AcmeShorts

You’re never going to believe this: I had a date with a woman’s pussy last weekend. Seems sweet, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? Well it wasn’t.

I met this woman with the pussy on a warm, breezy day. She was walking her schnauzer in the East Village and I said, “nice dog.” She said, “Thanks. If you like my dog, you’ll love my pussy.” I could barely believe what she had said. I said, “Huh?” She went on, “My pussy talks. I don’t know you, but I have a feeling about the two of you.”

I had no idea what to say. She beckoned to her skirt hem and I got on my knees. I don’t know why I did it, but when a woman wants to show you her pussy, I’m thinking you do what she wants. She lifted her skirt and pulled my head under; and there it was, her pussy: shaved smooth, well proportioned, firm looking, no hangy things, nice curves - real easy on the eyes. The pussy lips started moving and I heard a voice.

“Hi, my name is Her Pussy, what’s yours?”

I thought the woman was playing a joke, throwing her voice. I withdrew from under her skirt; she wasn’t laughing at me, she was looking away and involved in a heated debate on her cell phone. Strange, I thought, I should have been able to hear that. I went back under her skirt and everything went silent. A sound proof skirt?

“Are you going to tell me your name, big boy, or what?”

I said, “Umm…my name’s Big Jack, what kinda name’s Her Pussy?” She said, “Listen Big Jack, less talk; I like to be eaten. Do you like to lick pussy? Come on, lick Her Pussy.” Wow, I thought to myself, she’s a bit too fast even for this guy. I said, “I’m not comfortable with that, Her Pussy; I mean, I don’t even know you. Why don’t we meet for a drink?” She said, “Oh alright. I’ll have a drink with you. How’s Friday?”

I came out from under the skirt. The woman was still ranting and raving on the phone but she hung up when she saw me stand. “How’d it go?” she asked winking knowingly. We made arrangements for Friday and I walked home wondering what the fuck had just happened.

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Friday evening came quickly and I met Her Pussy at a Japanese lounge on 32nd St. I was anxious but still psyched to be going on a date with a beautiful pussy. Her Pussy had arranged for a private corner where the woman lay on a sofa, knees up covered by a floor length skirt. I sat on a floor cushion and went under with two glasses of sake. All outside noise disappeared.

Wow! Did Her Pussy look good! There was powder base outside the pussy lips and a red bow stuck to the hairless mons, just above the clitoris. There was one single point of black mascara on the clit and a belly chain across the 'taint. Sexy.

Gushing slightly I said “Hi gorgeous.” She said, “Nice to see you again, handsome.”

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was! I really wanted Her Pussy to like me. She said, “Relax, just be yourself. What do you want to know about me?” I said, “Well, have you been eaten by both men and women?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Are women better at it than men?” She said, “No, about the same for me.” I said, “Really? All the women I’ve known who’ve had their pussies licked by both sexes say women are better, more sensitive, know what a pussy needs.” She said, “Yah, well those are women with straight-male pussies.”

I was having some trouble with that last statement and I said, “Huh? You mean pussies have gender?” She said, “Yes, and sexual orientation." I said, “Amazing. What are you?” She said, “I’m a bisexual-male pussy. So are you going to eat Her Pussy, or what?”

I recoiled in horror, nausea filling my stomach. I said, “Date’s over, you fucking gay, faggot pussy.” I threw the skirt off and stood up. The woman put down her cell phone in surprise as I turned and ran outside, just making it through the doors before puking my dinner out on the sidewalk.