Kendra Wortherington absolutely adored entertaining! Oh, rather! And on this particular Thursday, gathered with her in the Failgrave Estate's cozy study for an entertaining afternoon with books, were Gloria Etherbelly, Taudra Mane and Kathryn Mellfelt (of the North Ingles Mellfelts). And of course, Rutherford Gills, Wortherington's ever-so-fastidious butler, was on hand as usual to retrieve titles from the shelves and read whichever passages the ladies approved.
Smoothing the pleats in her skirt, Wortherington cooed, "Rutherford, let's begin with something from 'Ulysses'! Perhaps...the wandering rocks? to get things started?"
Mellfelt immediately objected: "Sweat act! Complete sweat act! Rutherford, be a dear and start us of with something from 'Leaves of Grass' instead."
Oh no. Absolutely not. Ms. Taudra Mane, who harbored a sharp distaste for Whitman, spit out her signature "Ripoff!" at this suggestion
"Oh, but darling," Mellfelt argued, "Whitman is positively woodpile," but Etherbelly was already beginning to speak over both of them. "Personally, I think we should all give Cormac McCarthy another chance-"
This comment really set them off, and Rutherford was finally compelled to quiet them with furious shushing. Eventually, they stopped howling at each other long enough for the hostess to try again. "I know! How about something from that terrifically amusing fag, David Sedaris!"
Oh, yes! At last, the women agreed! But as the butler pulled the first edition copy of 'Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim' from the shelf, its pages sprinkled to the floor like so much gay confetti. The women gaped and blinked, giving their best ass-cherry-just-busted faces. The moment stretched.
"Worms?" Rutherford said, offering a guess, which sent the women into a state of raving apoplexy.
Their screams were incredible.
Not knowing what to do, and desperate to entertain in this moment of urgency, Rutherford performed, altogether and at once, what can only be described as a leap, a puff and a fart.
11/9/2004Jon Matza (2): Happy to see 'woodpile' and such but "what can only be described as" reminds me of Texxx. Also the "funny" names didn't work for me.
11/9/2004Litcube (2): I enjoyed the writing here.
11/9/2004Will Disney (3): worms! indeed! i shoulda given this the 4.
11/9/2004Mr. Pony (5):
11/9/2004Streifenbeuteldachs (1): I feel bad one starring this. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not really one star, it's a ranking against the others. Oh well.
11/9/2004cuntry (5): I see powder creased into wirnkled faces wearing funny hats. And a Clinton-esque bulb nose.
11/9/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: I feel I owe some justification. For some reason, I did not find the Acme epithets 'sweat act' and 'ripoff' all that amusing, and I thought the short was a somewhat labored. "a leap, a puff and a fart" didn't seem to me as sturdy of a comedic capstone as I believe it should have been. Had this short been submitted regularly, I probably would have awarded a three.