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[Excerpt from The Comprehensive Guide to Superhero Lineage]

Piotr had slept with countless women, of course. Why none but these three experienced mutation remains UNKNOWN.

Tatiana had lain down for him first, several years before the other two, on the shores of Lake Baikal during a modest break from their labor (this was at the Ust-Ordynski Collective, Siberia, in the former U.S.S.R.). His sister Illyana had introduced them to one humid afternoon, and not five minutes after she’d excused herself did the two steal away through the tall grass and fall together in a heap, Tatiana clawing up peaty clumps of moss and soil as he drove into her tawny thatch with rippling, equine athleticism.

It didn’t happen again until nine years later when Piotr met Daphne while waiting in line for the toilet early in the morning at a loft party in Soho. Possibly, they joked about Mayor Dinkins. Piotr may have made a goofy face. Nonetheless, they engaged in anonymous, furious intercourse two minutes later once they were on the other side of the bathroom door.

A week after that, the third of the women met—and slept with—Piotr Rasputin. Rheka was the lab technician conducting Piotr’s biopsy (his flesh was tested bi-monthly). Rheka was relatively green and couldn’t help but ask him about the marvelous osmium, organic steel of his striated chest muscles. After about three seconds of hesitant touch, she climbed him marsupially and slid upon the iron totem.

Today, of course, Tatiana, Daphne and Rheka, the founding sisters of mutant crime fighting syndicate, The Pulverisers, are better known by their codenames Shenis, Vulvula and Clitastix, three superheroes possessing the questionable mutant “talent” of being able to instantaneously and at will transform their vaginas into earth, a Bartles & James wine cooler and a petri dish, respectively.

NOTE: “Queen B.” did not join The Pulverisers until issue #18. And the story of Kevin Elray, a darling little French Connection UK retail clerk from Chelsea, who, following a one night stand with a “brutish russian”, acquired the ability to famously transform his spinctre into chiffon, has never been linked to Colossus’s crystal meth mini-series (Neo X-Men #’s 381-385).