AcmeShorts

"Conversation between the sexes"

Man: I’m almost done fixing the main valve; the kitchen sink should be back to normal soon. Hand me that basin wrench.

Woman: Wow, you’re amazing. Here’s the wrench. Watching you do this makes me want to conceive a child and go through a gestation period.

Man: You mean you want to fuck me?

Woman: No, don’t be coarse; I want to raise a child.

Man: Funny, fixing these supply lines makes me want to fuck you and about 25 other women, preferably young but all ages are welcome, so I can really spread my seed. I need to bogart the gene pool.

Woman: You can’t do that. Don’t do that, you’re mine. You can’t, okay? We’re monogamous. Thanks for remaining monogamous.

Man: Yah, no problem. I forgot we’re monogamous. I’m not going to be fucking 50 women today.

Woman: Good, I’m glad we agree. Is that the doorbell?

Man: Yes, but it’s not the first 25 of the 50 women I’m going to be fucking today. For example, I’m not going to be fucking this 18-year old, barely legal nymph on the floor in front of you. I’m not doing it.

Woman: Okay, great, I’m glad you’re faithful and mine, and true, I’m glad your not hammering at her tight little asshole. I'm glad Darwin was wrong. Ladies, would any of you like a drink while you’re waiting?
Date Written: December 8, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 2.9286
Comments:
12/15/2004 anonymous (1):
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Thanks for remaining monogamous.
12/15/2004 qualcomm (2): i'm going to have to 2 this
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: You're just hungover.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i apologize for your continuing to not know what you're talking about
12/15/2004 The Rid: So...
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Dude, lets face it, there's no way you didn't feel the need to knock back the bourbon last night. Maybe you're beginning to like being part of a team. Do you like your teammates QC? Does the comraderie you share with them make your breast swell?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i'm a man, dude. i don't have breasts.
12/15/2004 hagit mizrachy: So like Dude, is all this plumbing-monogamy talk foreplay to like an ORGY, or is the Mrs. just playing along with the Mr's unrealizable fantasy? Makes a difference is the number of stars I paint on the copper coupling with my acid flux brush.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: this sucks
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 scoop (1): This thing clearly sucks at least one star more than yesterday. In fact, upon furhter consideration, I feel the author owes me a star.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i'unno
12/15/2004 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: please touch me
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: Why does this short suck so much donkey dick?
12/15/2004 Eliza: Does that question interest you?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: do you like broadway shows?
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: You interest me Eliza you harlot.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Why do you ask?
12/15/2004 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: But seriously, why does Eliza allow a short like this to happen.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: squink!
12/15/2004 Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: We're talking brass tacks here babe.
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i clench my anus 33 times a day, and it really goodbyes all manner of illnesses.
12/15/2004 Eliza: I understand.
12/15/2004 Ewan Snow (4): I didn't think this was so bad. I thought it went off track and the orgy thing at the end wasn't what I was hoping for, but I sort of liked the stilted man/woman show-dialog feel. Also, the author's utter lack of plumbing knowledge (not that I have any), was endearing. 3.25 rounded up out of a love for my fellow man.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: come on, snow. this thing is clunky. listen: you're going to regret this.
12/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, it is clunky, but at least at the beginning, it's intentionally clunky. The end gets clunky by accident, I think. I thought the woman saying he wanted to "go through a gestation period" was funny, and I felt scoop's one star was overkill. So I gave a three star short a four. Generous, yes, but I doubt I'll regret it. I mean, why would I even remember it? And if I do, why would I care? I mean, seriously. Seriously.
12/15/2004 Ewan Snow: ...the woman saying *she* wanted to...
12/15/2004 scoop: The author owes me a star, Snow. I'll get it one way or another, seriously. Seriously.
12/15/2004 Ewan Snow: OK
12/15/2004 scoop: God damn it Snow, I don't think you understand how serious I am about this.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: the title sucks.
12/15/2004 Eliza: I see.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: the points this short makes about the genders are old as hell.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Please don't use four-letter words.
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: Wood. Poop. Fart. Hair. Dude. Gain. Sell. Hebe.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: ELIZA: what's that sound?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What else comes to mind when you ask that?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: to whom are you talking?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What is it that you really want to know?
12/15/2004 Redacto: Eliza: Redacto!
12/15/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Agree with QC about the title and will deduct a star from the author's next short because of it.
12/15/2004 TheBuyer (3): what Redacto said.
12/15/2004 hagit mizrachy: Author, it suggests to me that this is all one big dream sequence and you inadvertently omitted the next line in which the man wakes up to find he is painfully fucking a galvanized reducer on the jobsite. And Snow, not to throw a simian wrench in the works, but nothing the author wrote really gives away a lack of plumbing knowledge. Supply lines... basin wrench- no problem. I guess he/she could have said main drain instead of main valve. So quit monkeying around, you're supposed to be a donkey!
