you kicked her pretty hard. She was sitting in your spot on the couch as I recall. You pulled her to her feet, plopped your ass down and then gave her a swift kick for good measure. Besides, I thought you were looking for evidence that you beat women. Now you're denying it?
05/20/2004 scoop: My point exactly!
05/20/2004 qualcomm: no, i'm just saying that in that case, she was doing that girl thing. i'm certain of it. wasn't hard at all.
05/20/2004 scoop: I bet the Lerpa hasn't even made a woman uncomfortable with a forceful fingering session, you non-women hitting prude.
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: In light of scoop's last reply, misogyny duel odds are now about even. It's going to look something like American Gladiators.
05/20/2004 scoop: I once punched a woman in the face and she ran in to the bathroom and cried and I fisted this other girl even though deep down I knew she didn't want me to.
05/20/2004 TheBuyer: How deep down did you get before you figured it out?
I killed my mom.
05/21/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: If a woman were to hit you, and you didn't hit her back, would that make you more of a mysogynist because you weren't respecting her as an equal?
Just curious.
05/21/2004 senator (4): It is funny because it is true.
05/21/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): In Lerpa's defense, I understand that Snow's ex was a little, shall we say, soft. I'm giving this 4 because that spoon part is kind of sexy. True misogyny is a real turn-on.
09/20/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): Ahaha, this was great, mostly because it is like my life. The tenderness line was priceless.
01/17/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I can't believe the low votes this got. Remind me to give you an extra star next time, Maniacs. You've earned it.