AcmeShorts

06/1/2005 anonymous: Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot stress enough how very important this is, how vital it is to the health and wellness of our community!

06/1/2005 anonymous: Ladies and Gentlemen?

06/1/2005 Jon Matza: WHERE'S PFINEOUS?!

06/1/2005 Mr. Joshua: Pfineous kicks all of these guys asses...how can you not love that snaggle-tooth? Honorable mention to Fold (Ho Chi Minh), Birdie, and Sophia

06/1/2005 TheBuyer: Jane & Otto almost look like fudge. Man, I want some fudge.

06/1/2005 anonymous: I have received word that Pfineous has been uploaded. The entry will be updated once we have confirmation of the code transmission. Furthermore, increased production levels have brought the war with Oceania within measurable reach of its end.

06/1/2005 scoop (0.5): I can't express my contempt enough for this Cathy-comic vibe dressed up in a calculatedly-torn hipster's Hawaian Punch mascot T-shirt on display with this cutesey-wutsey kitty cewebration. If you think it's cute you are a gay. If you think it's somehow different then the pathetic crap some casserole manufacturing wife-bot in Pennsylvania does to wile away the time before she dies you are a gay. If you think I can't see the beauty in the simple blah-blah-blah of a kitten and am being "too serious" you are also a gay.

06/1/2005 scoop: Sorry Litcube, you are an gay.

06/1/2005 scoop: But seriously -- WHERE'S PFINEOUS! Certainly he is the cutest cats of all the cats here. Seriously! It doesn't seem fair Billie got to make it, but not Pfineous. What's the deal. ETC!

06/2/2005 scoop: I'm so sad my cat, Brussel Sprout, died of kidney failure in 1999. Actually he didn't die of kidney failure. Yes he was suffering from a debilitating kidney disease, but I paid someone to kill him. I loved my cat so much! But not enough to pay for his kidney surgery. I don't think I love anyone that much! So instead, I applied a utilitarian calculus and figured my happiness with the opportunity cost of several thousand dollars far out weighed having a sick cat that I would project all kinds of clumsily anthromorphized feelings on to. Brussel Sprout was black. I miss you so much. If I didn't pay some underachieving vet to euthanize you I would've put your picture-wicture up, too. Promises.

06/2/2005 scoop: But seriously, I want everyone to take a knee tonight and send a shot-out to my little guy in the kitty sky. Word.

06/2/2005 scoop: You know what I love about cats? They're so independednt, you know? Dogs are all like "(pantpantpant) I love you master. What can I do to please you? (pantpantpant)Throw the ball master?" It's all so red state, you know. But cats are cool. They don't care what I think. Take my cat [insert gay fucking cat name here]. He eats and does his own thing. He doens't give a shit what I think. Not a shit. Seriously. He's so much like me in that way. He's all whatever. Cats RULE!

06/2/2005 scoop: Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Where's Finnieous? Wherewherewhere?!

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm confused. First you go to great lengths to call Litcube gay, then you do this weird hot-and-cold sentimental/hard-as-nails dance about your own cat. Don't you see that this is an opportunity for us all to learn a little something about one another??? And by the way, that "beauty of a kitten" speech? Gay.

06/2/2005 Litcube: Do you see what I mean?

06/2/2005 scoop: I sincerely hope that within a month, Fold, Boz, Birdie, Chopper, Princess, Billy, Sophia, Fikneeus, and Bunny all get cat AIDS and die. No actually, I hope its human AIDS from human rape. And I hope the guy who does it, all that deliberate AIDS contaminating human rape, gets caught and then gets off becasue of a technicality.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Here's something I bet you didn't know. TheBuyer has a cat named Scoop.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Also, he hangs plates on his wall.

06/2/2005 TheBuyer: I have Lladro figurines. They're adorable.

06/2/2005 scoop: I'm, not talking to you until you put phFhineaeous up on the short because it's not fair at all.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: The cat's not approved yet, but I'll put a placeholder up in the meantime.

06/2/2005 Jon Matza: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

06/2/2005 Yahzick: Hey, TheBuyer, remeber that time you ran over that cat in the driveway? And you had to go to work so I took care of driving it to the vet and having the doctor kill it? Do you remember that? Scoop's story reminded me of that. I loved that cat. Boy, Matza, your cats couldn't get more average. According to the votes, I mean. Because, really, even average cats are winners.

06/2/2005 Jon Matza: I don't understand what that "because" is referring to.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Yahzick; good to see you.