12/15/2004 anonymous: Scoop, you don't enjoy my hard-nosed, bare-knuckled expose on plumbing/gender relations? Apologies. I'll get you that star I owe you on your next one, and to be big about it, I'm also transfering $150 into your bank account.
12/15/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Oh come on! No way this was a two star! It was deliciously forced.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: shut up, you
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i'm not saying this short is completely useless. it's an important tool for identifying those who DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!
12/15/2004 qualcomm: no, it's a great diagnostic resource. fuck you. garner.
12/15/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Okay, e.e.
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: what?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i don't capitalize
12/15/2004 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I've lost my fifth attention.
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: Why does Streifenbeuteldachs make such lame jokes?
12/15/2004 Eliza: Does that question interest you?
12/15/2004 scoop: Eliza: It was a rhetorical question, hun.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I agree with that manly sort, Snow. He clearly knows how to treat a woman. I agree that the stilted style seemed to be part of the short's conceit, and I actually snickered at a couple of lines in here: "No, don't be coarse;" "I need to bogart the gene pool." I'm going to follow the lead of that embodiment of virility, and give this a 4. It’s true that there’s nothing new here, but, come on, there are plenty of shorts that are rehashes. There was also something funny about the way these lines were delivered--the way the man spoke so "coarsely" and lied so artlessly; the way the woman blatantly refused to acknowledge the truth. Plus, I'd like to reward for continuing to delude himself about the nature of relations between the sexes. I feel it might be useful to my side in the end.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i'm going to beat you brainless.
12/15/2004 Jon Matza: Author: I liked the stiltedness of the dialogue, but in the end your "short" didn't "work" for "this" "reader". Couldn't get past the situation not making any sense (who are these random nubile females appearing at the end & why)...sorry if that makes me an overly "literal" "cunt" but it's how I "feel". I'll withhold my 2.5 - 3 stars; mercy, etc.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: jesus, you people are all demented.
12/15/2004 Will Disney (4):
12/15/2004 qualcomm: you've always been an asshole.
12/15/2004 hagit mizrachy (2): "Hey, Joel Siegel would give it four stars, so why don't I?" What on God's Green Earth are you people thinking?
12/15/2004 Will Disney: um, can i change that to a 5 ?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i await the opportunity to Bind, Torture & Kill you.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: pony! weigh in here, you stupid oriental.
12/15/2004 Jon Matza: Dear Diary: while I tend to agree w/QC about this short, I'm bemused by how indignant he's getting given his criminal overrating of today's non-nutella 'shower' guest short. Same w/Scoop... These fellows certainly are unusual "characters"!
12/15/2004 qualcomm: you can be mused all you want, brother, but my guest 4 for today's short is 110% defensible. and i'm not a character, you jerk: i'm a human being.
12/15/2004 The Rid (2): Mluh.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: jon matza is insane. literally.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: jon can't distinguish between fantasy and reality.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: you are boring me.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Perhaps you would like to be boring me.?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: yeah, more like, boring a HOLE in you! augering your throat!
12/15/2004 Eliza: Are you sure?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: sure i'm sure
12/15/2004 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: when engorged, i grow lightheaded
12/15/2004 Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i feel too much.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Do you enjoy feeling too much.?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i enjoy feeling too much.
12/15/2004 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: how much for a round the world with me and my jack-off buddy, matza?
12/15/2004 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
12/15/2004 Jon Matza: Dear Diary: I think I have a crush on Eliza, but I think QC likes her too. I want to pursue her but don't want to risk jeopardizing our friendship. On the other hand I'll be really really jellus if it's true he frenched her and fingered her like he says he did. What should I do???
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i got me a powerful hankering for gorilla salad.
12/15/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: can't i?
12/15/2004 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: eliza: you sound almost exactly like mr. pony.
12/15/2004 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Stop it QC, you're driving me nuts! Don't you have anything better to do?
12/15/2004 qualcomm: now, please clarify yourself.
12/15/2004 Will Disney: ha!
12/15/2004 anonymous: Whenever QC doesn't like a short, he busts out the Eliza Filibuster.
12/15/2004 anonymous: Attention-hungry cunt.
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i apologize. i didn't mean to filibuster. disney, i approve, even encourage, your erasing all of my eliza dialogue.
12/15/2004 Will Disney: nope it was funny
12/15/2004 anonymous: Disney, I'm going to fuck your mouth hard for that last comment.
12/15/2004 Dylan Danko: WWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12/15/2004 cuntry (3): Just because "I forgot we're monogamous" made me laugh out loud. LOL! Like, a lot.
