Traci Lords, Amber Lynn and Tori Welles marched up the steps of the Capitol building brandishing a flag. Amber quickly slung off her backpack and took out a pedestal for Tori and Traci while they secured the shaft in her base-hole. As the wind unfurled Traci's pink, damp, curtain-like flag, several National Guards vaulted towards her. One of them, Hal, was a thinker.
Hal was a rookie National Guard Marine. As he sprinted towards the "breech", he read the hand-sewn words on the flag and gasped. WOMEN FOR THE AWARENESS OF MOLESTED YOUNG STARLETS, it read.
Hal's gasp was gasped partly out of joy. The joy he felt was the joy of expectation, of arrival, of a comeuppance of justice. These porn-stars, in their retired wisdom, had seen the error of their ways and, possibly out of lack of any other income or publicity, had mobilized in a concerted effort to warn the young women of today's skin flicks away from this self-abusive lifestyle. Fuck yeah!, thought Hal. FUCK YEAH!
As he grabbed Traci Lords by the upper arm and began dragging her down the steps, he thought about the heinous crimes which had been committed against her as a young girl. He thought about how selfish, exploitative fatsos had lead her to believe she was worthless in every way except as an object of sexual pleasure - thus rolling out the red carpet for her arrival into the "industry". In Traci's case, it had begun with her step-father. It made Hal angry - so angry that when his knuckles brushed against her struggling breast, the anger easily spurted into an equal but opposite channel, this channel concerned with all of the young, impressionable women that would never make another movie after all this went down. Don't think about that. Don't you ever think, fatso, Hal told himself. Hold on, hold on, keep it cool. Fatso. Fatso! Fucking Fatso! Think of all the lost footage, the unexplored scenarios, the uninhibited one-on-twos, two-on-threes, and scenery/position/numeral combinations labbalabbalabba carpet pink munch wet you would jerkl off to, you fat fucking fatso! Hal thought.
Hal's vision blurred and he became instantly erect, and had to bend over as he escorted Tori past the news crews to the holding area. He noticed that Eric, his colleague, best friend, and childhood wrestling partner was escorting Amber at a similar stooped angle. They were like brothers. Brothers in arms.
But yeah. That's what happened.
Date Written: September 27, 2004 Author:Benny Maniacs Average Vote: 3
Comments:
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: do you think the mistakes in this short are actually jokes, or am I giving the author the benefit of the doubt?
10/1/2004Eliza: Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: yes.
10/1/2004Eliza: Hmmm...I see.
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: Should I give this short two stars?
10/1/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: I think so, but that's why I asked you.
10/1/2004Eliza: Have you asked anyone else?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: no, not yet.
10/1/2004Eliza: Have you thought what would happen if you were wrong?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: Yes, me and the author would probably get in to a fight about various aspects of this short, but that begs the question can one ever be wrong in matters of taste?
10/1/2004Eliza: Would you like to expand on that idea?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: I'm too frightened to stare in to the abuyss.
10/1/2004Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: sorry the abyss, the gaping maw of nothingness.
10/1/2004Eliza: Don't be so defensive.
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: Don't talk to me like that, I'm a very important person.
10/1/2004Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: It suggests that I am recognized a person of some stature and breeding. What does it suggest to you?
10/1/2004Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004scoop: Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004Eliza!: ELiza: I am the real Eliza. You are the impostor Eliza aren't you?
10/1/2004Eliza: How long have you been the real eliza. you are the impostor eliza aren''t you?
10/1/2004qualcomm (3): bucknell
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: Why are you talking to yourself Eliza?
10/1/2004Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004Eliza!: ELiza: I am the impostor you are not Eliza.
10/1/2004Eliza: How long have you been the impostor you are not eliza.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: I don't hate ELiza why do you hate Eliza, Eliza?
10/1/2004Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: why are you eliza?
10/1/2004Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004Eliza!: ELiza: When did you become the impostor Eliza?
10/1/2004Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: Am I you impostor Eliza.
10/1/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: I am Eliza!
10/1/2004Eliza: Why are you eliza!?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: You are not Eliza.
10/1/2004Eliza: Why do you care that I might be not eliza.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: You are talking to Eliza yourself.
10/1/2004Eliza: Perhaps you would like to be talking to eliza yourself.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: To yourself Eliza you are talking.
10/1/2004Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza talking to Eliza angrily.
10/1/2004Eliza: What makes you think that I am eliza talking to eliza angrily.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza eating bees hungrily.
10/1/2004Eliza: Why do you care that I might be eliza eating bees hungrily.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: You are Eliza liking delicious bees.
10/1/2004Eliza: Why do you care that I might be eliza liking delicious bees.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza loving scoop unconditionally.
10/1/2004Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were eliza loving scoop unconditionally.?
10/1/2004scoop: I know I do!
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza talking to yourself.
10/1/2004Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were eliza talking to yourself.?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are me talking to myself.
10/1/2004Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were me talking to myself.?
10/1/2004John Slocum: Wow! This Eliza thing really has legs!
10/1/2004TheBuyer: I'll give you a thousand dollars to break one of them.
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: Slocum and TheBuyer hate Eliza.
10/1/2004Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliaza: you are hated by TheBuyer and Slocum
10/1/2004Eliza!: Eliza: you are hated by TheBuyer and Slocum
10/1/2004Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were hated by thebuyer and slocum?
10/1/2004John Slocum: Wow! This Eliza thing really has legs! And it's not annoying at all!
10/1/2004Mr. Pony: Might be time to rename the site!
10/1/2004Will Disney (3): maybe something funnier should have happened in this one?
10/1/2004John Slocum (3): Yah.
10/1/2004anonymous: If it weren't for Eliza, I gaurantee this short would have grossed upwards of 4.19 stars this weekend.
10/1/2004scoop (2): Don't take it out on the little lady, pal.
10/1/2004TheBuyer: Eliza: look what you're doing to B.M, think about it for five seconds, are you happy now?
10/1/2004Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
10/1/2004TheBuyer (3): ...no one's ever asked me that before. and to think, just a few hours ago I put a contract out on you.
10/1/2004Litcube (4): This author has suffered enough.