AcmeShorts

“I think we need to strategize the refrigerator better. There’s a lot of wasted space and I have difficulty putting things in. Often to my dismay I stand there with an item – a saran-wrapped half an onion or tomato, let’s say, or a plate of leftover crispy-fried chicken feet – rooting around with my right hand, moving things to make space for the new addition and usually I find this course of action doesn’t work; it doesn’t work because the sloppy way in which the fridge had been inefficiently loaded doesn’t allow for much one-handed maneuvering. I’ll have to put the new item down on the counter and completely re-work the shelf-space allocation of the fridge, an operation that requires a good four minutes. Imagine that, four minutes just to put one item in the fridge! Ridiculous to think about, I know. That’s four minutes I could use to sandpaper my bunions or clip my nails. My nails are dirty and need attention but I don’t have time because of all the work I need to do on the fridge. We as a family - a team - need to work on this. I mean, c’mon, how much time do you save by shoving things in the fridge willy-nilly? What - three, four seconds, ten seconds at the outside? If we each spend an extra ten seconds - ten seconds, it’s nothing! - when we are putting an item in the fridge, each future instance of putting an item in the fridge will be more smooth and efficient. We will have more time to attend to other tasks and we will all be happier. That is except for our extreme family dysfunction, our excessive hand washing, our manias, psychoses, depressions, hallucinations, loose associative thinking, delusions of grandeur and our vigorous and robust incestuous/unhealthy sexual relations. Oh yah - also the intra-familial homicide/incest-necrophilia, the emotional/physical abuse, the excessive hand washing (did I say that already?), going outdoors naked, the biting, hair-pulling, giggling, the detrimental wound-inflicting/wound-fucking cycle and the sharing of chores. Wait, that last one contributes to our happiness, I forgot. Well let's get cracking, I know we can work together on this one."