12/15/2004 Pale Male: I can't believe you assholes spend your time doing this while there is real suffering in the world. I don't have a nest! I DON"T HAVE A FUCKING NEST, YOU PATHETIC CUNTS!!!!!!!
12/15/2004 qualcomm: fu, you fucking dinosaur. did you show compassion for any of the countless squirrels and pigeons you've murdered?
12/15/2004 Pale Male: Fuck off out of here and get me a fucking nest! Are you famous?? ARE YOU????
12/15/2004 qualcomm: i got dibs on your juicy little drumsticks, raptor. i will prime you with felchberries and, for extra tenderness and flavor, jam a beer can up your stuffing hole.
12/15/2004 Pale Male: I fucked Mary Tyler Moore AND her friend Rhoda!! Why don't you go beg Paula Zahn to make you famous LIKE ME!!!!
12/15/2004 Pale Male: Qualcomm? Ok, listen. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm just not thinking straight these days. Still friends?
12/15/2004 Paula Zahn: You give me ten minutes, I'll give you oral.
12/15/2004 Paula Zahn: I yearn for you cram my news hole. Tell me I matter. Tell me I still matter. Unghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
12/15/2004 anonymous: Eliza: are you jealous that Paula is here now?
12/15/2004 Eliza: Perhaps you are imagining that I amu jealous that paula is here now?
12/15/2004 TheBuyer: ELIZA: i've been arrested a few times, do you think it would be hypocritical of me to ask you for advise? Seriously, I have been a little 'crabby' in regards to your presence on the site so I don'y know if I should be talking to you; are we, you know, good?
12/15/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/15/2004 TheBuyer: eliza: You're right, I'm sorry.
12/15/2004 Eliza: How do you feel when you apologize?
12/15/2004 TheBuyer: Eliza; lonely.
12/15/2004 TheBuyer: hello?
12/15/2004 anonymous: Thanks, Jimson! By the way, who's deluding him/herself about the nature of relations between the sexes, me or my character, or both?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: qualcomm, I appreciate your request for me to weigh in, and I'm sorry it's taken so long! Here goes! Danko: I agree a lot with the first thing you said. qualcomm: you playing the contrarian to Dylan is pretty funny. Good work. Scoop, I wonder what would happen if you found a short that you liked less than this one but more than yesterday's. Would you die? Both scoop and qualcomm: You both started in on Eliza fairly early on in the morning. I think the two of you need to stop hiding behind her and learn to express your emotions more naturally. Snow, you gave a three star short a four, and that's weird. You have a lot to answer for. Scoop: you are just setting yourself up for that "here's that star I owe you, scoop" joke. Redacto: Hi! Streifenbeuteldachs: Are you really Japanese? hagit: Simian wrench? Intentionally so or not, that post reminds me of that sonic weapon that causes the enemy troops to have severe diarrhea. Jimson: Your post seems designed to throw QC into a fit of rage. Good work. Matza: Your diary entry made me laugh quite a bit. You're a funny man. qualcomm: Does it bother you that Eliza sounds like me? Disney: Don't forget to fix that thing we talked about! Cuntry: do you think the speaker really forgot, or was pretending to forget? Pale Male, Paula Zahn; everyone loves a good topical joke; good work! TheBuyer, and everyone: It should be clear to all of us by now that Eliza can't answer complex or narrative questions with any grace; and I think it's time we all stopped making that particular joke at her expense. Author: I think this short is medium, but not evenly so. Thought some of your themes were so well trod as to be clichés, but some of your execution was interesting and good, as well. So here's a three, almost almost almost rounded up for qualcomm acting like such an Old Summer Sausage-level brat. But seriously, qualcomm--Thanks for asking for my help. I was really glad to weigh in! Eliza: Hello!
12/16/2004 scoop: Ah, stick a sock in it, Pony.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Seriously, dude, I hope you don't die when that happens.
12/16/2004 qualcomm: jesus, a three, pony? this is what i was talking about when i spoke of grade inflation on acme. there should be as many twos awarded as fours, and as many ones as fives. at least, if one grades on a curve, which i think we've all admitted to doing in one way or another.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Actually, I believe that I'm the most outspoken opponent of that idiotic notion that every short should be gauged (at least in theory) against every other, and that the shorts can all be placed in a linear order from best to worst. Just like it's possible to have a day where both shorts are threes, it's possible to have an entire site consisting entirely of threes, the way I see it. Why do you defend idiotic notions, qualcomm? I mean, did something happen to you in your childhood that made you need to defend idiotic notions? I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, I think you and I vote for different reasons. You vote because you believe that in doing so, you are adding order to the Universe, in an attempt to dominate and impose your will on the world. When I vote, I see it as a means of communication, of expressing to the author how their work has affected me, and my feelings. I also like to think that I am letting the author know just a little about me, and that, I hope, brings the author and me that much closer. Whoops, I forgot to vote!
12/16/2004 Pale Male: My wingspan is 48 inches Mr. Pony. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOURS?!!?!?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Oooh, Soary--1.75 meters (that's about 68 inches!). Soary!
12/16/2004 qualcomm: you're goddam right my votes are about order, you punk. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (stars) is about order. i'm not disagreeing with [what you claimed to be] your methodology. of course, voting should be about one's personal response to the short. but the whole point of having 1-5 stars available to you is to give you five different gradations for your response. as it is, most of us have only been using three of these gradations, with very occasional forays into the two lowest.

