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“Somewhere out in our television audience,” Reverend Cool Vincennes bellowed into the microphone, “There’s a poor woman with an intense, shooting pain in her left elbow. I call upon the Lord almighty to heal her! Heal her Lord! Thank you Jesus!”

The perspiring crowd of glassy-eyed fate monkeys roared in response.

“Thank you, Lord. And somewhere out there, a very naughty young boy is touching himself, pulling his little diddly, not really rubbing it, but sort of squoozing it, dig? I want that boy to stop this instant! Drop your idle frigging and apply your hands to the work of the Saviour! Thank you Jesus!”

At home, Jeremy did as his father said and put his penis away. Where it belonged.