06/2/2005 John Slocum: Where the fuck is my darling Pfineous? What the fuck is wrong with that fucking kittenwar.com fucking site? Don't they know an ass-kickingly amazing fucking cat when they see one? PONY!!!

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Whoops, wrong placeholder.

06/2/2005 TheBuyer: Yup, true story. That was my first day at work at my new job DJng. Some of his guts came right out of his asshole, poor old deaf bastard. Man, what a great cat.

06/2/2005 John Slocum: There he is! Just look at him!

06/2/2005 Yahzick: I even had to borrow money to get him killed. That's dedication. Matza, I had no idea what that "because" was referring to before I posted that comment. I mostly hoped it would come across in sort of an inspirational-speaker kind of of so that you wouldn't feel bad about having average cats.

06/2/2005 Klause Muppet (5): Pfineous looks evil, in a lazy dragon type of way.

06/2/2005 John Slocum (5): Excellent instant short.

06/2/2005 John Slocum: Jabba-the-Pfineous?

06/2/2005 John Slocum: BTW, Birdie shreds. Super powers.

06/2/2005 Sergis Bauer (0.5): This is stupid.

06/2/2005 Dylan Danko: Is it cutest or coolest because if it's the latter well Pfineous has that in the fucking bag? I mean look at that Don Corleone like face.

06/2/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: Ah, Sergis Bauer, my old nemesis! How are you? It's been too long since we've sparred! Tell me, are you still quite fat? Do your man-breasts still droop and ripple, flapping against your ruffled abdomen as you trot for the fifth time to the salad bar? Is your wife Beatrice still as charming and accommodating as ever? You should know that your young daughter is faring quite well in my care! Quite well, indeed, I might add! Ah well, they say the only constant is change itself! We should really get together for tropical drinks sometime and catch up on old times! Cheerio!

06/2/2005 TheBuyer (5): This should in no way encourage people to put up pictures of their goddamn dogs, babies, or cars, but boobs would be nice. Both boobs.

06/2/2005 Constitution McButtbutt (0.5):

06/2/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: Yes, please post pictures of your breasts to the message board, and I'll create another short, as sort of a service to the community. Thanks!

06/2/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: Oh, bother.

06/2/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: Mmmm, Yes! Sergis, you should post your breasts! And with your permission, I'll add those of your wife and child, from my archive!

06/2/2005 Dylan Danko: hey i never knew that was you

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Yeah, who would have thought that TheBuyer and good old Constitution McButtbutt were one and the same!

06/2/2005 qualcomm: let's hope kittenwar accepts a picture of my precious Kitty:

06/2/2005 TheBuyer: I know!

06/2/2005 Hitler (5): Hey guys these cats are so cute. I've visited this site before but found the free flow of ideas dangerous and non-ideological thinking unhealthy. But, aw man, these little kitties are soooooo cute. Right when I think I've found a favorite I go thorugh them again and fall in love with a different one. Whoever this Mr. Pony fellow is gets my full and unequivocal endorsement.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: The kittenwar images have to be square, I think.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Welcome to Acme Shorts, Hitler!

06/2/2005 qualcomm:

06/2/2005 Hitler: Hey, Qualcomm, what's the big idea, sir? Unless those kitties are Juden, that's really not funny.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: oh my god I hate you so much qualcomm

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Perhaps you would like to meet Miriam, who has murdered over twenty bunnies. I believe she thought she was doing the right thing, too. I believe that the two of you would get along very well.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Of interest: Whilst researching the Rainbow Bridge, (the wonderful place where deceased pets go) I found this interesting work that I would say, if I didn't know any better, was written by scoop.

06/2/2005 Mr. Pony: And for you, Herr Hitler.

06/3/2005 John Slocum: Bunny has something about him/her. I'm into it.

06/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Otto has been asking me about Bunny as well. It is purely an aesthetic thing, however, as Otto has no balls. I hired a man to take them away.

06/3/2005 Litcube: I wrote a letter to Miriam some time ago (~ 9 months). She has not responded. Perhaps she requires more time.

06/6/2005 John Slocum: clearly, Mouse kicks serious ass. That fucker'll fuck you up.

06/7/2005 TheBuyer: More. MORE!

06/8/2005 Litcube: Wouldn't that be a slightly outdated picture of Otto? By, like, a year, say?

06/8/2005 Mr. Pony: Yes. But closer to eight.