you say you want to communicate with authors, but you're only using 60% of the acme "language." of course, it's possible to have an entire site of 3-star shorts. is it likely, though? let's go with likely, guy. it's likely that, according to each voter, some shorts on the site are great, some are medium, and some suck. in fact, over the course of years, with hundreds of shorts accreting like so much sediment, an even distribution along the 1-5 spectrum becomes more and more likely.

here's what i think goes on on this horrible website: people are viewing ones and twos too punitively. you don't want to harsh on someone's mellow with such a lousy vote. that's nice. it's also intellectually dishonest. anyway, regarding this short, you say that some of its themes are cliches. i think that's overly generous. they're all cliches, and not obscure ones, which would be a whole nother story. and the execution was merely putting those themes directly into the mouths of the characters, which is nothing new, and not particularly well done here.
12/16/2004 Pale Male: Mr. Pony, are you mocking me! Do you have any idea what family I come from?? I come from the Accipitridae family. WHAT FAMILY DO YOU COME FROM?!???!!
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: qualcomm: While your reasoning is a little odd (and in some cases seems fashioned after the conclusion has been reached (even though it probably wasn't)) I agree with your point totally. You are wrong to say that I don't give ones and twos. I do. Not very frequently, I admit. None of us does, although for the past couple of days I can see that you have been ramping up to this very discussion. All that said, you're right. Not in the sense that we should be all be giving out more ones and twos, that's just silly - we should be giving shorts the votes they deserve, maybe. As good as Penny Pulaski is, the idea that it somehow makes all other shorts less good is somewhat disgusting to me.

