Once upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. They'd been best friends for what seemed like forever, practically, almost. Timmy, Tommy and Tootay loved to come over to each others' houses for sleepovers, even though they were between 36 and 39 years of age. There they would do cryptograms and play wizard games of hide and go seek, frisbee golf, hungry hungry hippo, tickle tommy's asshole--even simon says!
One day Timmy and Tommy figured out that Tootay was a penispants 'cause he kept saying thoughts and ideas such as god is in all our hearts and beggars can't be choosers. So they lured him to a stream by the railroad tracks and boinged his head with rocks 'til his brains tumbled out. It was funny!
Then Timmy and Tommy felt wicked bad because they couldn't play games with Tootay like they used to. They missed their friend plenty plus ten so they decided to fix his head up good as new with some duct tape. But it still wasn't the same as before he was dead! But it was still fun.
Date Written: July 9, 2005 Author:Jon Matza Average Vote: 2.75
Comments:
07/14/2005Will Disney: Almost!
07/14/2005TheBuyer: Boy and I thought the one from yesterday was going to be hard to follow.
07/14/2005anonymous: Where's the lustre on the hauthir page these days?
07/14/2005qualcomm (2.5):
07/14/2005Jon Matza (4): Anyone want to have a sleepover?
07/14/2005Mr. Pony: What do you hope to achieve with your comment, anon_user_a? Serious discussion? Hurt feelings? You're really going to have to be more specific.
07/14/2005The Rid: Hey, qualcomm, did you and Matza recently have a debate/argument about voting without commenting? I can't remember.
07/14/2005Mr. Pony: I'm willing to have my feelings hurt, if that's what you want.
07/14/2005qualcomm: it did come up in our last debate
07/14/2005The Rid: What was your position?
07/14/2005qualcomm: he said leaving low votes without a comment is bad. and i was like, i don't do that that often.
07/14/2005Klause Muppet (3): plus ten. 13!
07/14/2005Litcube (4): Here's what I was like: This was so funny, I had to bring my hand to my mouth when I laughed out loud. Do you realize how gay I look when I do that, otheir? My eyebrows and shoulders elevated, and I think released a very brief squeal. This short was filled with good ideas.
07/14/2005The Rid: Okay, so you left a low vote without comment today. What were thoughts on this piece, if you're so inclined?
07/14/2005qualcomm: i'll ask the questions here
07/14/2005qualcomm: so, what's jawbreaker wearing?
07/14/2005scoop: ...and what does her hair smell like?
07/14/2005anonymous: Readers: so I may serve you better when writing future shorts, I'd appreciate if you'd let me know whether Timmy, Tommy or Tootay was your favorite character. Why were you so attached to this particular character?
07/14/2005TheBuyer: The black one.
07/14/2005The Rid: I don't know what Jawbreaker's wearing. I'm on medical leave.
07/14/2005TheBuyer: Finally, the voice of fucking reason.
07/14/2005Mr. Pony: We're saved!
07/14/2005Partytime (2): This is boldly bad.
07/14/2005The Rid (2):
07/14/2005Jon Matza: Ought-thgwhore: your detractors haven't offered a word of explanation as to what's so bad about your short! If I were you I'd accuse them of being a stairwell full of discarded ukelele parts.
07/15/2005TheBuyer: Ha, Rid thought I wrote it.
07/15/2005Klause Muppet: Litcube, I believe Jon Matza is your favorite author.
07/15/2005The Rid: Buyer, I never thought you wrote this.
07/15/2005qualcomm: last time i made the effort of explaining, author, all i got from you a was lot of senseless guff.
07/15/2005Jon Matza: Well, I may not have publicly acknowledged it at the time, but your analysis had a definite effect on me. I've been trying to hate women less. Even Mother!
07/15/2005Dylan Danko: You should see what Qualcomm does to women.
07/15/2005Litcube: Klause, I was considering 4.5ing this piece.
07/15/2005TheBuyer: I'm back and forth between 2 and 4.5, this thing is like a crayon Mona Lisa.
07/15/2005Litcube: That's the point, I think.
07/15/2005qualcomm: that's a good start, but as i recall, my analysis also critiqued the recycling of old jokes, an error i think you're repeating here. 1) timmy, tommy and tootay is a ripoff of your own joke (here and elsewhere, too, i think). it's not the kind of gag that bears repeating. i mean sure, silly names will always be funny, but there's a method to this particular silliness that really calls attention to itself. 2) the "story told by a moron/8-year-old" has been done to death lately, and this thing doesn't really do anything new with the idea. 3) is hungry hungry hippo supposed to be funny just for being brought up? it's kind of an old and easy target. it's like making fun of pet rocks. 4) overall, this short just feels like it's trying too hard. it's like a sweatier, less funny version of pony's "ted was 50 feet tall but could fit inside a thimble" or your own "In the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing"
and that's a memo.
07/15/2005Jon Matza: OK--I hear some of this, esp "story told by a moron/8-year-old" done to death point. But isn't it (also) possible you instinctively disliked Timmy and Tootay (as well as Tommy) because they were, in effect, teammates? Also, I feel those last lines were something special.
07/16/2005Constitution McButtbutt: So stories told in a stupid way are done and finished as a genre, but silly names are declared funny forever? That smacks of bullshit to this guy! (By "this guy", I mean me.)
07/16/2005qualcomm: did i say that tales told by idiots are finished as a genre? i said they've been done to death lately, and that this short doesn't really do anything new with the idea. ie, if it had done something new (or original) (or good in some other way) with the idea, i'd be fine with it. open up your eyes and read more carefully, jackass.
07/16/2005Constitution McButtbutt: Fair enough, but you must admit that the practice of using character names silly for their own sake enjoyed an overlong smirking Moe Rocca-on-VH1-like run without similar criticism. I realize that I may be refuting a point that you may have been accidentally making, and I hope I didn't mis-season the sauce your important journey ahead.
07/17/2005qualcomm: i haven't used sauce with my journeys for years now.
07/19/2005Kenji X (3): I'm beginning to understand the impotent rage of QC because none of you bastards understand what he is saying, man. You just don't get him. Seriously, you don't. Poor Tootay.
05/11/2014qualcomm: I take it back, this is good! Grolsch, guy?
and that's a memo.