AcmeShorts

George Washington was chopping prices, which had uncannily materialized in the form of a dollar-sprouting cherry tree. For rebates this patriotic, he would surely re-cross the raging, ice-choked Delaware and weather the hell of Valley Forge all over again. We the people demand factory-to-dealer incentives, the founding father thought, grimly toiling in Mount Vernon's August heat. The tree creaked and fell to the earth, its crashing death-knell a catharsis in which the general formulated this profundity: he would sooner enter into a foreign alliance than pass up on deals this good.

Abraham Lincoln, physically incapable of telling a lie, had examined the self-evidently awesome figures and come away astonished; the Union had not seen a better deal in some four score and seven years. It was an emancipation of sorts, from the slavery of high interest rates. Dedicated was he to the proposition that all men are created equally keen on amazing bargains. Accompanied by the loud sproing of a Jew's harp, Lincoln's hat flew off his head as the whizzing musket ball of zero percent APR caved in the back of his skull.