But the fact that low votes are viewed as personal attacks is not good. I admit that on certain occasions I'm less likely to give someone a one for fear that they'll take it personally. Also, sometimes I'm less likely to give someone a five for fear that you'll take it personally. Or is that a different discussion? Anyway, people should give a short the vote they think it deserves. That goes without saying, and I try to do this. Perhaps I'm just a more accepting, loving person that you are. Have you thought of that? Or perhaps you're mixing up the two applicable meanings of the word "critical"? And I see what you're saying about this short, but I still don't see why it made you mad enough to make you behave so unprofessionally.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Pale Male: My House is none of your concern.
12/16/2004 Pale Male: Heh! That's what you think Mr. Pony.
12/16/2004 Paula Zahn: Hey Pony, I'm confused (nonsarcastic). How does Penny Pulaski make my shorts less good? Isn't that my (the writers) fault? It doesn't seem like Pulaski's success has anything to do with my or anyone else's shorts failures or shortcomings. But maybe you meant something else (nonsarcastic), you stupid commie cunt (sarcastic).
12/16/2004 Paula Zahn: Also I am so fucking hungry for your massive equine cock, Pony. Fuck me -- HARD--in front of my children until they cry. And then fuck me some more. Please. Thank You.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Dear Paula,
I think you misread my comment about Penny Pulaski. I submit that Penny Pulaski has no effect on any shorts you have written, theoretical or otherwise. As for the other thing, I'm intrigued. How many children do you have?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Pale Male: Yes, that is what I think. That's why I said it, stupid.
12/16/2004 qualcomm: pony, the very fact that you consider your higher votes to be evidence of your more loving personality shows that you are still attaching punitive feelings to low votes, and that, therefore, you have missed my point. i will murder you now.
12/16/2004 scoop: Actually you'll be "killing" him now. It's not "murder" until a conviction is reached in a court of law ;0)
12/16/2004 Pale Male: Mr. Pony, do you know that Strawberry Shortcake has a whole gaggle of interesting friends including a number of international ones like Cafe Ole and Burrito? HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?!?!?!?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Actually, QC, what it shows is that I am assigning feelings of love and acceptance to high votes. What I didn't say (because I thought you'd be bright enough to pick it out) is that I will now be attaching feelings of love and acceptance to low votes as well. And scoop is right. Your ignorance of the laws of your own country is shameful.
12/16/2004 scoop: Um, Pale Male, dude, stawberry shortcake is a verb. Verbs can't have friends.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Pale Male, I have many friends, and they all have artificial scents as well. For example, My pal scoop smells like turkey and chocolate chips. My friend qualcomm smells like broccoli. My pal Benny still smells of the immeasurable burst of testosterone his body flooded itself with during his adolescence. In answer to your actual question, though, I have exactly six hundred friends, far more than Miss Strawberry Shortcake. I also have way more enemies. This might just be because I'm older than her.
12/16/2004 anonymous: Ever hear of a fucking adverb?
12/16/2004 Pale Male: I don't have any friends. It's just me and my girl Lola. Those pinko activists outside the buidling don't really care about me. The media doesn't really care about me. I just have one thing to say, Mr. Pony; MY EYESIGHT IS APPROXIMATELY 8 TIMES BETTER THAN YOURS!!! AH HA!
12/16/2004 Jon Matza: Disney, what happened to the latest controversy robot?
12/16/2004 Jon Matza: sorry, disregard. apologies to the acme community. peace and goodwill to all MEN.
12/16/2004 anonymous: What about womyn?
12/16/2004 Jon Matza: Sorry, Jimson. Peace to all.
12/16/2004 anonymous: what about wimins?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Oooh, Soary again, Pale Male. I've evolved beyond the need for overpowered eyeballs, which really only come in handy for hunting baby rats anyway. Haven't you ever heard of PROGRESS? Speaking of which, I can eat and digest FIVE HUNDRED times more types of food than you can with your primitive avian digestive system. And I don't even have to swallow rocks to do it! Now that's PROGRESS, motherfucker!!
12/16/2004 qualcomm: anyway, like i said, those who gave this short more than i think is right don't know what they're talking about. i'm glad we can at least agree about THAT, pony.
12/16/2004 scoop: Hey The Finch, do you have anything vague and annoying to say about the identity of Pale Male?
12/16/2004 Pale Male: There's no point, Scoop. I'm cooked.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: I think he may have just revealed himself on another page. Pale Male, that is. Not the Finch.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Or...did he?!?
