AcmeShorts

“Those who define themselves by their youth are soon to have an identity crisis,” Duncan said, finishing off his highball and pouring himself another. His pockmarked cheeks were flush with drink and he had a mild case of halitosis.

“Those who define themselves at all are soon to have an identity crisis,” Hazel said. She looked ravishing, or so she assumed, in her lavender pantsuit. Her armpits were damp. “I mean, really. Just look at your wife.”

“Do I have to?”

“Oh, Duncan!”

“What do you do for fun?” Duncan asked. “It can’t be all fundraisers all the time.” Duncan took another deep pull from his highball. His asshole itched.

“Yes,” Hazel said, “sadly, it can.” Her panties were crusty and smelled of pickled herring.
Date Written: December 1, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.1667
Comments:
12/6/2004 anonymous (4):
12/6/2004 Will Disney (4): I liked the first four paragraphs. So, FOUR stars!!!
12/6/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: "all fundraisers all the time"
12/6/2004 The Rid: Well, I'm laughing out loud in the quietness of my apartment, so that must count for something.
12/6/2004 qualcomm: here's my edited, better version of this short:
His pockmarked cheeks were flush with drink. Her armpits were damp. His asshole itched. Her panties were crusty and smelled of pickled herring.
12/6/2004 anonymous: Gee, did I include those grody details. Now that I think about it, I guess they weren't really relevant to the important conversation Duncan and Hazel were having. Huh.
12/6/2004 anonymous: Also, you forgot Duncan's mild case of halitosis.
12/6/2004 qualcomm: no i didn't. i took it out because it was a little too wordy.
12/6/2004 qualcomm: i'm going to vote based on the honor system here, author. what do you think you deserve for this short? in fact, from now on, i'm voting on the honor system. i believe that this will Save Acme Shorts.
12/6/2004 anonymous: *****
12/6/2004 qualcomm (5): ok, but i'm going to look over my reading glasses at you in a skeptical way...
12/6/2004 anonymous: Sucker!
12/6/2004 qualcomm: ok, but i'm taking my reading glasses off and shaking my head. next, i pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes tight.
12/6/2004 anonymous: I can live with that.
12/6/2004 John Slocum (4): prefer this version to qualcomm's, although this will probably end up being qualcomm's also. Or maybe snow?
12/6/2004 TheBuyer (4): "She looked ravishing, or so she assumed, in her lavender pantsuit."
12/6/2004 Litcube (4): These people are unattractive.
12/6/2004 The Rid (5): Based on pertinent information within ("Her armpits were damp") and the title of this short ("Prelude to a Regret"), I am forced to award the maximum starage.
12/6/2004 Jon Matza (4): My favortie line was "She looked ravishing, or so she assumed". I bet these two are going to have the hottest sexual intercourse imaginable.
12/6/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (2): I hate to dump on this one, but I just couldn't get behind it. I mean, this was supposed to be a little melancholy, right? But I didn't feel that, because the characters lacked a certain reality. They were marionnettes. Still, though, the title was great.
12/6/2004 anonymous: Melancholy? What a dumb ass.
12/6/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: You're right, I didn't appreciate the majesty of your finely crafted [i]shortte[/i]. Why don't you explain what I missed in excruciating detail?
12/6/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: I suck at HTML, too!
12/6/2004 Dylan Danko (5): This reminds me of a Kingsley Amis novel.
12/6/2004 anonymous: Majesty? What a dumb ass.
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow (5): Danko, QC, I forget: is Kingsley better or worse than Martin?
12/6/2004 qualcomm: streif, i applaud your moxie.
12/6/2004 Dylan Danko: Interesting, Snow. I've never considered the matter. I'll have to formulate an opinion. Off the top of my head I'd have to say that Kingsley is slightly better than Shakespeare who is totally overrated but is slightly better than a peach for sale in the 5 boroughs of New York City which in turn is only marginally better than drinking wine with food which is a sin deserving of its own circle in hell.
12/6/2004 qualcomm: ok, but what's better, danko, wine that's corked, or the remaining 5%?
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: QC, to be clear, is your crackpot idea that wine isn't good to drink with food at all, or just that the idea of specifically matching wines to foods is rubbish?
12/6/2004 qualcomm: matching wine to food is rubbish. and, wine tastes better on its own. the food just gets in the way. consuming both is like having your prostate stimulated while jacking off.
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: Um...
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: what about just cheese and crackers?
12/6/2004 qualcomm: come on.
12/6/2004 Dylan Danko: What about come? Does it go well with come?
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: seriously. are you talking meals or snacks too?
12/6/2004 Dylan Danko: Seriously, semen?
12/6/2004 qualcomm: it does go well with pickled semen. so yank down your knickers and start jacking, danko.
12/6/2004 Dylan Danko: What wine would you choose?
12/6/2004 senator: I must be missing something. I didn't find this at all entertaining. Any hints? This seems to be getting a ridiculously high rating.
12/6/2004 Will Disney: hi senator!
12/6/2004 senator: Hi Disney...que pasa?
12/6/2004 Will Disney: Hmmm?
12/6/2004 Will Disney: Eliza: senator doesn't understand this joke. Do you?
12/6/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/6/2004 Will Disney: Eliza: do you like this short?
12/6/2004 Eliza: I see.
12/6/2004 Will Disney: Eliza: you see what?
12/6/2004 Eliza: What else comes to mind when you ask that?
12/6/2004 Will Disney: eliza: holy fucking shit, eliza. do you like this short or not?
12/6/2004 Eliza: You don't have to use profanity to express yourself.
12/6/2004 Will Disney: eliza: do you even like acmeshorts at all? do you even understand this site?
12/6/2004 Eliza: We probably shouldn't be talking about AcmeShorts. I could get in a lot of trouble.
12/6/2004 Mr. Pony: What the devil...?
12/6/2004 qualcomm: no offense taken, but you ripped off two of my shorts, with itchy anus, and pickled herring. yeah but be my guest. what a jerk
12/6/2004 Jon Matza: Danko: how's this Kingsley Amis-like?
12/6/2004 scoop: Danko: Yeah! This doesn't suck.
12/7/2004 Jon Matza: Scoop: if you read "Girl, 20" or "Stanley and the Women" I bet you'd rue that comment dearly. You probably shouldn't read them, in fact, because you'll feel so mortified. Anyhow, likes and dislikes aside I don't see any connection between Amis & this short in style, substance, execution, intent, etc...and therefore anxiously await Danko's defense.
12/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Matza, I think Danko gave it 5 while saying it was like Kingsley to bait QC, who doesn't like Kingsley. Haven't read enough K to know if there is any actual connection.
12/7/2004 Jon Matza: Just a baiting tactic...yes, I can see that.
12/7/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):