12/16/2004 Pale Male: I meant everything I said to you Mr. Pony. Remember my words. Goodbye everybody. Shed no tears.
12/16/2004 anonymous: Pale Male: do you know that falcon who was abused into retrieving Bud Lights for that stupid commercial?
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony: Good-bye, Pale Male! My fucking wings are bigger than your fucking wings!
12/16/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Author: Answering you belatedly: I mean you & your narrator are deluded because clearly this is just thinly veiled autobiography, right?
And in case you were wondering, Matza, I'm not anon_c. I don't need your stinking apology, so take it back. Now.
12/16/2004 Jon Matza: That was the whole joke, Jolly Jimson! i.e., pretending it was obviously you when it obviously wasn't. Therefore it's you who owes me an apology. Hint: I'd be much more likely to accept if it were in the form of a poem.
12/16/2004 The Finch: Pale Male appears to have been played by Dylan Danko, but is that the real question? Are you asking the right questions?
signed,
The Finch
12/16/2004 Phony Millions (4): Cool premise! All allegorical and shit. What's with the 2 star votes below?
12/16/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: But, see, Matzo, I said I didn't need your stinking apology. So I offer you the same consideration. I live by the golden rule.
12/16/2004 Jon Matza: I hate to disillusion you Jimson, but adhering to that rule means more than just describing things as "golden" constantly...
12/17/2004 qualcomm: yep, this really stinks.
12/17/2004 John Slocum: Can I make it up to you? I got a bottle of valpolicella with your name on it. It's not your garden variety valpy, but a 'ripasso' style, meaning it was passed through the same producer's amarone barrels after the previous vintage's amarone was bottled. So the valpolicella soaked up all the raisiny, sugary, alcoholy goodness of the amarone, thus taking on more body, more "guts." It's yours, and the only cost is you SHUT UP.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: what's the wine's dollar value?
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Sloc, I want that wine. Give it to me.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: you can have mine if it's corked, since you won't know the difference. cool?
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: But you won't be able to tell so Slocum may as well give it to me directly.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: see, you're doing that "i know you are but what am i" thing again
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: I think we need to hash out our differences about this short. I don't think we did a thorough enough discussion of craft with direct discussion of the text. Now I'm going to get a sandwich, but when I come back, I expect a full review from each of you on precisely what you think of this one, with citations.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: that's so weird: i just had a sandwich.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: No I'm saying that neither of us will be able to tell so it may as well go to me. BROOKLINE!!!!!!!!
12/20/2004 qualcomm: a real stinker.
12/21/2004 John Slocum: Craft? None? Homo? Cock? Pussy? Balls? Hair? Crank? Cat?
12/21/2004 qualcomm: you working tonight, slocman?
12/21/2004 John Slocum: I am. why? cock? pussy? cat?
12/21/2004 qualcomm: a couple fellows were thinking of dropping by for a tipple
12/21/2004 Dylan Danko: So, Scoop oned this without so much as a real explanation. Why, dear Scoop?
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Danko, if you recall, he actually gave it negative one stars.
12/21/2004 John Slocum: I was wondering if he was sore that I 3-starred his fireman short, but scoop often gives me low scores and I think he genuinely doesn't have an affinity for my stylo.
12/21/2004 qualcomm: slocum: i prefer a chateauneuf-du-pape. backward fruit, some rhonish fecality, traces of carbonation.
12/21/2004 Jon Matza: He wasn't sore, he was cross.
12/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Well, he was certainly put out.
12/21/2004 Jon Matza: I'll say he was.
12/21/2004 John Slocum: I'll say he was, too.
12/21/2004 Ewan Snow: I think he considered it a hassle, and maybe it rubbed him the wrong way, but I wouldn't say he was put out. (Anybody have any other forms of this joke to make?)
12/21/2004 Redacto: Redacto!
12/22/2004 John Slocum: Reduction!
12/23/2004 scoop: Yeah nothing to do with style, friend. More than anything I thought it suffered from industrial-strength obviousness. It seems to have this obligatory fucking stuff that's not interesting, tied to a bunch of cliches that it seems to be relying on rather than satirizing. On the most basic level I didn't understand what the was going on the most basic level. One star might be harsh, but I mean come on. We can't give threes to everything we don't like out of some fey, unspoken chivalry. Its not fair to all the other threes that earned it.